March 26th 2004 I was diagnosed with FMS, FMS is “Fibromyalgia” I already thought I had the symptoms from what other people who have FMS “Fibromyalgia” but now it is reality I know it is FMS. Actually I feel relived now that I know I am not crazy. I have had pain for a long time I just ignored it. I thought I was going nuts I hurt all the time and it would trade places. I thought what the heck is going on, I cried all the time it was depressing. I would wake up in the middle of the night shaking and freaking out in my head thinking this is not real.
I did not have insurance and I thought the pain was from my weight because I am over weight. I also blamed my pain from being beaten for years from my ex husband. I left him in 1995, I believe it triggered FMS but I did not know what my pain was from for years until March of 2004.
In 1999 the pain got worse after having gallbladder surgery it seemed my whole body became in much more pain, each day I was feeling worse it seemed. I was put on state disability for one year in 1999 because of my knee and I was also on state disability in 1995 for my knee.
Now that I have a name for the pain I am relived to know it is not in my head. Many doctors do not believe in FMS. It is not easy to diagnose because there is not a blood tests and a doctor has to be well informed on FMS and study it.
Many times people with FMS are put to the way side, doctors ignore us. Doctors have to believe what we say about the pain because there are no tests to let us know we have FMS. Doctors treat us as if were making it up we are not, we live with pain daily. That is why it is so hard for people with FMS. Family, friends and even some doctor’s do not believe that were in as much pain as we say we are.
With my experience living with FMS it seems that FMS is just as sneaky as alcoholism is, it gets us when we least suspect it. Some times the pain seems to go away then in the next minute or few or hours or days or months and I heard even years it can feel it went away but then it comes back in full force.
We have feelings we are human some times it seems as though doctor’s for get we have feelings. They tend to think were imagining it, were not it is sad because they can’t see our pain and they have to trust what we say and many doctors don’t. I know many more doctors are starting to believe in FMS but some still don’t.
I was in denial about my pain for years and years I was in pain way before 1995 and I would just numb myself with alcohol and drugs run from myself. I would put a wall up and just ignore it as if it does not exist. I did that with my alcoholism, and drug addiction, I did that with the sexual abuse that happened to me in childhood. I would just not accept it and would continue to live in chaos from not accepting I needed help.
Since 1999 the pain got worse had to stop my career of waiting tables I called it a career because it was all that I knew I waited tables for 18 years in 1995 I had to stop I was on disability and did not work then when disability ran out I still stopped working went to school a little I have shared before in the other pages of this site. My pain would come and go I was at the ER three times in the year 2001 they said it was panic attacks now I know different it is the FMS. I have to be careful because when the chest hurts and goes down the arm it seems as if it’s a heart attack its not always but it could be so I have to really watch and not just use the FMS as the excuse because many people with FMS have had heart attacks and did not catch it in time because they thought it was FMS.
In 2001 I was going through a lot of stress with my son the stress made the panic attacks and the FMS was triggered from the stress. I did not know this at the time because I did not even hear of FMS and the doctor never said anything about FMS just said it’s the arthritis and my weight. I lost 60 pounds at that time by eating healthy no red meats no sugars all healthy and still was in pain but the weight helped myself esteem and having positive frame of mind helps to deal with pain. I gained that weight back and more when I was going through court when my son and mother took me to court. I admit I used food like a drug and just accepted myself fat.
Than as time went on the more pain I was experiencing I got sick and tired of it and since I don’t have insurance I searched all over the net about FMS and food eating healthy. I found lots of information and started to change my eating that was in January 5th 2004 I have lost over 50 pounds eating helathy from this curzone site I read and got a eating plan. I now feel much more positive my self-esteem is better. My muscles still hurt the weight does not help the pain of FMS the weight just can make it easier because your carrying so much weight so it helps a little with standing on my feet, before I could not cook in the kitchen for long periods of time because of my back now I can stand fifteen minutes on my feet but then have to rest. So when making a big meal I have to do it little by little taking breaks. People tell me when I loose all my weight then the pain will go away.
The doctor say’s no it wont because FMS is a in the muscles not the joints. I don't belive doctors know everything but thank God they are their when we need them. FMS affects your whole body it feels like having the flu and it never goes away. I don’t sleep well at all I am up every 2 hours, some nights I cant get to sleep and I just stay up tell I conk out, I am not getting the rest I need, I loose the sleep that helps keep us healthy. Some times I take over the counter meds to help sleep since I do not have insurance to get other meds at this time.
I use to dance Ballet and Jazz it is not easy to accept this I use to be in shape and could do so much and now I feel like I am 80 years old in a 39-year-old body. It is not fair life is not always fair but this is the way it is. I have to accept it and go on with life make the best of it. We are not here for ever I may as well enjoy the life I have and be positive. Some days are better then others.
I am taking it a day at a time as I learned in the 12-step program with alcoholism and drug addiction. I now see what living in the moment means much more now. I enjoy the little things in life much more than before. Because from day to day I do not know what to expect some days I can walk better than others some days I can do more than others. Some days I can’t do anything but lie down and change positions from bed to the couch, to sitting at the computer. I sit with a heating pad on different places of my body for the pain. The heating pad became my best friend.
Since November 2003 I use a cane to walk with. In April of 2004 I received a wheel chair from a church that donates them to people who need them. It has not been easy to accept this, my ego and pride get in the way I have done a lot of crying over it but now I am accepting it much better. I do a lot of talking with God my way of praying is talking to God like I talk to people. I try to sit and be still to hear answers breath in and out to get through the pain when I am in flair ups with FMS.
Writing helps me to accept and deal with my emotions writing is a tool I use often. I belong to a wonderful group for sober members who deal with disabilities and many of them have FMS so it helps me see I am not alone. I know I am not alone. God is always with me, but some days it gets hard to accept what is happening and it is nice to share with others who are going through similar things we can love each other and share and put smiles on each other’s faces.
I am not taking any medications at this time, because I do not have any form of insurance, I paid a lot to see a specialist he was honest and he talked for over an hour with me, it was great to be treated with respect some of the other doctors I have seen did not give me the time of day. This specialist checked all the 18 points and explained to me what they mean he let me ask questions and listened to me.
Thank you for being here sorry the post is so long but I thought I would share my feelings with you I have been reading the posts on here you all give hope. Thank you.
I have a home page if anyone would like to visit I have not added a page on FMS yet I have one almost ready to add.
Thank you for being here...