I grew up in an atheistic environment of the Soviet Union. The very first book I read when at the age of fifteen my family crossed the iron curtain was the Old Testament. I got it from the missionaries in Italy where I spent six month before coming to the United States. I was fascinated by everything religious, spiritual, mystical and metaphysical and was on a quest for the Truth ever since.
When I begun practicing yoga and doing meditation about three years ago I started experiencing significant psycho-spiritual changes. It fit the profile of what is described in some texts as the Kundalini Awakening. In February of 2006 I moved across the continent to Los Angeles, where I was immediately embraced by a very gifted and creative community of people interested in spirituality and creative arts. Some of my closer friends were medical doctors, college professors, and spiritual/yoga teachers and healers. They were teaching me things in a spontaneous and fun way, and invited me to partake in some practices which seemed spiritually benevolent and were also very amusing.
The psycho-spiritual process I was experiencing progressively got more intense. I increasingly felt amazing connection with people and the whole world. My intuitive abilities and skills as a healer flourished, my memory and analytical skills improved greatly. I was feeling oneness with the world, loving everything and everyone. I was feeling happier than I ever did. All was beautiful and well. Everyone’s face was glowing with beauty and wisdom. I was falling in love with every person I met. It seemed everyone was just as deeply falling in love with me too. Maybe that’s what enlightenment is supposed to be like, I thought. I pondered on how to go forward in a responsible way with new powers I seemed to be developing? Was this ‘normal’? So much was unknown. I trusted I would be shown the way when the time comes.
Things started to drastically shift in around mid-March of this year. At the same time I had a few puzzling experiences of feeling something energetic come in and out of me. On two occasions I actually saw ghost-like creatures enter my body from the mirror. Both of these incidents happened within one week, in a presence of a man I meet at the holistic conference, Conscious Life Expo, a year earlier. Robert suddenly re-emerged and wanted to hang out with me all the time. He called me a brother. Interesting coincidence was that he appeared exactly when my closest friend at that time, who also called me a brother, went out of the country for a month, to a Thailand. It turned out they were both members of the same community, a tribe I was already being introduced to. This synchronicity encouraged me to open up and confide in him right away. Within a month he became increasingly more possessive, manipulative and weird. He started asking me provocative, hypothetical questions, as ridiculous as: would I throw a banana skin on the ground. When I told him that I wouldn’t, he’d question my choice, arguing, ‘but it’s organic, it’ll decompose’. He asked me strange questions about my history. For example, if I’ve ever forced a kiss on a girl. (The answer was an honest ‘of course not’) He wanted to spend time alone in my car. One time he told me he wanted a friend that would jump out of the window if he asked him to. About a month since we first started spending time together our friendship ended abruptly when one evening I told him I was tired and wanted to go home yet he insisted that I stay with him. I confronted him with my growing suspicion that his interests in me were impure. At first, he tried to deny any aberration. When I persisted, to my astonishment, his face morphed into one that was very ugly, evil and lustful. It was unnatural, predominantly bluish in color and sweaty. He started leaning toward me. I felt energetically overwhelmed. Robert is one head taller than me, but this dominance was clearly supernatural, not physical. I got out of the car. He followed me. As I was walking away I felt a big energetic entity enter me from behind. It felt disgusting and extremely invasive. When I questioned him about this on the next day, he told me he did not know what happened.
Concurrently, I was more frequently experience what felt as telepathy with other members of the tribe, and soon, I was hearing voices even when I was home alone. I willingly believed that they belonged to spirit guides; my soul, even God/Goddess, as they claimed. They seemed benevolent and fun. I felt them coming in and out of me. Several times they’ve playfully touched me in a sexual way. I liked their encouragement and helpful tips. I accepted that they were agents of the spiritual tribe, here to guide me. Communication from them was verbal and in human voices of different characters of various age and gender. They had symbolic communication signals too. For example, when they agreed with my thoughts I heard birds singing, when they didn’t, I heard a flash of a toilet. When I was in a conversation with other people they ‘assisted’ me in bodily ways. My eye itched when they wanted me to make a special note of what I was looking at, my nose itched when a bad recommendation was presented to me, my head itched when I was guided to reconsider an idea I thought about more thoroughly. Sometimes messages came in as inserted thoughts. In time, I’ve learned to distinguish those from my own.
Eventually, voices became bossier. They led me to believe that my brothers wanted me to follow their instructions. These ‘brothers’ were people I still thought to be amazing and spiritually evolved beings, which obviously possess superhuman abilities. I was grateful to them for befriending me, helping me with my job, teaching me and catalyzing my spiritual growth. Still considering this a divine intervention, with reverence I paid attention and found a way to rationalize what was happening.
