Monday, March 25th, 2013: It's Day 1 of My Food Sobriety by lauray .....

a prayer to stay food-sober now that i am food-sober

Date:   3/25/2013 7:33:10 AM ( 9 y ago)

as outlined in previous posts:



800 calories a day

raw, fresh, whole, LOW-CALORIE-DENSITY foods ONLY

raw unprepared fruit/vegetables of 11 calories per oz or less

and/or

raw nonstarchy non-oily living green-colored low-calorie-density sprouts.



That is it
no salt, spices, juices, or condiments




I have been suffering hideously on processed food. I am in such an unhealthy state it is urgent for me to stay all raw as above FOR LIFE

at the same time i don't think ppl get motivated by urgency or threats. And it seems really important I understand this change as being ... socially acceptable... these are complicating factors. I can think of the change as making me a cool radical person ... this is slightly convincing and is progress

to finish off sunday i ingested 400 cal of processed food. total 1574 cal for sunday.

for monday i ingested just prior to sunday midnight/monday a.m. around 1500 cal of processed food. stopped right before midnight to make monday a fully clean day, my first day clean. all night so far, so ill i can't breathe, severe mucus in lungs, asthma-type reaction, despite vomiting some of the fude... not enough. the vomiting becoming a task too strenuous to undertake. god please deliver me from this monstrous food. all food is monstrous really, for me in my present condition. i have no calories left for monday but if i stick to the 800 cal limit for just 3 days the excess will be gone.


i need support. i have a person who does this praying with/for me to be healed but he does not understand how necessary it is i STOP THE FOOD. doesnt understand addiction. and he doesn't accept that it is incredibly urgent i fast.

it can be devastating to try to talk to anyone who (a) doesn't understand the deadliness and absoluteness of addiction [and is liable to tell you "it's ok if you mess up/relapse:" IT IS NOT] or (b) does not understand how hard it is for me to fast and HOW ABSOLUTELY DEADLY IT IS FOR ME TO SIT HERE CONTINUING TO EAT. The experience of talking to anyone like this is so invalidating.

I need to form a group of people who need to fast in order to remain alive, because I am such a person.


odd how i have to develop a sense of urgency and i have done so... but also how i don't get committed in response to the sentiment "you'd better... or else." fasting is a brutally hard thing. i so wish i were able to tolerate it. i need to and pray to learn. right now it's just sticking with my low cal density diet, for life. i WILL fast before it is too late.

I am so sad that I might just get sicker and sicker and older and older and seem to be more and more worthless to society -- and never heal myself, never fast AND YET I just sit there and f u c k i n g eat the f u c k i n g fude EVERY SINGLE F U C K I N G TIME. I was supposed to be fasting 60 hours when this blog started but I sat there and after writing all day just ended up alone and severely depressed and just f u c k i n g ate the f u c k i n g processed fude I had left over from the previous night instead of returning it for a LOT of money as I had planned and determined to do. AND I bought MORE processed fude. All because yeesterday, Sunday "wasn't Day 1 yet." and Monday would be the first fully clean Day -- today, Monday would be Day One -- so I felt I "had to" eat the processed fude while it was not Day One yet. Because I couldn't feel I was "quite ready" to stop.
My ingestion of (1900 calories of) processed fude last night was therefore attributable to (1) feeling "not quite satisfied"/"not quite ready to stop"/"like I needed to take advantage of this being the LAST TIME EVER for processed fude" BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY since this is an understandable reaction and I hope a one-time event, I LOST MY FAST.

WHY DID I LOSE MY FAST?

THIS IS WHAT THIS BLOG IS ALL ABOUT.

WHY DID I LOSE MY FAST???

I felt lonely. I felt "life was too miserable" without stuffing something in my mouth.

This is as far as I can get with the analysis right now.

i know this is the core of my problem and I should attack it but ... ok I should be writing all this in a next post so I will do that 1 second . at least i will start a new post for the question of why I lost my fast. Besides the "occasion-related" reasons, which might nto have been UTTERLY overwhelming if I had been in a better place, there were FUNDAMENTAL REASONS and I need to write those down and see them & TRY TO SOLVE THEM GOD PLEASE HELP ME


i am sad and lonely and need my life to have a purpose

need to get in therapy immediately

please god keep me food-sober.

 

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