Day 17 of raw only and increasing-length weekly fasts by lauray .....
Keeping commitment to lengthening fasts, have made 45-hour fast, next fast, 48 hours. Need to reduce post-fast eating. Need to be more gentle and change my ways
Date: 5/10/2008 5:10:39 PM ( 14 y ago)
so, this week I have made a 45-hour fast,
I broke it on what might have been only 600 cals. of living green food -- i.e. living sprouts -- sunflower greens and buckwheat lettuce. But for hte fact that the buckwheat lettuce was noldy . so i poured raw vinegar over it and ate it anyway because I was so compulsed to eat. this is the level of my compulsion. and because the experience was so horrible it gave me not enough emotional release and so I stuffed down 300 more cals. of the same types of sprouts.
this is progress, still.
then, though, I was compulsed to eat again at 9:30 a.m., ate at 10 a.m., in horrible environment -- in a whole foods market where there is this clerk that disrespects me - stalks me - trying to impose a sexual invitation on me. Gross. mY addiction led me there in spite of the horror that was in that place. typical addict behavior.
I do deal with these compulsions after short fasts. only after a longer fast is my eating slowed down -- only after a longer at least 3 days' fast is my body healed enough to fight back strongly against rapid large-quantity eating.
I am also fearfully attached to rapid large-quantity eating. Because I cannot trust to eat slowly and trust that eventually I will eat enough to survive. It is hard to trust this. I want to maintain the slight awareness, not very clear, that I have, that the real fear here is not of starvation but of doing without a "food slam" and thus having to face my real feelings and real reality.
It is terrifying to eat slowly -- as slowly as my body demands -- and as lightly as my body demands -- post-fasts or at any time my body resists food -- because I am so scared at how my body does resist food. I am panicked. Does my body want to starve itself to death, post fast????? ... Here again I would like to believe that the REAL concern or fear is merely a sick, addicted concern or fear. This concern or fear is, I would like to believe, really a fear that I will never again be able to "slam" food -- never have any emotional release again.
I even fear that eating slowly and respectfully will make me fat -- fatter than I want to be -- humiliated. This is so complicated and contradictory. I fear that -- you see -- because eating as slowly and lightly as my body demands constitutes a kind of surrender. Also it acclimates my body to food; and this seems dangerous. I fear that my body will become able to take in large, large quantities of food without the enteric agonies which I ordinarily have. It is as though I needed to keep bingeing, and thus incapacitating my body to receive food, in order to stay as thin as I want (and wish to believe I legitimately NEED) to be (validating emotional needs aslegitimate). It is an hideous leap of faith to eat slowly and lightly -- such a risk. I need to work this out, because it is too incapacitating just to remain in the compulsion to binge and keep bingeing. Keep overstraining my system. Because of the depression, anxiety, excruciating physical pain consequences of this. Also it is humiliating to be compulsed to binge. ... but there is the greater risk of humiliation in becoming able to tolerate food more easily. ... I guess I could remain committed to my food plan no matter what -- and I know I will. So there is no danger of weight gain. And I could believe that if I really respected my body, eating as lightly as my body demanded, I would not be compulsed to binge at all... never be compulsed to or even tempted to or even think of violating my daily calorie limit. Not that i ever even consider doing this -- violating that limit. I never do. But I live in an utter misery of constant food cravings. Cravings to stuff, to binge.
Writitng this reminds me of a practice I started a little while ago of REDUCING my food intake post-fast proportional to the length of the fast. In my current commitment to fasting increasing lengths I am pretty stressed just by having to commit to this -- so I forgot about the reducing post-fast.
I am using AA as support in maintaining my day count. I am not stating what I am exactly day-counting, just "sobriety." And if my fasts are increasing in length, it is sobriety.
I am a little less alone now. i went out after an AA meeting with people last night (alcoholics anonymous).
My other experience fasting was that I did get detox symptoms - which I understand as simply my body's strugle to defecate. Theses come on about hours 40 to 48. I hurt myself : I ate in spite of the symptoms. This is a failing which I accept for now since I will be free from it as soonas my fasts grow to a greater, more therapeutic length
I have some thoughts re. food cravings which I don't want to go into now. I am so sick of people attributing cravings to 'missing nutrients. Such a disgusting view. Such a body-violating view. Body has plenty nutrients, is over-nourished. Vies of nutrients as "missing" is violating to the body. This is all from a violating approach to the body. Stuff "nutrients" into the body, rape-stuff the body, force it to do your will. like a machine. Also this is a neurotic fear of scarcity -- thinking nutrients are scarce. Also this is basically a justification for compulsive overeating -- for failing to honor the body's desire to fast, and rest. "oh, I need my nutrients." I am so sick of hearing these horrific and violating dishonesties. I know the body hates them and is violated by them. What I want for myself is to be able to refrain from eating should the smallest part of me for the smallest reason wish to refrain from eating.
someone made a comment re. "dishonesty engaged in with regard to fasting" ... I didn't really mean to target specificallly the water fast support forum. I only meant to
I have got to figure out a way to really know I am making progress in my detoxing. I know I am lengthening my fasts. I am aat 45 hours now. Next fast, in about 6 days, will be 48 hours. .... I am torn between starting to add length to fasts at a greater rate -- making a 54 hour then a 60 hour fast after the 48, that is, and jsut continuing at a slow pace. 51 hours, then 54 hours. etc.
