Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It was kind of you to look back over my history so you could give me useful feedback.

I think I mentioned keeping myself attractive both to preempt the suggestions that this could be the source... and maybe to help remind myself that I'm attractive?

No, there are no kids. As for divorce, the answer is an easy no. If I knew that he was content with this and this is how it will be, I will trade a robust sex life for married life with him. There is no question. And there is lots of physical contact, loving gestures and shared laughter. I spent most of my 20's single, so I know what it's like on both sides of the fence. There's no chance I would end the relationship over this.

My frustration has gone down a good bit and I'd love to "get of the fence" and not worry about this anymore. My current concern is this: although he doesn't initiate sex, I think the problem may be rather a way he looks at it, a mental block of some type as opposed to a low sex drive. After all, we have at times in the past had very frequent sex. And when we bring up the subject, the one sentiment he will express is wanting more sex. He seems to be wanting me to do something, maybe to fix it? Or wanting me to come on to him, although that's not worked historically. Still, he has logic in his head talking him out of sex while saying he wants it.

So to my ocncern: if he really does want it, and possible evidence might be that he still masturbates or that we've had brief interludes of frequent sex while on vacation, then will this problem eventually lead to infidelity? Is he feeling a stifled sex drive while blocked mentally? He's in the Navy. He goes to places where he's surrounded by temptation. My circumstances are less exposed to temptation. I believe I'm strong enough, and there are no signs of weakening in my resolve to be faithful. However, with our sex life dwindling to next to nothing and us possibly being separated for a year or more soon, I worry that we're more vulnerable. Once infidelity is discovered, I believe the relationship will be over.

So... am I hyperventilating? Making up needless stress? I don't know. Should I just think "actions are stronger than words" and not believe his infrequent suggestions that he'd like more sex? I tend to believe what people say and am torn on this point.

Or perhaps I should no longer worry about it and decide if he wants to change it, or if it bothers him enough, he'll do something. He's on occasion asked why we don't have sex anymore. I don't know how to respond. I've said that he doesn't try and when I try, he turns me down. How does he ask me again months later? I could tell him when he really wants it, I know he'll come get it (it's rare but it's happened).

*sigh* So in the end, more sex would be great, but I'm over the need for it. In my mind this is the one potential threat to our marriage, and that has become my worry.

Everyone's marriage will come into a slump at some point of time, it's only natural. I bet even Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee had a few slumps every now and then. If this happens take the bull by the horns and get yourself one of these things that will really bring you back up to some good passion.



It works becuase it's different, a little naughty bringing you back to a simpler time before you were married and while you were courting. Enjoying the adult pleasures together is so much better then you standard ho-hum sex life. Another thing you can try is having sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom like the kitchen counter or living room.

I must admit, this part of the thread made me laugh.

Partner swapping... while I'd like to be open minded about any real solution, this is one I'm not willing to try. My sister tried it. She was very devoted to her family and doing fairly well overall but hinted at some issues in the bedroom (maybe I'm not alone after all, eh?). Whatever bit of discontent she had back then is now dwarfed by her post-divorce depression. Yeah, no thanks.

Motif, I can't help but be curious about your experience. I believe marriage can suck - thats why I was so damn picky. If the marriage sucked as well as the sex frequency, I'd be out, but in my case, it's a man and a marriage worth fighting for.

Yes, sex is not everything. There is much more that I get out of my marriage than that which is why it's worth it to me to try to figure this out. I want him, but I'd like to have the sex, too. Good sex with him is a million times better than a casual sex partner. Anywho, wish me luck. Better yet, wish me a breakthough back to mind-blowing sex!

If you have to ask, then there probably would not be a right answer for you.