not sexually turned on by fiance 
#94706
16 y
3,826
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so I've been with the same guys since I was 17. He's the only guy I've ever "been" with.(im 23 now). when we started having sex, it was good- I was always wanting to. He also used to be a really bad boyfriend then and we eventually took time apart (I was devastated and didnt meet other guys, while he met/kissed other girls). We got back together about 2 years ago and he's changed. he's not the horrible, terrrible person he was before. But he did abuse me in the past and maybe that's why im no longer sexually attracted to him. I have no sex drive when it comes to him. I do know another guy and he turns me on more by touching my back than I get turned on when my fiance wants sex. i havent had sex in like a year- i use the excuse were getting married in a catholic church and i want the wedding night to be special. but now i am thinking i want to be with this other guy.... im supposed to be married in a few months...- Re: not sexually turned on by fiance telluride
16 y
4,171
R
This is a reply to # 1,129,256I would seriously re-think the marriage. This is a disaster in the making.
- It is time for break-up White Shark
16 y
3,859
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Yopu and your "husban to be" do not have a relationship anymore.
It IS OVER!!!!!!!!!
It IS OVER!!!!!!!!!
The sooner you realize that, the soner you will be happy again.
You are not a happy person!
You are too young for getting into marriage!
Take a break from him for at leats one year ... before you are sure you want ti marry him.
White Shark
- It is time for break-up White Shark
16 y
3,859
- Re: not sexually turned on by fiance #48688
16 y
4,019
R
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,129,256No sexual desire usually means - not much love.
Love is usually what allows a marriage to work and why two people want to be married to each other.
At twenty three there's still a whole lifetime ahead.
A little tidbit of info-
There's something called a cycle of action.
It involves start, change, stop.
Just about everything goes through a cycle of action.
It is usually easy to start something.
It takes a little more effort to keep it going.
It often takes the most effort to stop something.
- Re: not sexually turned on by fiance #77290
16 y
2,978
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,129,325Be-Do-Have? Cycle of action?? I believe I hear Mr Hubbard. That's okay, I've been studying it since 88.
- Re: not sexually turned on by fiance #77290
16 y
2,978
- Re: not sexually turned on by fiance Quinta_Essentia
16 y
3,199
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I sort of hesitate to say this, but have you considered the fact that when your boyfriend was being a beast and a tyrant and an abuser you were really sexually turned on? and now that he is nice and not abusing you, you have no sexual stimulation with him at all? think about what this might mean....- Quinta, B2reflect
16 y
3,719
This is a reply to # 1,129,336I do not know if you have read any of my posts about my past. I am not admonishing what you say, truly.
LOL Although, I would have not EVER consider that could be a possibility
"but have you considered the fact that when your boyfriend was being a beast and a tyrant and an abuser you were really sexually turned on? and now that he is nice and not abusing you, you have no sexual stimulation with him at all?"
Yet I think more women out there do not have enough self confidence, self worth for themselves that that statement may be truer than many will admit.
Stop and think before you marry this man. One can have sex without love, yet One deserves love to be in a marriage...with or without sex.
Peace,
Beth
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- Quinta, B2reflect
16 y
3,719
- Re: not sexually turned on by fiance High on Water
16 y
3,323
This is a reply to # 1,129,256As much as you don't want to hurt your fiance, you'd be hurting him MORE by marrying him if you truly don't love him.
Seriously, if you don't want to marry him, you should not. Later is not the time to make a decision. Vows are vows. - Re: not sexually turned on by fiance #58095
16 y
4,558
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When he was abusive, you had sex on your side as a tool to feel in control of something.
Now that he is subdued, the challenge is gone and sex as a tool to gain control is useless. You ended up with more control than you desired, therefore not the challenges you want that you can gain control.
The new man on the scene represents a challenge.
I think something is buried deep down inside of you calling for a challenge.
I think, to marry your boyfriend would be unfair to him and yourself with those feelings you have toward him now.
Do you really think you would be happily married forever the way it is now? Especially with the added stress of a new family added to it.
A psychologist may help you work things out that is buried inside you.
Do you ever feel worthless? Do you ever feel the need for self punishment? Do you ever feel the need for control. Do you ever feel the need for more attention, where you demand someone be overly attentative?
Is denial of sex really a way to distance yourself away from your boyfriend? Perhaps so he will be the one to pull away, and relieving you of the stress of breaking the relationship off yourself? - Re: not sexually turned on by fiance Alikat
16 y
4,469
RR
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I don't agree with other posters who say that you could have been turned on becuase of the abuse and now that he's toned down, he's no longer exciting. Yes, this could be true, but it's also true that a passive woman will "fall in love" with a man even when he's abusive, and as she matures she comes to realize that the abuse is not acceptable. For many women, myself included, no matter how much one may love a guy at first, insults piled on top of one another, over and over again, have a completely cooling and hardening effect. There is no way to be turned on while inside you are feeling tons of resentments from a brutal past, even if the attitude has changed, the scars are still there.
