I just remembered something interesting..growing up,I used to turn to girls as a source of escape and affection whenever I would argue with my parents or have hard times in life.It started when I was real young actually with these two neighbor girls I used to play with,I was 10 at the time.Though in general I remember as young as 6 years old already developing crushes on my grade school teachers as well as having extremely vivid and alluring sexual thoughts and fantasies about them..yes,at 6 years old lol. I am not sure if being exposed to p 0 r n o g r a p h y at such a young age had something to do with it,not sure if I was the one that seeked it out or was is it 'it' that found me for being such a precocious child? I was a terribly sexually active child emotionally.
Anyways,in my pre-teens is when I began actively seeking out affection and experimenting with sex..it was so easy because in jr. high it seemed like girls were everywhere and also very willing to experiment.My first gf was 17 and I was 14..she wasn't all that hot but gave me all the love and attention in the world,I wasn't attracted to her at all so nothing really happened down there lol.I have had 2 pretty serious ones after that..and then began the really screwed up ones for the later years.
In the end though,the habit was just that..I seeked out affection and attention whenever I was frustrated or angry at my parents.Don't know what that has to do with anything but it plays a big role.
I have a hard time caring about someone and wanting to be with them just for them and who they are instead of just using them to fill a void,either of loneliness or insecurity.Not sure if it's co-dependency because I don't exactly treat them badly or abusive.I am not going to rationalize what I want or feel...I am lonely and I want to be with someone again...I am a loner by choice,I don't mind..but there are some things I still want in my life...