Blog: Lauray's New 10-Day Fast
by lauray

Day 10, 42-hour fast in Progress

struggling with depression; still, committed to 42 h fast and maintenance of day count. So sad and lonely.

Date:   5/3/2008 7:17:14 PM   ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1954 times

well, what am I to do today?
I just have to fast until 5:14 a.m. Sunday -- I am thinking of this as "late Saturday night," so I can tell myself I have only to fast until late tonight, today being Saturday.

I am scared right now.

What do I have to do?
I have to... do too many things.
I am trying to sublet my apartment. I have found someone who I am afraid is unacceptable to the landlord. I am afraid the landlord will evict me. I am afraid the landlord will not accept any person to take over my lease. I feel.... humiliated and furious. I hate the landlord.

I have no one. I am trying to schedule 2 movies tonight but cannot afford this. I just need to get through until 5:14 a.m. tomorrow.
My roommate has undergone another personality change since last night, leaving me a hostile note this morning. Maybe I have so abused her that this is actually healthy behavior on her part. She was the recipient of terrible abuse from me, psychological. I was so angry when she made noise and I said so and I displayed no gratitude when she quieted down, going above and beyond what was called for to accommodate me. But her note actually threatens she will move out in 5 days and demands her rent money for the month back. Demands I sign an agreement to this or something. Concludes "Sign here:__________" with an underline for my signature. I am frightened. I can only ignore this. At this point I have a tiny thickness of skin about it. But this does not make it feel relaxing for me to go home. She really has abused me, too, though. God damn her. F*ck her. I know she has really abused me. I can't articulate how now since I am so tired. F*ck her.
What can I do to keep this fast? What can I do? Oh, of course I will keep it.
What I mean is: what can I do to stop these horrific afternoons and evenings and days and nights and mornings even sometimes of being in this state? What can I do to stop this depression? .... I can fast: this is the cure. And I can be really f***ing careful and gentle post-fast, when the change and the healing occur. Hah. AS if that will ever happen. Why can't I get gentle? Why can't I? As difficult as the fast is to do, actually changing behavior afterward is even harder, g*ddamnit.

I am so hungry right now. I have just over 12 hours to go. Fine. I will get some Pellegrino water. I have got to get through this, and I will.

I am trying to get out what I am going through.
I know I can just go home and read. I am so tired, maybe I will fall asleep.
My hunger pang (false hunger, just like every pang I have ever felt in my whole life) is now going away. When it was here I forgot that it would pass.

I have had Pellegrino water today -- artificially carbonated but it didn't make me sick. I guess I may have another. It's a treat, so it's not good, but maybe I can stop having this kind of water. Maybe a first step is Gerolsteiner -- naturally sparkling.

So another water and then home and read all evening and sleep all night??
I know I will not sleep.
I do have a certain number of things to read.

Here is the situation with my sponsor. I do not want o speak to him. I think he is dumb. I call him up and am speechless. Or -- he is aggresssive and I am hurt and I am in a situation of being forced humiliatingly to speak when I do not want to speak.

I was told to write on the steps today.
I cannot stand to do this.

Here is the problem. I cannot stand to do anything.

I am writing from a place of depression.
I know some of the patterns of my depression and some of its triggers (it's entirely caused by food).
I can avoid it a lot.
But sometimes I get it.
Sleeping adequately helps.
But I depend emotionally also on early morning meetings (AA). I am now starting to be a sort of member of the family of an early morning meeting

I am scared and alone and horribly depressed and it is the same as allthe other desperate and alone and horribly depressed times in my life and I have made no progress.
There is a guy Trey I could call but I do not like him.
I do not like anybody.
I need to pour this out to someone.
I think I am going home and reading.
I need to rest.
I need to start being able to get to sleep early.
I must never, I think, stay up late. Never later than 8:30 pm, really.
I am desperate to be free from this depression. This needs to be my first priority. I know fasting is the answer. So fasting is my first priority.
I am doing all I can for the moment toward fasting.
I am too exhausted to continue. to articulate how I can go gently after this fast.
First gentle thing I could do I guess is stay in and TRY to go to bed early
Though if I am due to break a fast at 5:14 am I will not frigging sleep.

I have so many things to write out but can't stand to or am too broken to.
well -- I really am fasting. I have that at least.
Must plan next week's fast better. Or -- next fast. I could do it sooner than 1 week from now.
Maybe I will call Trey but he is so dumb so I don't want to talk to him. I hate everyone.
I just have to get through the night AND THEN BE GENTLE. How to define this? I am too tired to address this. i really need to address, define gentleness, since post-fast gentleness IS the mechanism of my healing, of the healing of my life.


Add This Entry To Your CureZone Favorites!

Print this page
Email this page
DISCLAIMER / WARNING   Alert Webmaster

CureZone Newsletter is distributed in partnership with

Contact Us - Advertise - Stats

Copyright 1999 - 2022

0.407 sec, (2)

Back to blog!
Add Blog To Favorites!
Add This Entry To Favorites!

Comments (18 of 18):
Re: DAY 100: Start… Danie… 32 d
Re: Day TWO of sev… Danie… 32 d
Re: Day 108 Raw On… #2828… 32 d
Re: Day 56 evening, Mable… 88 d
Re: Day TWO of sev… Mable… 88 d
Re: Day 108 Raw On… Mable… 88 d
Re: Day 108 Raw On… Mable… 88 d
Re: Day 108 Raw On… navon… 17 mon
Re: Day 108 Raw On… ren 18 mon
Re: DAY 12 of raw … chisp… 18 mon
Re: Day TWO of sev… galvi… 22 mon
Re: Day 108 Raw On… galvi… 22 mon
Re: Day one Part T… treyl… 23 mon
Re: Day TWO of sev… #9985… 14 y
Re: Day 86 Raw Onl… candi… 14 y
Re: Day 56 and Pre… RawGi… 14 y
Re: Day 17 of raw … Eupho… 14 y
Re: Day one Part T… l*u*l… 14 y
All Comments (18)

Blog Entries (6 of 26):
Day 10, 42-hour fast in Prog…  14 y
DAY 9 of Raw Only, No Fruit,…  14 y
DAy 5 of Increasing Lengths …  14 y
Day one Part Two  14 y
New Day One, April 24, 2008  14 y
Day One, Tuesday, April 8th,…  14 y
All Entries (26)

Blogs by lauray (5):
Lauray’s Success in Annual 40…  9 y  (17)
Lauray's 10-Day Fast  14 y  (16)
Lauray's Fasting Blog  14 y  (10)
Lauray's New Fasting Day Count  13 y  (9)
Lauray  15 y  (5)

Similar Blogs (10 of 185):
buy tramadol 100 mg…  by adamsmith1401  30 d
kitty meme coin vs …  by kittymemecoin  3 mon
Coping with Lonelin…  by CynthiaMadison  10 mon
Unclaimed Funds  by unclaimedfunds  11 mon
My master cleanse j…  by Sheek  13 mon
The Best Maxbook55 …  by maxbookk555  13 mon
Depression Retreats  by matarch90  17 mon
Uncovering The Star…  by Ren  17 mon
bestcustombobblehea…  by worksbobbleheads  22 mon
Anxiety and Fear  by mattsmith6  23 mon
All Blogs (1,019)

Back to blog!

Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.

Kidney Stones Remedy
Hulda Clark Cleanses