and thank you for much insight and wisdom.
i do get what you are saying about maturity levels,growing up and out of the state I am in.I have never always been this way..I was always a cute,inquisitive and fun loving young lad..though unfortunately I was never really given the love and type of attention I needed as a kid..I always craved affection and needed to be touched and held to feel loved but my parents were kinda cold.My mom was pretty moody ,snappy one second then loving the other.My dad..well..very stern,quiet silent type,very distant emotionally.
They loved me but got to me much more by hurting me by restraining their affections and attention to me..they provided for me yes,but I would give it all up for a hug or just to be held. I discovered p 0 r n o g r a p h y when I was real young and remember the enticement it brought about quit vividly..it's like I was completely entranced by the site of a naked woman.I was also molested by another boy when I was younger though I often wonder if it really was molestation or mutual curiosity and exploration...i liked it,it intrigued me and it still does.I lost my virginity when I was 14..she was 12 and we were in 'wuv'lol.My first real heartbreak and the one that oddly still plagues me is when I was 19,though there have been a string of others that have either let me down or hurt me since.I have been single now for 5 years since I was 22.
I am aware of my effect on people around me...some days I can lay it on real thick and get what I want out of people or i'll just put on a big wall between me and then and just sulk away..no one gets in,nothing gets out.When I am 'on' it's like I am the sun and all it's magnificent rays of light,bringing life to everything it touches and blossoms..when I am 'off' I am like a black cloud that devastates everything in it's path..like a plague leaving many victims during it's aftermath.
I have been hurt plenty but I don't dwell on that as much..
right now I am in what seems to be a perpetual state of 'blah'.The only thing that keeps me going is work,school coming up and more work after that.And a new car lol.
I really don't mind being alone..though often times I do intensely crave alot of affection and attention,not so much sex..maybe just a little reassurance,some nursing and maybe..just maybe..
I kinda wish I had a hug buddy..a girl that would shower me with love,affection and attention that I crave so terribly at times.I wouldn't even have sex with her..I'd actually care about her and return the same emotions and care that she is doing for me.In the end..all I want to be is love and to give love.Right now,you are right though..I have no idea what love means nor even aware of it's existence in my life except for in movies..maybe one day just not today and I am okay with that..