I feel better than at the beginning of this blog.
I really want to get dramaticallly more detoxed and well.
I am scared since I might attribute my feeling better merely to fellowship and cheering on in AA. But then, this is probably to be viewed as a phenomenon of my physical healing through fasting. And as supporting my physical fasting.
I am a bit scared about fasting with such frequency as my fasts get longer.
But it is ok to fast frequently, particularly when needing a great detox.
This year is going to be my great detox, culminating in a long fast, of several days -- a 10 day fast -- and in getting into a program of repeating the 10-day fast 4 times per year. Following the Bragg fasting program
I would like to fast to completion. Maybe I will be able to go to a fasting retreat center and do that.
17 days today!!!! In a little while i will pick up my first AA chip, for 30 days
The only other thought I have is that I really have to stay committed to GENTLENESS. I think this involves resting post-fast and reducing food quantity post-fast. I cannot commit yet to reducing food quantity post -fast. It is all never in violation of my daily calorie limit -- but I am eating too much. Also - I meant to stay in bed all day today but was compulsed to go out and HAD to go out for a therapy appointment.
Partly my living situation is to blame. My roommateis horribly abusive and it is really scary. She even physically assaulted and battered me, injuring me, one night. Then another night she aggesssively created noise and when I raised my voice in frustration as she refused to stop making noise, she CALLED THE POLICE and lied to them, saying I was perpetrating domestic violence !!! This puts me in the position of being bullied into accepting her horrible noise-abusiveness. And if I protest she will call the police and lie to them... no report was taken, thank God; but I was terrified.
And the myriad tasks I have in relation this terrible, failed household. I have to get out of my lease and the landlord is refusing to allow me to sign the lease over to someone else... saying he will refuse even to CONSIDER this until I prove everyone has moved out... saving himself the trouble and expense of an eviction, all at my expense, at the expense of my life and health . F U C K !!!! f U C K him, f u c k i n g prick, pig, f u c k e r. God please help me.
So - I just have to stay committed to and excited about DETOX and I have to get courageous enough to do it. I can risk turning my will and life over to God by surrendering to my body's need to eat more lightly and slowly after a fast.. and trusting that this will NOT make me fast, since I believe there is a God who will not make me fat.
This detox is a real transformation in my life, a real spiritualization, a real sacrifice, a real growing up, and a getting sober; and I need all the support I can get for it. I get this in AA. Not even being specific about what I am detoxing from. But I got a lot of support last night -- and it works so far. In the past it has worked as well -- I have made 9 months on raw foods only by counting my days in AA on that ... not telling anyone what it was about then, either... so why shouldn't this even more real and spiritualizing sobriety -- the sobriety of maintaining, besides raw only, a steadily longer fasts program -- be even more supported?
I realize I need to work more on starting my actual fasting support group. I have started but not quite really worked on it.
I am in the los angeles area and maybe people around there are on these forums and are in sympathy with me... though I am not sure I want to invite just anyone since so many on these forums are so hostile to me and so denying of the violation experience of compulsive overeating -- so not into getting food-sober... some people have responded POSITIVELY and not this way to me especially to my blogs... so there are people out there who can really support me to get really detoxed... I wonder if any of these are in my area. i am afraid of finding no one. But I could advertise in l.a. area maybe, Maybe forming the group could be a project, a longer project. But I would not want to be controlling of people. But I have got to invite only people who really support me the way I want and wish to believe I need to be supported.
In sum: I need to be more gentle in how I conduct my life. Change my ways so I am more gentle and thus not pushed back into failing to fast for more therapeutic longer lengths of time. Maybe I need to increase slowly and steadily the lengths of fasts so I do not lose my day count of always increasing the lengths of my fasts until the optimum length or completion; I fear I may lose it if I try to go to fast. I may scare myself. Maybe my body will adjust to the longer lengths of fasts with less shock and still end up getting detoxed. If I build up slowly. The detox will be slow and steady and lasting. ... so -- slow buildup.
17 DAYS TODAY!!!!!
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