Want to End it All
Today is the closest Iíve come to thoughts of carrying out suicide. In the past, in the midst of terrible episodes or incidences, the idea has crossed my mind. Itís as if, today, I realize that ending it all is the only way to be truly free of this affliction.
I donít know why God has chosen for this to be my cross to bearÖ..but the cross is much too heavy, I canít bear it. Iím sick of feeling ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, frustrated, confused, lost, left, alone. I hate that I have to pretend to act normally while all the while my mind and body are making me tense and nervous. Iím a good person, Iím a smart person, Iím a pretty person, Iím an outgoing person. How envious I am of those who donít have to deal with this! How does it feel to attend meetings, meet with people, participate in social functions and even do something as simple as sit next to someone without fear of Body Odor
? Things that seem so simple and second-nature would mean the world to me if I could just do it. Iím 29Ö.Iíd give up 20 years of my life to be able to live the next 40, odor-free. Iím married and have 4 children. I met my husband in junior high, Iím convinced heís smelled me, but he wonít admit it. My children have never told me directly that I smelled, but there have been times when they walked to an area I was in (one incident that stands out is I was nervous talking to my pastor and was pretty sure I smelled bad) and she said that it smelled bad. I donít want to be an embarrassment to my children. Theyíre 14, 10, 7 & 10 months. Though I know it will hurt them if I leave this world, I just donít have the strength to keep fighting this horrible fight.
Iíve suffered with this for 17 years. The past two months (when I started my new job) have been a nightmare. In the past, Iíve been ignorant to my odor (unless I got the right breeze of wind). Now, I clearly smell an egg odor at different intervals throughout the day. Taking Pepto Bismol worsens the problem, increasing it to the smell of a rotting carcass. I donít know how itís humanly possible to produce so much gas, but it doesnít help that I canít control when itís released. My body has become my prison. I left work early today. The only thing that brings me peace is the idea of seeing my children off to school and daycare, dropping my husband off at work and just sealing myself off in the garage to fall asleep away from this world. Iíve never felt this low beforeÖI always thought there was hopeÖIím tired of stinkingÖIím TIRED of it.