Blog: Lauray’s Success in Annual 40-Day Fasts Blog: 2013
by lauray

My New and Better-, More-Strict-Than-Ever Food Sobriety

My Diet, Committed, FOR MY HEALING AND HEALTH

Date:   3/24/2013 6:10:53 PM   ( 9 y ) ... viewed 1376 times

I'm committed to whole, fresh, LOW-CALORIE-DENSITY raw foods ONLY, unprepared in ANY WAY -- not even cut up by someone else. For the past 2 years and 10 months I have repeatedly had bouts of eating processed food. I have been UNABLE TO STOP. I have sworn it off many, many, many times. Part of the purpose of this Blog is to write about my commitment to this raw diet. I am committed now because of my health.


(***edit note: Resistance arises here! I don't want to be committed! This is terrifying. I have to work through this. I need to believe that these things can be worked through and do not have a need to be ACTED ON... that I WILL reach a satisfying, VALID resolution of this resistance WITHOUT going out and eating more processed food -- WITHOUT acting it out. That I CAN begin my life now. That I don't need to develop into a "real person," like everyone screams at me to, before I have the "right" to achieve control over myself.... I really have to write about all this and ... I have a glimmer of hope that maybe the writing will provide a satisfactory processing of the resistance I feel.... so complicated.... need to post a lot more about this...)


I look at my life and I see, suddenly, in what poor physical health I have lived, and in what incredibly poor emotional and mental health I have also lived, due to the neurologic effects of my physical condition.

How did I create my physical condition? How did my intestinal system get into the state it is in, and how did my liver get into its current state?

I feel the answer could be stated in 2 words: hedonic eating.

This is an insufficiently vilifying term for what the RAPE, the core violation I have been perpetrating on myself, every time I have eaten-when-eating-is-for-any-reason-not-okay-with-me.

And I will respect the SLIGHTEST discomfort I may have with eating by REFRAINING FROM EATING -- NO QUESTIONS ASKED. This is a moral choice. I choose to respect my ANY AND EVERY impulse to refrain from eating, on a moral basis, and REGARDLESS OF THE CONSEQUENCES TO MY HEALTH -- because my dignity is that important to me. It's also a policy I truly believe will make me PHYSICALLY healthy. My faith in this runs counter to the neurotic fear which has motivated various traumatizers in my life to bully me into eating when it was important to me to refrain from eating for whatever reason.

But anyway, the first-stage solution to overeating lies in strictly limiting what I eat so as to limit very strictly the number of calories I ingest. My food choices will stay limited for life. This is my sobriety. There is no going back. The expression "first-stage" doesn't mean there will be any loosening up later. On the contrary, it recognizes that I have to go much further in "strictness" in order to become really well.

The real solution is to stop using food as a mood fix. Because it's too threatening to do this all at once or even hold it as a goal per se, I aim to bring about the cessation of "hedonic" or "emotional" eating via this limiting of my diet to categories of food that are as non-triggering as possible, developing my fasting all the while so as to bring about gradually a detachment from food in its capacity as a pacifier (or, as I notice it seems to be for me, "transitional object.")

It is too threatening to detach from food all at once because... I have to get into this later. I actually fear totally losing control and bingeing uncontrollably, if I try to make change. I also have a need to feel in control of the change. This last need may be a sickness. It may be that in the interests of my really achieving my visions I will need to work through my need to control my changing.

Anyway I don't want to proceed in detaching from food without thinking about it all the way through... and I can't get the strength to think it all the way through... but I must and this blog is for that... but I suspect my fear of loss of control IS actually somewhat justified... IF it is not merely another manifestation of the same need for control over my own feelings that compulses me to eat against my will... or is not THAT PATHOLOGICAL NEED ITSELF speaking -- "oh no, don't give up the fude, the most horrifying thing imaginable might happen." -- is this my disease-mind just trying to bully me and beat me up????? ... yes, undoubtedly, but I need to PROVE that to myself.


Anyway, I now (with resistance I have to acknowledge and work through, but still) have a new and better than ever before set of food rules:

In my private notation this set of food rules is designated: 800 BGLO 11 TOTAL/PURE RUFVUW.



