great girl..why dont i like her anym... 
#18287
16 years ago
1,564
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About 4 months ago i met this girl...she is a bit older, about to be 29 and i am 24..no big deal..anyways..things started off good...she made my life seem better...i got so happy getting emails from her at work..i walked around with a noticeable smile on my face..we started having the greatest sex ive ever had...all the tell tale signs of falling in love...then as of a month ago i pretty much stopped having feelings for her...What happened a month ago??? That is what i need insight from any readers of this...About a month ago i went out with my friends...i told her i was and that i would call her on my way home..she went out with her friends, got a little buzz and started calling me..i didnt call her until i was on my way home but she was freaking out about why i didnt pick up my phone..asking me all sorts of Q's and basically lost it..I went to her place that night to try and calm her down but she just wouldnt..i left and she called me from 3am-10am when i finally woke up and picked up my phone...she called about 25 times that night and never even went to sleep..ever since that night she freaked out a couple of times and that is what i think is the reason i lost feelings..However i do not want to lose her...she is great(except for the occasional freakout)...she is healthy, exercises, would never cheat, she is a teacher...she has everything i could want..so why have i not fallen in love with her??This i also need some insight with..in all my past relationships i have been cheated on...they all lasted about 4 months and then they cheated...also my mom left when my parents split when i was 2(just threw that in to elaborate on my situation) so the thing that i am thinking is that i am not able to judge the love that i have for this girl because i have never had normal love from a girl not even my mother...for me the only way to gague the love i have for a girl is by how much i am hurting when they hurt me...i feel like since this girl hasnt hurt me and never will that i am not feeling those intense love feelings for her..the only times i have loved are all the times i was with a cheater...so now i feel like i am trying to push her away so that i can miss her so that i can feel like i like her again..i just told her that i need some time to figure this out but that is not fair to her...i want to love her..i want to want to spend every minute with her...but i dont...i dont really even listen when she talks to me...this is so unfair to her but i do not want to lose the only good girl i have ever been with...i feel like i should make an effort to be with her because she is such a good person but i also cant make myself fall in love with her...even though my mental constuct of love is totally fu$#ed...i so quickly fall in love with losers and just as quickly find faults in those that i should want to be with...any advice greatly appreciated...thankyou for reading
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- The short and the long of it Alikat
16 years ago
1,534
Google AdvertisementThis is a reply to # 670,381The short answer: you both have steep issues with lack of trust and that can be a breaker for any relationship.
On the more lengthy perspective, it sounds like the betrayal and abandonment you experienced as a tender tot has left you without any adequate idea of what true love is all about. Children who are emotionally deprived often find that any attention is better than no attention at all. This dynamic has transferred into your adult life, so that you only "feel love" when you miss the person who's abandoned you. Doesn't this ring any bells for you?
Before you continue to get into more relationships of any kind, you really owe it to yourself to get into some intense kind of therapy which will help you to recognize your true feeelings, as well as define what love is and what it isn't.
At any rate, no matter how emotionally stable any individual happens to be, there is absolutely no way that someone can force themselves to love someone else. Even if we find someone who posesses all the fine qualities we are looking for in another, if a certain chemistry (which can not be so easily defined) is not there, then true love will not occur. For there to be a long lasting and mutually satisfying relationship, individuals in a partnership must be compatible physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Your friend seems to be much more prepared for an exclusive relationship than you at this point, although her persistence would be suffocating to just about anyone.
However, for some women having a partner that goes out frequently with his friends can be a threat, especially if they feel somewhat insecure with the realtionship. There is nothing intrinsically right or wrong with this, it's only a matter of whether there is mutual agreement on the issue. If there isn't, then there is bound to be ugly struggles between an increasingly suspicious person chasing an increasingly more distant mate. Bad formula.
I think you ought to give yourself more time to get your own emotional picture clearer, before you continue on an inevitable pattern of continual hurts at both ends.
