Day one Part Two by lauray .....

lost but seekign to get positive and bravely fast

Date:   4/24/2008 9:46:10 PM ( 14 y ago)

Okay, I need to connect with people. I am sitting here thinking, am I just going to give up and not fast, again? My reasons for doing this would be emotional.
I wish i could post this on a forum. I feel sad about not being welcomed by some on my forum and thus feeling wrong about posting there. The thing is, I know there is nothing wrong with me, and it is positive I post and am honest -- there is such dishonesty engaged in regarding fasting.
I am feeling a lack of support.
I guess there is a guy or two I could call maybe for support on a fast, from my last search on Craigslist.
But ... I feel such a lack of conviction.
I feel really sad and alone.
I did go back to my codependents anonymous group today
I am seeign all these therapists but they jsut seem to be using me to get their needs met and do not seem to care. One seems to care. But only once a week do I see him. I do not know what to do. it is not enough of a relationship to have with someone to see someone once a week. I do not know what to do.
I am overwhelmed and exhausted. I have taken on the lease of an apartment and it is too much for me. I am so tired and beaten down. I am so sad.
I jsut feel too confused to fast. i want to take on a long fast as a real project. I want support in it. How in hell can I find this?

I am scared and alone. This is my life condition. I have not written fiction in a couple of days. i was not ma
Life is jsut too much for me and it is defeating me.
If I fast I will be made to realize how ungentle I am with myself.
OK, well, so I jsut have to get gentle.

I am so scared -- so many conflicting goals and plans.
I got together a week's reservation at a fasting center.
But now I am too tired to go.
I don't have any money.
I am lost.
I can go to my support groups tomorrow.
I wish I could salvage this fast.
I wish I had support.
I need to call this sponsor I got in a 12-step program
He is scared of fasting though and negative about it
I should

I am so lost
I want to be secure
I really sincerely tried when I was in therapy today
My therapist expelled me
He would not respect my need for silence I say if a person comes in and needs to be silent the whole
I have 4 or 5 therapists and none know about the others
I used to have 1 therapist
Should I go back to Boston?
I came here to learn to fast

I must get positive about fasting

I must remember it is so positive
I must cheer myself up about it
Just think: ten days will quickly pass, and then i will be a new person, and all I need to do is lie in bed all day, and make my therapy appointments, and get to my support group daily,
I don't even know how to plan my days,
I am driven, and I get compulsive about doing impossible tasks, like horrible tasks, like gettign food stamps and qualifying for entitlements, -- which are horribly abusive processes, not least because I abuse my own self by lying to the state agencies, telling them I am financially much worse off than I am, like, I am concealing


 

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