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Whats the best outcome here? -need some good advice
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Published: 14 years ago

Whats the best outcome here? -need some good advice

Ok, so I have been with my boyfriend about 9 months and have lived with him and his 4 year old son for four.
The last couple months at least have been nothing but fighting and problems.
In the beginning, I was madly in love with this man.
But we moved in together quite soon (we both desperately needed out of the situations we were in before, and had no other roomates or nowhere else to go so it seemed like a good idea at the time). We moved to a new city together. And we have a 9 month lease on our apartment together, which would be a big problem if we break up (stupid I know, but we found this apartment-a gorgeous apartment btw-and they didnt offer less leases, and of course, being so in love at the time you think nothing can go wrong).

Im not sure when things started going wrong. I guess the problem is me, Im just not happy in this situation.

First of all, I should point out that Ive never wanted kids, never been around kids much, (and as awful as it sounds, Im being honest) and never LIKED kids much. Its not that I hate kids, its just I dont really have any interest in being around them/doing stuff with them, its just not my thing. I dont take a lot of personal joy from it, maybe sometimes a little, but not like those motherly types of women who just ADORE kids and are so great with them, I just dont have that motherly type of instinct in me, I dont know why.

I dont personally dislike my boyfriends son in any way, (besides the fact that my boyfriend and his parents spoil him to the point it makes me ILL but thats not his fault), and for the most part, we get along. But sometimes its very hard. I cant take it when he disrespects me, when he misbehaves with me. It just makes me think more "this isnt what I want, I dont want to be a parent, I dont have the energy or desire to do this".

As dumb as it makes me sound, in the beginning, when we first moved, I didnt think I would have to "be a parent" at all..I figured Id just live with them, and we would all hang out but my boyfriend would have full responsibility over everything in his life. I didnt think Id have to watch him or do anything for him (Im dumb I know, but like I said, Ive never been around a kid in my life, I had no idea how they are or all they need). I also didnt count on the fact that the little boys mother basically is slowly wanting nothing to do with him...they used to share equel custody, now she only takes him on weekends (which are like my breathe a sigh of relief, only have some space time) NOW, she is making excuses already why she cant take him next weekend at all. I kinda count on that space to regain my sanity. SO Im a little stressed about not getting the break. And it makes me mad his own mother treats him like that. He tends to cling to me a lot also, its like he wants me to be his new mommy, and it hurts because I dont think Im the person to be that for him.

I feel this is breeding some sort of resentment in me. I basically feel suffocated by this situation. Me and my boyfriend fight over everything now, its misery. Its also harming his son, because we have fights that last all night (and he is just sitting alone in his room listening to it because he has no brothers or sisters to play with and is too little to go out and play with the neighborhood kids on his own).

The other big issue we have is just wanting different things. I still feel I am very young, and the reason I never wanted kids is because the things I want to do in my life involve not being tied down too much. Id like to travel, do volunteer work, see the world, find myself spiritually, all that sort of stuff.

My boyfriend says he cant do any of that because he has a child and he is basically just waiting for the day where I decide to leave them behind. He says this in a way that makes me feel guilty about my dreams. I dont see how he could want me to give up all my dreams, he has known about them as long as he has known me. He also has always known I dont believe in marriage (he does) and I dont want to have any kids of my own, etc.

There are other things that have happened that have made me very unhappy here as well, lots of little things. I wont go into them all here, but Ill just say there are a lot of things about the way my boyfriend lives his life which I didnt realize before, and are kind of a turn off for me.

I care about him deeply though..but right now its hard for me to know if Im "in love"
with him like I was. We used to laugh together constantly, but now it seems us being together brings nothing but stress, because we are so different and want different things. Not living together and just dating, everything was light hearted and fun, but being in this situation just highlights our differences and the fact that we want such different things out of life. I often feel like he should be with a woman who not only tolerates him having a child, but is INTERESTED, genuinly in that child and being a mom. I do have some amount of love for this kid, but I still dont enjoy being a caretaker for the most part. Its just not in my nature, although I AM trying. I just dont want to be like Im waiting for him to grow up so he will leave me alone.

And me, I feel like I would like to have someone who shares similar dreams, who wants to live a similar lifestyle (we have a lot of differences in that way too, they are very materialistic, Im very spiritual and want to live a life with only what I need, Im vegetarian/AR they are the biggest meat eaters, etc etc. I could go on and on). I dont expect everything to be the same but when what we fundamentally want out of life is so different....

We have 5 months or so left on the lease so I geuss we have some time to think about this. I just dont want to hurt this man, and I dont want to be hurt by having to choose between living the kind of life I want and being with him. I dont know, what do you think? If you see these types of differences early on, is it better to just cut your losses and go, or try and work it out when you DO have some areas compatibility (like I said, when things were not so bad, we enjoyed doing things together, like the same movies, music, we made each other laugh til we cried, etc etc.) I miss how it used to be.

I guess my main question is am I overthinking all of this? Are these valid concerns or am I trying to worry about the future too much? And as far as the kid thing, should I just try a little harder to bond with him and let him in, even if I feel like its just not in my nature to do so?

p.s. one more thing, Im having major difficulties with this caretaker role, because I DONT agree with the way my boyfriend raises his son. But because Im not the parent, I cant say anything much without it being a fight. Yet he wants me to be a parent when he needs me to watch him..get what Im saying? :( Its rough.

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