I do compoetely agree with others though, in that you need to get out and fast. I can't even understand why you would be planning and considering marriage with someone with whom you have such a poor dynamic. You need the help and counseling of someone much older and wiser than you before you ruin the rest of your precious young life.
FORGET IT!!! FORGET IT!!!! FORGET IT !!!!!! FORGET IT !!!!!! FORGET IT !!!!!!
FORGET IT !!!!!! FORGET IT !!!!!! FORGET IT !!!!!! FORGET IT !!!!!! FORGET IT !!!!!!
- Alikat = BSA post! N/M #68716 16 y 3,110
- Alikat, there is at least one more s... fledgling
16 y
3,046
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...That is waking up to the recognition of 'what might have been', years later.
Suddenly understanding that you have been operating on the expectation that the other has never had the same intentions as yourself is a great kick in the teeth.
"I love you" can mean anything, including that "I love you and need you, the best I have ever known, even though I can't satisfy, or understand, your real needs or hopes."
Good judgement is best, beforehand.
Blessed are the parents who know and teach good judgement...early.
That's a great post you wrote there!!!
- Re: not sexually turned on by fiance roooth
16 y
4,151
RR
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Please please please do not put yourself and him through a painful divorce. Yes, I mean divorce. And a nasty marriage leading up to it! It is common for a woman to mature in the age range that you've been with this man to realize more of what she wants or doesn't want in life. I do know a girl who was in an abusive relationship and realized she wanted to turn that tendency around. Now she is married to a man that adores her.
If you have the strength to do it, end this pain early, for both you and for him, because believe me, if you go through with it, the pain to come will be far worse than what you know already. Think about when you first get married and he thinks the dam will break and you'll have sex 4 times a day for a few months. How painful for him to slowly but painfully realize that the whole time you just didn't want it. What's next? Him building anger and resentment because of that? Maybe returning to some of his old ways? You cheating with a man you do want?
Please don't do this.
p.s. Incidentally, I also believe a woman deserves to enjoy sex as well and our emotion and psyche are tied into sex - so we deserve to have someone we connect with - I'd say physically and emotionally but that is a given as the two are linked. - Re: not sexually turned on by fiance #68439
16 y
3,184
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good to see you are talking about it, that means you are seriously considering to drop the wedding plans.
you are 23, only had one boyfriend, there is lots more to live.
I too only had and still do have one girlfriend, and i never been with other girls. That has been a continuos choosing, and not an ideal to fit into.
Don't settle for vanilla without having a spoonful of other flavors.
Also, to marry often leads to conceive babies and then you are i the jam. Leave that tedious stuff for when you are 40, is my advise
if you like evil men come see me :)
good luck - Re: not sexually turned on by fiance #68716
16 y
4,002
RR
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Sexual activity does not, under any circumstances, equate into emotional intimacy.
If it were me, I would run like my butt was on fire, finish my education, put romantic relationships on the back burner for a while, find out who I was, figure out where I was going, and set goals for my Self that did not include having a partner in the equation.
In this day and age, we don't NEED to have a significant other until we're emotionally ready. Even 50 years ago, the dynamics of committed relationships were changing - rather than commit to someone who was a good provider and produce offspring to assist in running the household (or, the farm), human beings began to experience the luxury of CHOOSING for other reasons.
So, there's no rush to secure a husband, 94706. The attention should be focused on 94706 evolving into a strong, emotionally healthy, self-assured, and productive woman.
Best wishes to you. - Re:
#68716
16 y
3,250
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Nothing like a little sex, to destroy what is otherwise a perfectly good friendship. It either makes or breaks it, most oftenly, it breaks it. Within marriage, it's all different.
Smart people don't marry for sex, but for the person. Devotion, surrender, sharing, working together for a common goal, which typically involves children. Once one has the right partner chosen, the sex is icing on the cake. Prior to marriage, sex without commitment is usually poison. Sucks, but that's the way it is. Those who can't control it, end up diseased physically or mentally, never or only rarely finding what they think they want, and what they really need. I think for women, the important thing is to make sure they're not alone in life once they hit their mid 40's and beyond. There are exceptions, but, men and women need each other, no matter how un-satisfied they are. Hell, nobody is ever truly satisfied with anything, it's our nature. Just have to take what you can get, some get luckier than others, but the luckiest, like Streisand sang, are people who need people. Those who claim they don't need a man or a woman are only lying to themselves.
So just be pretty sure that the one you choose is someone who you can keep happy enough to build nice life and memories during ages 25-45 so the later years aren't lonely ones. - Re: not sexually turned on by fiance #23955
16 y
3,272
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What do you mean when you say he "abused" you in the past?"
Remember sex is a learning process. And there'll very probably come a time when neither he nor you are capable of sex. Surely sex, important though it is, is only ONE element in marriage. If a marriage depends on sex to survive, it's not likely to last. - Re: not sexually turned on by fiance #94706
16 y
3,129
This is a reply to # 1,129,256He used to hit me when he was drunk, but that was 2 years ago and he hasnt done it in 2 years... of course there was emotional abuse, mental, verbal etc too when he would get mad and if it's understandable, there was forced sex... but like I said that was over 2 years ago...
