not so much about appearance but what is actually going on inside my head and heart,trying to make sense out of it all.I could give a rats ass fart what people think or feel about me but more so what I think and feel about myself..this has little or nothing to do with anyone else.I have a hard time ..used to..have a hard time accepting things for that they were,like I said I used to try and label,rationalize and compartmenalize every last thing..now I just go with the flow,try to at least and just roll with things.I lay it all out on the table,as conflicting,contradicting and opposing as subjects may be,it used to be real black and white with me,real cut and dry..one way or the other.
This is the first time I have dealt with issues directly..you have to understand this is only coming from a long long long long time of just shutting things out,the good and the bad..but nothing in between,nothing gets in,nothing gets out..
I have never talked about any of this stuff before,not since with my sister that was of no help at all lol.It's only made me close up evenmore so then ever before so that may explain why alot of what I say is contradicting..my moods,totally dictate my thoughts,actions,feelings...more so then others ..level headed people that is lol.
You think my posts are confusing..imagine how my head and heart feel like on a daily basis..some days it sucks,some days,it's good,some days I just want to end it all and just drink myself into an alchohal induced coma,waking up in my own piss and vomit..hows that for contradiction? I want help one second the other I'd rather sulk away the pain and just dwell in it and let it take over.
Pretty sure I am not ready for a relationship right now,nor friendship..pretty much sure at this point in time I am pretty much untouchable and closed off.