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- Re: The short and the long of it turkey60
16 years ago
1,416
Google AdvertisementThis is a reply to # 670,382Meeting the ideal partner to a certain extent is a myth. The pursuit of Mr or Mrs Perfect is a Hollywood Myth it allows us to think that someone will change us, rather than addressing our own issues, it also assumes we have no issues that need dealing with.
Until we can love ourselves we cannot love another.
We can need someone because that is child like and for the vast majority this is relationship we know so well because that is what we have grown up with, needy controlling parents grooming us emotionally to replicate what we know best.
Let s find a needy partner to control, playing approving/punishing games, and call it love.
Finding a partner is not necessarily an end in itself, it is part of life s journey of the discovery of oneself. Reltionships tell us more about ourselves than be would imagine. They can allow you the opportunity to work through issues thst you would never have thought existed. As we change internally, so we change the outside world, likewise our relationships will also change.
- Re: The short and the long of it #18287
16 years ago
1,306
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This is a reply to # 670,384Ah, I can see you predicament. I'd still go to some business assistance and tell them what happened to you. It certainly can't hurt. Maybe they can overlook your financial status with some back up, like from the shelters you were in. You'd be surprised at how open people can be from not only an abuse survivor, but a cancer survivor too.
Maybe it's time to look for a partner for the business, someone who would be willing to buy in. Elderly care is big big business right now. In fact, it's HUGE. I know there is a way to capitalize on this.
Maybe if you decided to sell your business, you could apply to run a home as a Director for someone else, and then eventually start another business later when you get on your feet, or when your son finishes college, which sounds like a priority for you. Then you wouldn't need to worry about a paycheck, or medical insurance or business insurance, which must be very high. Also, you would work hours, instead of all the time, and perhaps you might be able to keep your relationship. The man obviously feels like he isn't getting enough attention. MOST men are like this, so he's probably not so abnormal, so we should give him the benefit of the doubt. Men want you there, and they want to sleep with you too. It makes them feel secure. (Sorry if I am being too general, I know all men are not like this....but in my 50 years, I'd say a vast majority are)
You are in the perfect line of work....you have TONS of options. You need to start doing research and decide what direction you want to go in. Tons of options, really.
Start with the Small Business Administration. Set up an appointment and go talk to someone. You are the perfect candidate for them.
Good luck to you!!
- Re: The short and the long of it #18287
16 years ago
1,306
- Re: The short and the long of it turkey60
16 years ago
1,416
- Re: great girl..why dont i like her ... #62456
16 years ago
1,626
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This is a reply to # 670,381Many of us are denied `love ` from mother, that doesn t mean to say we don t have capability of loving or being loved. In fact the love we get can be beguiling in that it is branded as love but is very often need/control based. The motto is very often "Do as I tell you otherwise you won t be loved and in fact you ll be punished".
I think that your relationship with your mother is interesting and explains for me a great deal of how you will relate to women.
The foundations of how we relate to others principally in a marriage are sewn at a very age. The angst and mystery surrounding your feelings towards women is almost certainly associated with your very early feelings towards your mother. From 0 to 3 years form a critical period in the development of the child s emotional attachments and development, principally with mother. This I think would explain the push-pull relationship coupled with the cheating aspects the latter probably forms part of your inner angst. Were you not cheated of a mother s attention at such a tender age? Could there be anyone of anymore importance than her young son? Perhaps you can only think of women as cheaters because that is what your mother did at some level? Maybe you might even think of youself as undeserving/unloveable because of your mother s departure?
I suspect that these aspects lie close to surface and flare up it relationships.
The solution to all life s quanderies are within ourselves, address the misplaced or errant thoughts and the picture of oneself and the outside world changes.
- Re: great girl..why dont i like her ... Librastar70
16 years ago
1,518
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This is a reply to # 670,383Have you tried COMMUNICATING with the girl???????
Maybe, you both want two differnt things from a relationship??
Maybe, she has a similar or worse story than you do??
AS far a intense therapy for your own issues, that's a good idea. However, you can have a relationship and the girl too...
Keeping it simple... Have you told her anything that you have shared here with us???
Without communication all you have is the great sex!!!!!!!!
Good Luck, Keep us posted.