When voices cheered me on to be a ‘bull’, I figured I was encouraged to be more assertive and courageous – a good thing, I figured, considering I was chronically shy. I played that role for a couple of weeks, mostly at the music festivals and parties I was invited to by my ‘brothers’. These events were similar to the Burning Man, a modern hippie festival which takes place once a year in the desert of Nevada: electronic music, drugs, New Age activities and masquerade -- a huge carnival where anything and everything goes. I was not into the hedonistic aspect of these parties, but rather into learning by exploring as an observer.
More and more frequently, at these parties, I experienced a strange exchange with some people there, when I was merely standing or dancing next to them. They were obviously also aware of it and seemed to enjoy it. I was puzzled by this and asked around but got no straight answer. My theory at that time was that this was a sort of Tantric exchange of information and healing energy.
Voices encouraged me to stop talking to my old friends and family, and spend more time by myself, at home. Looking back, I realize voices exploited masterfully my isolation. Voices said they had my book of life. Days earlier, at one of the parties I was emphatically shown a drawing with a picture of a book, with ‘Life’ inscripted on it in Russian, my native language. Allegedly, I was groomed for my spiritual awakening and higher purpose, and I was not to waist time on what was unessential at the moment. The idea was that I would later re-enter the world as my more fully realized self.
Voices called me a beautiful man, a genius, most powerful man in the world, etc. At that point I was beginning to doubt their sincerity. When they announced that I was ‘God’, I tried to rationalize this by remembering the adage that there’s a spark of God in everyone. Voices proceeded to try to convince me that indeed I was ‘The God’. Therefore, they reasoned, I should be ‘an %¤#&!§-’ and rudely take what I wanted, without payment. They continued with their ‘guidance’, promoting competitiveness, pride, and cynicism. This was utterly against my value system. Fortunately, I had enough insight to hold back. Perhaps my character is been tested, I thought.
My ‘brothers’ started showing me how to seduce women, and alluded to offers of corrupt ventures. When I refused to use strategies I was shown and my newly gained psychic abilities to manipulate other people, voices called me a coward. Frustrated with my defiance, they started to make fun of me whenever I was nice to people, like when I said ‘thank you.’ They chanted mantra ‘it’s bull shit, it’s all bull shit’ when I even thought about anything loving or religious.
It got so bad I could not carry on with my work as a healer. Explaining to my patients that I needed some time to work on my personal process, I quit my practice. Actually, the owner of the clinic where I was working asked me to do so. I was in agreement. I hopped that this ordeal would soon come to an end and I would resume my work shortly.
However, it was getting more bizarre by the day. Voices told me I should have a homosexual relationship; they said everybody was a ‘faggot’ (not my word) and that I am too straight. They also told me that I was ‘too good’, ‘too proper.’ Among several of their absurd ideas they tried to get me to believe in was that I was already dead. One version of it was that I died in an accident and was now in my afterlife. They were trying to get me off-center in various other ways, with increasing intensity and vigor.
My priority in dealing with people has always been the good Hippocratic dictum – to help, or at least to do no harm. Since I did not like the way voices wanted me to relate to people and did not want to suffer the punishment for opposing them either, I withdrew even more. As I saw my professional and personal life crumble, I started giving less credence to what voices said, and respected them less. I realized, no matter whose agents they were, clearly they were not my friends. There was now an unmistakable anger and hatred in their tone.
My idea of spirit guides has always been that they are gentle and loving beings. It became crystally clear to me that the source of these voices was not of the Light. I asked, whatever these things are, to leave me alone. This infuriated voices and they showered me with horrible insults in the nastiest way imaginable.
I tried to get some answers from people who apparently initiated me into this, whatever it was. Most of them mocked me covertly, in an amazing synchronicity with the voices, and suggested that I was going crazy. A few seemed to sympathize with me, but offered no real help. More and more people around me seemed to be channeling bizarre, often ominous information supposedly about me. I felt I was very harshly judged, based on some unfairly perverted image of me.
Voices explained that everyone was lying to me, that these people are ‘bull-shitters’, and that since I didn’t like their games and also because I was unattractive, nobody wanted me, and that I should now ‘get the f@(% out.’ Whenever I went outside, there was always somebody stocking or otherwise playing with my mind. When I was in my first-floor apartment in Santa Monica, I heard people outside my window laughing, making fun of me.
In mid-May, right after my birthday, voices claimed that I’m their ‘shell’ and forbade all personal initiative. A few times they called me their ‘taxi’. As far as they were concerned, any action, even thought, was a sin, punishable by a deluge of threats and insults. When I so much as hinted that I was suffering, they said: ‘Happy Birthday!’ I guess they thought it was funny.
I was hugely perplexed and enormously disappointed, to say the least. What a turn of events. One day I seemed to have a key to the city, and then I was crudely kicked out. Before long, devastated, I moved out from LA. I spent the following couple of weeks driving around neighboring towns. It seems the tribe knew where I went and either followed me or had their friends in these towns harass me.
