Day 1 Again by lauray .....

Have Raw Only STill, 81 Days, but Have to start again with lengthening fasts.

Date:   7/13/2008 8:52:38 PM ( 14 y ago)

I took a 66-hour fast, as I remember; but then something happened.

I tried to fast 69 or 72 hours, but I just gave up in the middle sometime.

Then I tried to fast 69/72 hours again and only made it 39 hours.

Right now I am getting back on the horse and fasting 54 hours: 10:49 am Sunday (today) until 4:49 pm Tuesday. I ought to be committing to my special program of super-light eating post fast, but the best I can do now is just commit to the fast. I am so sad and lonely that I don't even feel committed to it.

What made me fail to lengthen my fasts?

I tried to improve my diet. I tried to give up fruit. I had succeeded in giving up nuts.

I had slipped into using fruit. I had given up processed-raw foods but slipped back into fruit. I think nuts and fruit are nature's candy -- triggering for me -- and I had better do without them.

Improving my diet was a strain and made me resentful of fasting (life suddenly contained NO FUN AT ALL)

ALso, lengthening my fasts beyond the 50-60-hour length was complicated. When the fasts get to that length I can't fast every week.... I mean, I can, but I am scared to. I knew someone once whose husband fasted 3 days EVERY week and ate normal amounts the other 4 days and did well that way. So I could do it. I could fast 3 days every week. ...... My goal is .... I am trying to get myself into a mindset in which

I am at a difficult, transitional phase. THis is the phase of taking fasts of 50/60/66 hours and longer. I feel I ought to take more days in between fasts of this length but then

I guess the answer is to really start eating much more lightly post-fasts. This way there is discipline, almost as great as fasting discipline, in between fasts, and transitioning back to a fast at the end of the rest period is easier. The rest period has not been just several days of debauchery.

Also I need to start really adhering to the more disciplined diet.. no nuts, no fruit; ideally, living foods only, and non-starchy, sprouted-to-the-chlorophyll-stage living foods at that.

Having a less tempting/triggering diet will make fasting easier. I won't be missing anything by fasting.

Writing this all down has helped me get clarity.

I actually have a diet now of no nuts no fruit, raw only. I have got to improve this as follows: more attention to my sprouts, so they get green; stop eating peanuts (I eat them soaked or at least wet down; but this, though a legume and not a nut, is NOT a living food)... so, living foods ONLY; and make these living foods high-quality living foods (developed chlorophyll and not starchy).

So I have made progress in my diet. I am pretty committed to No Fruit. Eating fruit is so painful anyway. I do not know what I will do when my system recovers to the extent that eating fruit will not be painful (i.e., bloating). I don't think I need fruit in my life -- and I have a notion that maybe I can treat it (as all triggering foods) the same as a sober alcoholic treats alcohol -- i.e., as something which only brings trouble if you let it back into your system.. as something which you can probably never again consume safely.... I am scared to be so radical but feel I must be... my life has been so full of pain.

My basic problem is (horribly painful, incapacitating, mental-capacity-diminishing)bloating and the attendant neurological disturbances of this: anxiety, depression.

The basic reason for the bloating is MY BODY NEEDS TO FAST. I should not be eating at all right now. More procesed foods would bloat me less, perhaps, but they would have other, worse consequences. When you are toxic you crave more processed foods since these cause less pain (bloating) initially. The body is trying to send you teh message to stop eating. More processed foods beat up the body more and the body cannot resist them as it can resist less processed foods. The resistance to the less processed foods is the blaoting. It tells you, stop eating; you need to fast.

I am scared to stop eating. This is -- I guess -- part just my addiction to eating for emotional reasons (terrible loneliness in life); part pure anxiety-disorder (terrified to step out of a routine); .... when I try to articulate my feeligns about stopping eating I come up with something like: "I am so scared that i will die from shock or starve to death...." ... I need to work on this.

I ate quite a bit this morning (950 cals., some "dishonestly measured") to begin my fast and actually did not bloat much at all (surprisingly: this shows that although the meal contained soaked peanuts, my only remaining "sin food", it was pretty much OK... aside from the peanuts it was a living meal, sprouts only. But I have (owing to the basic fact of the too-large size of the meal)

My general struggle is to stay positive enough to start my day count over with the fasting.
I need support for this and am thinking of going back to AA. I have not been attending recently.

So my commitments are: (1) to start my day count again. (2) To make a commitment to a lighter post-fast plan. (3) To improve my sprouts (4) To get on a living ONLY diet and make this a GREEN, LIVING ONLY DIET (sprouts with developed chlorophyll and non-starchy only. Ideal diet and a diet that supports fasting is: for instance, flax seeds sprouted to green; sesame seeds sprouted to green; alfalfa sprouts; ... what else??? I just want OUT OF MISERY. I just want to achieve a long fast and surrender to its healing. The way to the long fast is via cleaning up my diet, and committing to this clean diet for life. This is a big commitment. I am actually making it.

This doesn't even get at the real truth about my daily experience
It seems I have such trouble gettign honest, as honest a s i need to get to heal and make a difference in my daily experience

I thought of making "food blanks" -- big forms to fill out every time I eat that ask: is eating Ok with you right now? (probably not) if not, why are you eating?...(I am scared, I am in a routine I am afraid to step out o f, I will just be obsessed with eating until I actually succumb and do eat, ... WHAT IS THE REAL REASON HERE? .. and would i ever have the patience to srite this on a form?) .... how do you feel before? (high) after? (horrible, emotionally and physically) ... at what time did you feel the "stop signal? ... at what time did you actually stop eating? ... all just trying to get at the problem and show some progress... trying to dig into the core anxiety that has me trapped in this habit of eating in spite of its not being Ok with me to eat... this is the fundamental symptom... the hard part is my body wants a long long fast NOW and my compulsion/anxiety/toxic condition seizes me with an anxiety that won't allow me to STOP EATING long enough to make a difference. God help me.

I am just so unable to get empowered and organized about this. I can't even sit down and state the problem and solution. Or, I know the solution but then I am so relieved at articulating it all I just go eat over the sense of relief. It is a nightmare, and I need attention 24/7 about it, and it has ruined my life and ruins it every day. God help me.

I need to meditate. I keep saying this. Meditation would set me on the path to a solution by making it clear to me what I need to do.

The first thing that is clear to me is I really need to experience the empowerment of success in controlling my diet. and the empowerment of any successful adherence to any plan on my life. Even the meditation. Like, even if it ultimately were NOT the wisest course to meditate 8 hours a day for a while, I would want to do that just to experience the basic sense of mastery and success... because I am so deprived of any sense of mastery or empowerment in my life.

So I can control my diet, to a great extent, it seems;
I just have to get off peanuts and improve my sprouts.
Then I have to have better behavior around my fasting, as I mention above. Lighter post-fast eating plans.,
Then I will successfully fast for longer periods.

Then I will erxperience healing.
I really think meditation is an important part of it all, something that will facilitate all this and... get me closer to God, I hope.

Otherwise in my life I jsut want more connection with others, to be more loving, and I want to have purposeful activity (art) and I want to live my real values (spiritual values)
I am in a state of just asking myself, OK, what do you really want?

Please write back. I feel I would like to get on this blog more and maybe post "food blanks" daily ... but how? How to mediatae and do all this? I would liek to really get downon this blog and really state the problem. Thanks for any response.


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