was it rape or submission? TRIGGERING INFO

TRIGGERING INFO INCLUDED- my story- please do not read this if it may upset you.

I would like to know which you all view this as- rape or submission? I have been swamped with flashbacks recently- so many I feel like I don't know if or how I will ever get through it. I feel scared going to my bed because I know I will flashback. I feel sad for my husband because all he sees of me now is traumatized me! I have to get through this, I just don't know how. I definitely have scary thoughts based on the following, but don't want to assign blame to someone else for my own decisions. I could have scary thoughts of something I did, without it having been rape. I have taken part in therapy and EMDR, but my husband is my greatest counselor.

My then friend told me that he knew all women fantasized about being raped. I was surprised and didn't say anything right off. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, he tied me up and raped me and it hurt. Then he untied me and said "see, I know what you women like. I take care of my friends." He held me and talked about what good friends we were. I didn't scream, I quit fighting fairly quickly, and I continued being friends with him, allowing the same type of thing to happen over and over.

Later, my then boyfriend wanted to have anal sex with me. I never told him no (or yes). I screamed in pain and he said he could see how much I liked it. He was a good guy, but seemed to misinterpret my painful screams as pleasure.

Later, my then husband would spend hours having anal sex with me, and I screamed the entire time out of pain, but he thought it was out of pleasure. I never told him no. He would force my head to give him blowjobs, but I never told him no. He said "Your husband wants you to give him a blowjob in a movie theater, with other people watching. The Bible says to submit to your husband. You are bound by the contract of holy matrimony. Do you want to make your man happy by honoring God? Or are you going to put your own needs above his so he's unsatisfied?" This reasoning got me to do almost anything he wanted. I held his penis while he peed, I allowed myself to be tied up and turned into a sex slave, I told him he was my master. I can't criminalize him; he loved me and did many nice things for me like hold me until I fell asleep. Plus, I never told him no.

I just wonder whether this qualifies as rape or submission. Knowing will help me research the right information and take the right healing path. I have been unsuccessful so far. Thank you! Tweet