Sensing a deliberate persecution by an organized gang I left the country. The voices did not disappear, however. To learn more about them, I went scuba diving. They were still heard making fun of me at seventy feet under the surface of the sea. Even in a foreign country, they tried to make me believe I was stocked. Now that there were no people I could actually see, not just hear, I the lie that the whole world hates me to a rest. When I returned to New York, I was relieved to find no apparent signs of persecution from people around me either. Eventually, they gave up on this particular plot.
The entourage from hell continued their attacks in other ways though. As I’ve become more familiar with their games, they became less fantastic, but still very creative in ways of torturing me. There are many distinct voices that seem to have separate consciousness, but two are most frequent, almost always present taking turns talking to or about me. Although they seem to have unique and consistent personalities, they don’t reveal any information that can be used to trace their identity. They gladly accept most identities I give them in my contemplation of them, the more dramatic the better, but generally identify themselves collectively as ‘bull-shitters’, and sometimes, the ‘island’. Some of the other most peculiar names they’ve came up for themselves: my toys, my magic markers, my prohibiters, not-wanters, border patrol. Usually, they speak Russian, but they apparently understand English perfectly, and likely, know other languages too. Most often these creatures behave as hooligans who tease and torment just for fun of it. For example, they suggest lewd acts, draw attention to things sexual or filthy, and then scold me for considering or even noticing, condemning, in fact, almost all of my initiative, even on a thought level. They often insist that I don’t need anything at all anymore and also that I should die already. They call me all kinds of insulting names. Some of the names they call me are highly symbolic, such as ‘hole puncher’, then instigate me to try to figure out why they call me that. Sometimes they proclaim that I’ve created or requested this experience; though as of late, more frequently they take a credit for it. In fact, they claim that bull-shitters invented all that there is. Daily, they threaten me, question my credibility and sanity, invade privacy, lie, confuse, discourage, disrupt and interfere in all aspects of my life.
In order to remain hopeful and keep a positive attitude, I tried to rationalize what was happening to me in an optimistic light. Remembering the book of Job, and learning about the Temptations of Saint Anthony, I thought perhaps I was tested by God. I've also considered that this could be an accelerated karmic cleansing, a purgatory. As time went on this seemed less and less likely.
These creatures’ objectives became progressively clear and explicit: to torment me with feelings of anger, fear and guilt, drive me to self-destruction, even suicide, or at the least, make me a madman. The reason: “We like it like that”, “It’s delicious”, “We are playing with you”, “We seriously dislike you”, “We hate you”…
For a long time now, I believed in one benevolent God, and never game much thought to evil spirits or devil. I thought such are fear-based concepts, fairy-tale characters, something to scare people into devotional practice with. But even if they were real, I figured, they were not likely to trouble a good man. Clearly, I was naïve and ignorant to think this.
After a considerable research, and having spent several months observing this phenomena first hand, I now strongly believe that I have been attacked by discarnate entities with immoral agenda. There was a lot I did not understand about what was happening to me since I got into spiritual practice three years ago, but it seemed it was making me a more capable and happier person. My intention remained to do good, seek the truth, and follow God’s will as I knew it. At the time, I was not very well familiar with the Christian scriptures and was highly suspicious of any doctrines. Spirits came in with a promise of holy guidance, a direct, personal revelation. They were masters of seduction. They were all I wanted them to be… until they got a strong hold of me. When the courtship ended they proceeded to rape my mind with fear and delusion. I believe I was set up to be possessed by them by a group of people who serve evil of spirit realm, possibly Satan, or are in a symbiotic relationship with spirit entities. It’s possible, they wanted to initiate me into their community, and then, when I did not agree with their values and refused to follow their guidance, attempted to destroy me.
Sometimes voices tell me that the game is over, or that they’ve done their ‘cleaning’ job, or even that a mistake was made, but then a moment later they tell me that this will never end, and continue their assault.
I am in pain, my loved ones are suffering too, people I could have been helping as a physical therapist are not getting treated, but I am not about to kill myself, become an %¤#&!§-or give up to the darkness in any other way. Voices tell me that it’s all over for me, that “it is too late.” I don’t believe them. I believe I can prevail. As my confidence and will to resist get stronger, voices increasingly try to convince me that I am ‘scared’. I know the reverse is true. I suspect these demons are getting worried about my plans. I am determined to find resolution. I would also like to help other people who have similar problem or are in a danger of becoming a victim of Satanic oppression.
I hope my story will encourage and assist others, and that it will also invite some helpful feedback, which I welcome and would very much appreciate.
It appears Christianity has the most reasonable explanation for what has happened to me and deliverance is the key to my healing. With great interest I began reading the New Testament three days ago. I already feel strongly that this is a very special text indeed. I started praying. I am now looking for a ministry to personally assist me in this process. I would greatly appreciate any genuine advice and welcome recommendations. I currently reside in New York City, and will spend a weak in South California later this year. Churches local to these areas would be most convenient, but I want to hear about great ministries in other regions too.
I thank our Heavenly Father, and the owner of this site, for making this forum available for me to share my experience. I also thank you for your consideration and taking your time to read my story. God bless.