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Am I a freak? (Long story, please bear with me!)
 
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Published: 14 years ago
 

Am I a freak? (Long story, please bear with me!)


So the title might sound a little outrageous, but hear me out.

I've recently become a part of a community (very similar to myspace & facebook) and I use it for quick messages to friends and mindless rambles. I put up a headshot so classmates can recognize me too and from then I've gotten in touch with a lot of people I lost contact with. All in all very nice.

Then, recently I was approached by a complete stranger who said he was drawn to my picture and interested in me because of the profile rambles I put up. I only knew him from TV (he's sort of semi-well known, presents some programs, radio, etc) but he seemed nice enough, so I replied and we started e-mailing.

His messages were always funny and kind and he actually seemed to read all the content of my messages (which a lot of guys just skim over. But hey, I don't blame them.)

So, after a month or so mailing back and forth, getting to know eachother a bit, he invites me to come visit him at his place.It was in the afternoon and I thought "what the heck, why not?" It had been his birthday a week ago, so I asked him what kind of present he'd like. "Massage oil with a massage from you." I'm not petty, so I said "as long it's not X-rated I'm fine with it." Besides, he made it seem like a joke, so I thought nothing more of it. Now I know I should've seen it coming.

So I went today and met up with him.

Only for it to turn out in a huge disappointment. At first, it seemed nice. We talked about the usual things, like hobbies, movies, music, etc until he veered the conversation towards the sex subject. I'm still a virgin at 20, but I'm not that easily shocked, so I decided to wait it out and see where he wanted to take it.

He started asking all kinds of personal questions, like if I'd ever "done it" and how old I was, etc. I told him (blushing) that I was like Madonna in the song, only for real. He kept on throwing questions at me, trying to gauge my reaction, see where I would draw the line. "What's your most intimate secret?" "Do you get horny from watching p 0 r n movies?" I'm too boring to have intimate secrets and p 0 r n movies would either make me laugh or feel awkward, so why go through the hassle when there are plenty of good comedies around?

Then, when I asked to go to the bathroom he 'conveniently' pushed the wrong button and all the lights went off. And then we were standing in the dark and he asked how I felt about that.

To be honest, I felt cornered and awkward. I barely knew this guy 3 hours and here I was in a bathroom in his house and in the dark. He's good looking, but I'm not that easy. He said he liked challenging girls, but by then I had decided I didn't like his challenges that much.

I put the lights back on, said I was quite self sufficient and closed the bathroom door. When I came out, he offered me a drink and the normal conversation started again.

Then he decided to take me up on that massage. I keep my promises, so I said I would do his shoulders and back and that would be the end of it.

And the questions and comments started again. "Wouldn't it be more fair if I'm not the only one shirtless?" "I prefer the Brazilian wax on girls, what do you have?" And he started drawing my hands to other more NC-17 rated places and that's when I drew the line. I was actually pissed. I know "boys will be boys" with all that testosterone raging, but is it too much to ask to have a normal first "date"?

An awkward half hour later I'd said goodbye and gone off home.

On the way home I've started wondering: is it weird for a 20 year old to be a virgin? He certainly thought so. He was also surprised when I confessed never really having had a boyfriend, only kissed about 5 guys during my "dazzling" social life. I simply don't want to get involved with someone unless I get to know him well and we have that "click". (In my opinion relationships only work when you're not just lovers, but best friends as well.) I don't ask that much of a guy, just some nice companionship and if we really like eachother I'm willing to take it further.

Am I overreacting and isn't sex such a big deal? Is it wrong to want to be able to look back on the first time and think back of it without it feeling like a really stupid mistake? All my friends talk about sex like any other hobby. It's normal to them and one of them has a new boyfriend every 2 weeks. I feel like an anomaly.
Was it childish to feel cornered in this situation?

Am I a freak?

(note: sorry my English isn't that good. It's not my first language)

EDIT: Totally forgot to mention. He is handicapped. He can stand and walk, but only for a short amount of time, because of an accident he's recently had. He's currently under supervision of a doctor to build his muscle back up because he's weakened a lot since recovery in the hospital. It was one of the reasons I wasn't afraid to go. I'm also black belt in karate and I do Krav Maga, so I know how to defend myself. (still I know better than to tempt fate)
 

 
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