I was interested in your posts about narcissistic parents. I found them to be very helpful to me who has been in a life long trap with one, being my Mother, who was a control freak since I was born. She denied me of even knowing who and the what abouts about my real father. Then she married a man who spent his life defending her from me for even if I kept my mouth shut and was practically non existence that wasn't enough to stop her attacks against me. She even complained that I was like a little mouse. I started going crazy and went to a psychiatrist when I was 16 when I ran away and was made a ward of the court. After a short stay in the hospital (a psychiatric unit) I had to return home with them. My home life with them was very unlovable and she complained that I complained about the lack of love saying it was all in my fault and it was all in my head. Meanwhile she always put my very superficial step brother on a pedestal. She decide she didn't like his fiancee who is now a Doctor too so he moved in with a gay person and became convinced he was gay. She still puts him on a pedestal despite some of the most ugly things (sex orgy in my dead cousins bed room) that he did. She blamed my aunt for not telling her about it and said the most spitefull things about her. I told her she, the Aunt, should have called the cops on him. I've gone over board with Mom all these years seeking her approval and being a huge gift giver. She won't even acknowledge her grandson-my son. I've decided after this last visit to her home in Florida-I live in Italy with my husband and son to call it quits. She opened an account for inheritance money she planned to put on it then said while I was sleeping on the couch at three o'clock in the morning that it wasn't for my husband to use. He had been working in her garden and her renters garden under the hot sun, grocery shopping and cooking their meals with me as well for them. She showed no appreciation and wouldn't even give as a lift to the grocery store. We had to walk and carry the groceries home under the hot Florida sun.
I feel guilty because I've always loved her dearly despite herself and the child abuse I had to endure (her spitting in my face at bed time when I desperately longed for a hug) for no reason at age 8. Her telling me how horrible I am to expect and want more after "all" the material things she's done for me-next to nothing. The sad think about it is that I've always cared about this non existent relationship but she not only doesn't care about me she doesn't even care to know her own grandson who is now 27. I find it hard to believe that people can be so cruel and unloving to their own children. As far as she is concerned I was just a bad seed. So how does one pick up the pieces of a shattered heart and put them together to go on facing the world as if we were ever meant to be or of any worth at all? Who was I anyway?What does one do about the pain?