This means: 800 calories a day maximum (I guess I will stick this low if it seems OK with my body. I have the usual cultural and "bacterially-driven"* [*footnote: people are addicted to food when they have overgrowth of intestinal bacteria, and their thinking is warped and personalities are warped by these bacteria and their neurological effects, notably anxiety about "getting enough to eat"/"enough nooooootreeeeeeeyennnnntssssss" -- and the more obese they are the more anxious they are... so infuriating to encounter this ABSURDITY] neurotic fear of low-calorie eating, which has no rational basis, but I will stay down at 800 calories a day if I can, and if, indeed, this seems to help and not hurt me.

I am looking forward to keeping my calories ultra-low as a matter of policy, since my suffering for all time throughout my adult life has always been the result of INGESTING TOO MANY CALORIES. Bottom line. NO -- NOT from "improper food combining --" what a MURDEROUS, DESTRUCTIVE load of CRAP -- what a LIE!!!! See even gabriel c o u s e n s md whom I loathe generally but who has some OK moments, in one of which he points out that eating even wackily bad food combinations in SMALL AMOUNTS creates no pain or digestive trouble.

The rest of the notation specifies that the 800 calories must consist ONLY of foods of a certain, low calorie density, or of a density less than that limit.

Two categories of food are allowed, basically: (1) Certain sprouts -- bitter-tasting or at least not tempting sprouts. These are living food, and their allowable caloric density may be greater than that of mature fruit and vegetables, just because their distastefulness actively prevents one's overeating them. Great examples are highly-sprouted sesame seeds (sprouted to the point of resembling commercially-sold alfalfa sprouts) and highly-sprouted flaxseed (sprouted to same point). The trouble is, these aren't sold like this, and if I buy sesame seeds to sprout up to the point of healthful bitterness, I have in the meantime a binge food sitting around the house. Cannot do. Same even with flaxseed. In the earliest stages of sprouting this is a rather triggering food, something one would eat hedonically.... so I compromise and allow sprouted soybeans and the like... and (2) mature plants/fruits/vegetables/herbs which may not be alive in the sense of being actually growing living plants like a sprout is but which are fresh, raw, whole, and unpackaged and unprepared in any way. These being more tempting, I have to confine my use of them to those that are less calorie-dense than the naturally-self-limiting bitter living sprouted foods. My limit I guess is 11 calories per ounce. I have resistance to that but I had better work through this for the sake of my most minimal level of health, at this point.


BGLO stands for Bitter, Green, Living Only and refers to the kinds of sprouted items allowed in the diet. Actually I should designate the allowable sprouts not only BGLO but also Non-Starchy (as chickpeas or buckwheat-before-its-lettuce-phase, Non-Fatty (as sunflower seed sprouts and even sunflower greens), and Non-Sweet (if such a kind of sprout exists).

11 is the maximum number of calories per ounce a mature fruit or vegetable can have to be allowable. Papaya is 11, strawberries are 9, lemons are 9, tomatoes range from 5 to...10? God I hope not 12. I hope grape tomatoes are not 12 calories per ounce, or heirloom tomatoes. I will HATE being allowed SOME kinds of tomatoes and not every kind. This is disturbing to me and a thing actually to work through...

Anyway, TOTAL/PURE RUFVUW basically means no additives such as ground-up or calorie-dense spices are allowed. The acronym stands for total/pure raw, unpackaged, fresh, vegan, unprepared (bought un-cut-up, bought unaltered), whole. EVERYTHING in my diet has to meet these criteria besides the caloric criteria. I can't have ground spices on my food. I can't have a part of a food, omitting its lower-caloric parts. I have to use the fiber in fibrous vegetables to crowd out other more caloric items. Can't have a food at all (coconut) if part of the food is too calorie-dense (its meat) even though part may be sort of ok (its water).


Items to use in my diet:

ALL RAW, FRESH, WHOLE, UNPACKAGED, AND UNPREPARED:

Leafy greens -- kale, spinach, cress, mustard greens, lettuce,
sprouted soybeans
highly-sprouted mung beans
adzuki sprouts
alfalfa sprouts
clover sprouts
radish sprouts
garlic/onion sprouts
papaya
melon
starfruit
strawberries
peaches
tomatoes 11 calories per oz or less
broccoli
cauliflower
turnips
cabbage/chinese cabbage
radishes
onion that is 11 cal per oz or less
red, orange, yellow, purple, and green bell peppers
cucumbers
green leafy herbs, fresh: cilantro, parsley, basil, sage, thyme, oregano, rosemary, blah blah blah



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