I have no idea how my avatar got there...I have never even seen that picture before :-)
"would it be wise to just wear my emotional states on my sleeve and just 'be genuine'..genuinely screwed up? or would I try my best to maybe not conceal these feelings but riding them out and trying my best to deal with them,maybe improve on them? is that fake? or is it improving myself to appear less vulnerable to the world?"
well, here you go. There is your problem. You worry too much about what you are from the outside. Dont bother "appearing vulnerable" or what is wise. Dont worry about conceiling feelings or improve them (who says which one should be improved anyway?). Again, you talk about how you want to not appear vulnerable but how you lay it all out on the table.....that doesnt really go together. Just be who you are.I dont mean it in an attacking way. You have a big contradiction in what you say and the ends dont fit together. Dont appear a certain way...it doesnt work and it will cost you so much life energy that it feel leave you feeling drained and depressed (from what I understand this might already be happening). Just get to the place inside that is home and let yourself be without rationalising how you are and who you are....you are good the way you are- no more, no less.