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I feel depressed
 
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Published: 15 years ago
 

I feel depressed


I'm feeling more and more depressed as time goes on. It started back in September, September 14, 2007, when I found out that I have genital herpes. That really depressed me like crazy. I cried everyday, stop going to work, everything. I even got sick to my stomach and starting to throw up. I lied in my room damn near everyday crying wishing this was just a nightmare and I would wake up and everything will be ok. But I surely realized it wasn't a dream it was reality because I was having outbreaks that hurted really bad. I just couldn't believe what was happening. It was happening to me me I thought out of all people me. I'm a nice girl, didn't do nothing I wasn't suppose to, then one day I was happy, cheerful then it all turned around to crying all the time, sad, mad. Its crazy because people would never see me without a smile on my face. That was then and this is now. Friends and family would come to me and talk to me and make me feel a little better. Telling me to go get another opinion and that doesn't look like herpes. They would also say it's not that bad, you would not die from this. I took that into heavy consideration. Then got depressed again because the sore would leave and come back, and when they came back I got more depressed. And when I went to get the second opinion they said the same thing. And I got more depressed. I would sit in my room and cry, starting thinking about my future and cry, listen to songs and cry, get on the computer look up herpes and every time I would see the words "no cure", I would cry. I'm not gonna lie, I had sex with two people unprotected. One that I was messing with for the longest and the other who I just started to mess with. Then the hardest part was to tell them. I told one, and he said he went to the doctor and he tested negative. So I went with my first mind and told the one I was messing with for the longest, because I had a feeling in the back of my head he gave it to me. I told he and said he tested negative too. And my hearted just went into pieces. And all kinds of question went through my mind like ok both are saying they are negative, what if I had this for a long time without knowing it? What if somebody is lying to me? What if they do got it I spread it to them? Then shit got crazy because things came in my head like what about my future well my love life? Who is gonna want to be with me if they know I have this? I want kids, how am I gonna have kids? I got more depressed. Shit was not going my way. I'm thinking like what did I do to deserve this? Asking God why, why me? Then I got a number from a friend to a STD hotline. I asked questions and they answered and I was feeling better. Then one person on the hotline told me to think of it like this, its just a skin disorder that comes every once in a while. All you have to do it take your medicine and have sex with condoms. Then I felt a lot better after that. I got back cheerful, start going back outside everything. Then, I was reading on the internet about herpes that people can still catch it because a condom only cover a certain part not all of it and you can spread it even if you don't have any symptoms. When I read that I got back to that state of mind. Because I don't want to spread it. To tell you the truth I don't mind that I have this I just don't wanna spread it to nobody or I don't want any symptoms. So yes I have to deal with this. And some people only get like 3 outbreaks a year, not me even though this new to me I have had 4 breakouts in 2 months and that shit is crazy. So now I have to live with this for the rest of my life. And on top of this, I have no job or no money. My job ended because it was only seasonal and my money been ran out. I have phone bills to pay, credit card bills, I owe the bank money. Shit is not going my way. Its seems like everything is turning for the worst. When I look back like 2 years ago, I had a car, job, and everything was ok. but now I'm 20 and shit is f**k up for real. Looking for a job, I applied to over 30 companies and nobody has called me yet. Who would have thought this would happen like this. In less than 2 months. Its crazy. Thank you for reading my story.
 

 
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