Not everyone notices these things that we all give, and give up, in marriage, or in living with anyone, even our children.
Luckily, the healthcare things I've been doing have stopped my snoring, I am told. (I only heard myself a few times, as I woke myself up. It was pretty awful.) And I always breathe easily, now.
One thing I think may be true in relationships...
...That we become 'used' to others, waking and sleeping, and in any room in the house, anywhere in our lives. I feel that our sub-conscious minds take care of us while we are sleeping, and waking...allowing us to accept the presence of others as 'safe'...or not.
Otherwise, we would soon be dead from lack of rest, etc.
My first mother-in-law prided herself on her frugality, her clean house, and her ability to catch people in lies, even years later. (That's why we all could be sure she would ask certain questions, repeatedly, at least annually. And significantly why she became my EX mother-in-law. She was a 'pip'...unique.)
Her husband came home every working-day afternoon, had his shower and changed, then settled into his favorite chair to read his newspaper, and have a cigarette.
His wife also never failed to notice how dirty was his smoking habit, and she chastized him daily for the ashes on her living room carpet, furniture, etc.
(She, of course, had quit a thirty-year smoking habit, cold turkey, and figured everyone else should, too.)
One day, while she was nattering away about the filth around his chair, her husband said...
"That's funny, I haven't smoked a cigarette for three weeks!"
(The most perfect 'squelch' story I ever heard! And, proof positive that she was just 'feeling' the dirt.)
A few minutes ago, I posted this in the Rape forum, reminding me of some things I did to change some of my strongest feelings. They made life-changing differences...
Subject: Re: Need to talk
Date: 3/5/2008 10:39:42 AM (38 min ago)
Hits: message viewed 8 times
I believe you, too, Jynx.
But, obviously, it's your mum who is important to you. ...And yourself. Burying a memory, inside, not talking about it or whatever you need to do, makes the event even more stressful, I think...or long-lasting.
Still, you have other alternatives.
If you could change the way you FEEL about it, including how you feel about your mum's reaction, the whole thing might disappear, or become unimportant.
(Please, throw an old shoe at me, if you think I need it.)
At one time, I proved to myself that I only needed to put my arms around myself, stroke my upper arms, and say out loud, "There, there, little one. You'll be okay...I'll take care of you," for the 'child' within to be comforted, and the feelings (of disappointment, that I wasn't worth better treatment) to vanish.
I was 46 years old, and the life-long sometimes pain in my stomach instantly disappeared, permanently.
The book I read this in explained that we are three people inside...
...The needy 'child',
...The worried and scolding 'parent', and,
...The 'adult' we are becoming.
And that the 'adult' is responsible for the well-being of all....comforting the 'child', soothing the 'parent'...and giving the 'adult' opportunities to explore and grow...to see more of life and other people, and ourselves.
That simple exercise, putting ones arms around oneself, is powerful.
More recently, I accidently discovered another way...
..."Let's say you/ I /they did!" ...Or, "do!"
I said that to my mother, 87, when she was wishing she had raised her children differently.
Instantly, her face opened like a flower, and all the things she wished became possible...she said some of them, with joy.
The imagination is a wonderful thing...and we can access it so easily.
Since then, I've used this idea many times, often to fall asleep at night. The exercise also has a way of 'leaking' into my daytimes, as well.
Eventually, as we grow older and wiser, incidents in the past kind of change shape, as we learn more of what was really going on.
There wasn't one thing you could have done differently! You did your best, according to what you knew so far. (We always do.)
That poor man thought what he was doing was a good idea...okay...at the time...else he wouldn't have done it. For some strange reason, at which you can only guess, he thought he was 'allowed'.
He didn't yet realize his 'duty of care' toward you, or to himself.
Perhaps he learned this later, or perhaps he didn't. Either way, it wasn't your responsibility to teach him...nor could you.
The only thing you are responsible for is your own feelings, today, no matter how anyone else acted.
It is a lucky thing that our feelings CAN be changed...and so easily. Eventually, our feelings do change, anyway, whether or not we do it on purpose.
It's lucky, too, that we can change in the direction we prefer.
Hope there is something here for you, Jynx. Or, should I call you 'Lucky'?
A lady was complaining how her husband insisted on reading his newspaper over breakfast, bare-chested...a disgusting habit, she thought.
Another lady, who was single, said, "Please give him to me."
I suppose there are very few of us who have it so badly that others would not willingly change places with us, in the twinkling of an eye.
In fact, as heart-wrenching and hurtful as it was, I am very glad I dumped the other guy, and his mother, and found the dear I am now married to.
Perhaps the former husband is also glad to have a nice new wife.
I even suspect that I am somewhat elevated in the esteem of the ex-mother-in-law, too, as she had to take on another daughter-in-law, complete with brand new preferences and habits.
Life is quite curious, but interesting.