Love, Libra- Re: great girl..why dont i like her ... #62456
16 years ago
1,453
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This is a reply to # 670,387Life is about discovery of one s true self.
Most us end up in needy/control relationships smothering the uncomfortable aspects of life with the drama, addictions (eg. sex, drugs and rock n roll) and of course denial.
Everything on the outside is created from within, without emtional clearance/honesty (which this might be a step towards) making head or tail of what is going on in the outside world reinforces your internal belief structures, which were created in your early life.
Remember every relationship reflects part of you back at you, questioning how you feel is very important in learning more about yourself.- Re: great girl..why dont i like her ... #62456
16 years ago
1,404
This is a reply to # 670,390..Once you clear your unwanted emotional garbage you will meet others who have moved towards that state.
People reflect you
- Re: great girl..why dont i like her ... #62456
16 years ago
1,404
- Re: great girl..why dont i like her ... #62456
16 years ago
1,453
- Re: great girl..why dont i like her ... Librastar70
16 years ago
1,518
- Re: great girl..why dont i like her ... sofia
16 years ago
1,258
This is a reply to # 670,381Well, contrarily to all others, I find it very understandable that you didn't fall in love with this girl. The scene she made you was a very classic, like test number 1: let's go out on my own and see if she freaks out, if yes forget it.
- Re: great girl..why dont i like her ... Molly Bloom
16 years ago
1,369
This is a reply to # 670,389Sofia:
Exactly what I was thinking. As women, we know this problem. Some women are so insecure, he must be picking up on that vibration of 1) neediness or 2) jealousy. But she did have him running around all over the place, didn't she?
But calling all night? Yikes. That is one insecure lady. Sounds like the type that will take years to calm down, if at all.
Yep, it takes a woman to know a woman. I feel sorry for the men out there.
- Re: great girl..why dont i like her ... Molly Bloom
16 years ago
1,369
- wow... #18287
16 years ago
1,468
Google AdvertisementThis is a reply to # 670,381as for everyone and there therapy suggestions...i dont think so...ive been there done that..im degreed in psychology and stopped at my bachelors because of a lack on faith that it actually works...i found more help from the years ive been here at curezone and learning about fasting and cleanses and all the other great tools ive found here than any counceling will ever do...i find it odd that some people so quickly tell me that im creating this problem..interesting...they tell me that my internal is creating my external..and then suggest i seek therapy...sorta contradicting..im well aware of how my past may affect my present perspective...very aware...that consciousness allows me to make sure that im not creating the same dramas...the same day that i wrote my first post she was calling and calling and very upset because i asked for a few days to sort through my thoughts...she took it upon herself to show up unexpected, uninvited to my house...she had never been over before so had obviously followed me previously...she showed up trembling and crying..it was horrible...needless to say i had to end this...
- Re: wow... sofia
16 years ago
1,426
This is a reply to # 670,393...I think some people have been misguided by your "I'm desperate for some advice" title, which makes one think that when you wrote your post you were a bit out of center. Nothing strange, that type of girl can load you with tons of guilt, before your sanity comes back and you say: but, but, just a moment!
I'm happy for you that things have found a quick resolution, which is a blessing.
- Re: wow... sofia
16 years ago
1,426
- Re: great girl..why dont i like her ... #9215
16 years ago
1,278
This is a reply to # 670,381You answered your own question . . . "Why don't I like her anymore?" Because you don't like her anymore! You don't have to stay in a relationship, and lots of relationships go nowhere - they aren't all going to end in true love - in fact, very very few of them will. It's okay that you don't like her anymore, so move on and let her move on. Don't feel guilty about not liking her anymore and thinking you should just because she's a great person. I'm sure she is a wonderful person, but you're bored with the relationship and that's okay. You gave as much love as you could, and you may "love" this lady as another human being, but obviously you are not "in love" because if you were you would know it for sure. Don't be so hard on yourself, and I doubt if you need extensive counseling - it's okay for you to break off a relationship that you feel has run its course, and not feel guilty about it!
- The short and the long of it Alikat
16 years ago
1,534
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