I have a very abrasive personality and have a confrontational nature.
It's just how I am..I have a hard time sharing positive feelings with others and the only way I can get to know people is through what I call 'reverse rapport'.It's this weird thing that I do,instead of trying to gain peoples approval and acceptance of me,I purposely push their buttons and get under their skin,both in subtle ways and direct ways..I find that though they may not like me initially,we do end up getting along because they eventually just accept me just as I am instead of icing on the cake,you know how most people are just polite and 'nice'..I am the opposite. Kinda like how opposites have a magnetic attraction,you touch someone at their core and eventhough it hurts at first and it really knocks them off balance emotionally..in the long run it develops a strong connection just as long as you avoid doing anything to truly hurt them..I am talking about just giving people a hard time,making them sweat a little lol.
There is this beautiful girl at work but I am at a lost of how to deal with the feelings that arises.My heart flutters when she is near and I get all cracked out..was going to just say 'hi' and introduce myself but I'd most likely just freak her out..I think she was expecting me to say something ,I think we both were but I just bailed and sat there.
I don't care..I am over it.It just means that I am not ready nor mature enough to allow anyone into my life personally..that's all.There will be many other beautiful girls in my future..what's one that I didn't talk to? I can just talk to her later lol. I just have a hard time accepting my feelings as they are without adding some sort of cosmic connection or inner meaning to every little thing that takes place..I am just deluding myself ,paralyzation through over-analyization.
Quite honestly I sometimes feel like I don't even care anymore..whatever whatever..
sometimes I just want to die alone and have people feel bad that they never had a chance to love or know me,don't know why but I feel that way.A way to punish people and the world for being so cruel to me in the past.
She is a very beautiful girl..not just in her looks but I can tell she is very sweet and strong emotionally,she deserves someone bold,confident and assertive..everything I am not yet pretend to be and project..too bad it's not enough to conquer my fears and insecurities long enough to squeek out a 'hi' or 'hello'..
oh wells..it just means that though there may be some sort of attraction between us..it just wasn't enough for things to progess.When thinking of approaching her,I felt fear more so then attraction..it must mean something.If I feel like i 'have to' say something,chances are it's either not the right time or it's just not right.Period..if I really liked someone I should want to talk to them,not push them away.
Okay,that's enough loathing for one day.