- Re: not sexually turned on by fiance... #68716
16 y
3,306
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This is going to sound harsh, so be prepared.
Are you joking? Unless this former abuser sought help to break his abusive cycle (and, is continuing to work on it on a daily basis)through intense counseling and therapy, you're in for another ride on the Roller Coaster of Abuse. And, this time, you won't even see it coming - he'll have learned how to hide the red flags much better than he was once able. This time, you might pay for your choice with your life.
Most important in this situation is that you were his victim - YOU WERE HIS VICTIM - of rape, battery, and emotional abuse. Think about what you're doing, here! My God, but nobody needs a partner THAT bad to return to someone who perpetrated acts of violence and criminal behaviors upon you. If you have negative feelings about engaging in a sexual relationship (or, any other sort) with this man, LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS and RUN!
Just READ the results of this survey and click on the BLUE question marks on some of the questions. Then, make a decision based upon wisdom, strength, and understanding:
//www.curezone.org/faq/p/s.asp?a=25,1720,2956&s=58
I am confident with this view because I am a Survivor of domestic violence/abuse and have counseled many women with regard to their escape and Survival. Two years? Please...it takes many, many years of emotional work to break that cycle, forever. Even a committed couple who are determined to break the cycle must work together in counseling/therapy, improved communication, and anger management for the relationship to remain stable and healthy. This guy IS NOT HEALTHY, regardless of how he SEEMS right now.
My most sincere best wishes for you.
- Re: not sexually turned on by fiance... #68716
16 y
3,306
- First of all, popeJohn3rd
16 y
3,233
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You are still young and there is no rush. Why rush into something with someone you have reservations about. Sex is not going anywhere, it's been here forever. Why don't you do rewarding things for yourself like get a college degree, lose weight, volunteer to help homeless instead of worrying about a sex life with someone you have doubts about. You don't need to get married now. Why don't you wait until you get about 30. That way you will be mature enough to make obviously better decisions than what you have been making so far. - Re: not sexually turned on by fiance nutjob
16 y
3,178
This is a reply to # 1,129,256One thing in life you will never be able to do without severe consequences is to go against your gut feeling.Especially something as important and serious and life changing as marriage.
Whatever is an issue now will still be an issue when you get married.Plus many more responsabilities and stresses,babies to go with.It only gets more complicated!
And that goes for him as well.Life gets really hard and things are unpredictable and anyone who has a weekness for drugs or alcohol will always struggle with those issues, even with therapy!
I married very young i broke up with my H.S.sweetheart ,but had intentions on getting back together,BUT during the breakup i slept with someone and got pregnant!I thought that i was doing the right thing by getting married,BUT that was the beginning of my happy life as i knew it!I was married for 5 years to a man that was a compulisve liar,who was very abusive emotionally and physically.I had NO sexual desire for this guy at all.AND the sex was bsically either forced or i had to be drunk!I have PTSD as a result of this horrible marriage nightmare.I paid a huge price for the mistake i made.The last 18 years trying to raise my son with an abuser was HELL!But im happy to say my son turned 18 this year.Thank God!Dont make the same mistake i did.
Somethings in life are extemely important and one of them is either be with someone you love AND makes you happy OR be by yourself! Being in an unhappy marriage is the loneliest thing ive ever gone through.Good Luck!!!! SabrinaAdvertisement
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- Re: not sexually turned on by fiance #77290
16 y
3,104
This is a reply to # 1,129,256Awwwww, marry the guy anyway. Haven't you heard? Men are all the same. They can't make you happy no matter how hard they try, you'll be able to find obvious faults with this guy instead of inventing them. Men are dumb yet egotistical at the same time. They are dirty slobs that need a maid to take care of them. They drink too much, eat too much, are lazy, have no common sense, and have no idea how to please a woman.
Man are just an object to have, like a new outfit or hair color. Just another possession.
What difference does it make??? You'll fall for any guy that pushes you away and you won't like any guy that is nice to you. The old physical universe flows thing happening.
So marry the guy anyway, all men are the same.
Mne are good for two things...
1. Good for nothing.
2. No good
I know all this from firsthand experience. All I did is love them, listen to them, respect them and try to give them what they said they wanted. It didn't work. I'm on my fourth marriage. Of course they took a nice chunk of money with them when they left.
Women don't like nice guys, they think we're whimps. You say you want love, respect, romance and all that but if freely given that your reject it and take off with some other guy. Means nothing to you. You can change men like you change your hair color.
So marry the guy. Any other man you meet will dissapoint you eventually anyway. Give this guy a break and bless him with your pressence. Who knows, he might be rich someday.
At least what's wrong with him is obvious so you won't have to invent something down the road.Advertisement
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- Re: not sexually turned on by fiance telluride
16 y
4,171
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