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Please Help Me Get Through Days 1, 2, and 3 (and 4 and 5 but maybe after that I'll be Cured, Haha)
 
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Published: 12 years ago
 

Please Help Me Get Through Days 1, 2, and 3 (and 4 and 5 but maybe after that I'll be Cured, Haha)


I'm too scared and vulnerable to post under my real screen name yet, but lemme just say I am committed to fasting but it's something I have REALLY had to work at.

Edit note: I realize the title of this post doesn't SEEM particularly reflect its content. In the title I'm trying to mention my classic difficulty with fasting: only making it to about day 2,3 ish. I'm trying to propose a solution for this repeated problem -- that of some focused and fully-informed support... and that of MY doing the homework in advance, analyzing and posting about and anticipating the problem. In the rest of this post I am basically giving the background and reasons for my suffering this way. I know, I know, I need a fasting retreat and I am actually looking into one. But I still need to do the self-awareness work. So I have decided to try to find a way to post my way to self-understanding and successful fasting.

Further edit note: You can stop reading this post now if it looks too long for you!!! :) Best regards and peace.

So: I'm posting to report on my mental and emotional work to prepare for fasting. I want to say I appreciate having a place where people support each other in fasting!

I am too tired to tell my whole recent history right now but I'm really interested in getting into it at some point, especially the emotional learning I have to/have had to do, in order to fast. Learning how not to panic and eat when I feel bad. It's not so simple for me to learn this skill because of all the non-support I have been exposed to (after I learned to control my weight -- see below -- nobody took seriously the misery I still endure daily as I despairingly try not to binge, try to hold onto the tiny amount of [positive] control I have over the overeating. And people can be downright antagonistic when a person whom they label "thin" experiences the need to fast. Oh, there is so much more to tell there, but I guess I would rather try to do that later.)

I've been doing little short frequent fasts, like 30, 35 hours, for the past week or two.

I'm on all raw foods. Two months now. I have a background of a couple of years of raw foods followed by a terrible 4-month relapse this summer into processed foods. This is over, but, horribly enough, I can't say I have said my truly final farewell to non-raw foods QUITE yet. I fear people will think, on reading that, that I am posting totally prematurely, but I am really just trying to get into the world of fasting and the dialogue about it and the support for it. AND, truth be told, I really DO have the willingness to say that final final farewell very soon. Unfortunately this involves EATING this garbage for a final time and this is a really hurtful process but there it is. And it's confusing because for right NOW I am on relatively non-triggering raw foods. So my mind is planning compulsively a real relapse of some sort. This is really scary to me. But. again, there it is. I am not posting for advice or to be "corrected," just to report honestly on myself and understand myself. I am actually really proud of my progress away from emotional dependence on triggering foods.

Mainly I'm posting to get my toe into the pool. I am actually trying to make a life choice to be devoted to a regular, substantial fasting practice and living foods diet and am at a point of readiness to make a push forward with that. Actually, the "final, final" farewell to non-raw foods that I have just referred to is a major element of this push forward. I am actually ready for my life to change. I've been trying for this for many years.

I'm very conflicted about it, too, though -- I just want to keep myself safe by recognizing that. It's been a case of REALLY STRUGGLING for me to get committed to cleaning up my diet on a committed permanent (Life Choice) basis -- though I have, as I say, recently (just this week) come to the point of willingness to actually make the leap. --though, again, this will only take place after I go through this process I compulsively have to do of eating the bad foods temporarily for one final period. It is so horrible and scary to have to go through this process of relapse. I may sound overly anxious about food, but, as I say, food addiction is VERY real for some people and has taken my life away. (What do I mean exactly when I say that??? ... This is a sensitivity-exposing question. I am really fearful always that the misery and suffering I have endured will be dismissed... perhaps someone reading can understand)

One thing motivating me toward fasting is MY HEALTH. My liver especially is having problems that would be so, so resolved by a fast.

I know if I do heal my liver, my Depression will be resolved as well. This has been my experience with fasting. I've had brief, but utter, relief, from mental/emotional illness -- relapsed because I always relapsed to comfort eating.

But, I do not know how to explain it, you are just going to have to accept it, the awareness of my health issues just is not sufficient motivation for me to push away the food and fast right this instant. I am a hard-core, very sick food addict. Emotional issues come into play. And there are some circumstances in the progress of my food addiction that I am not going into just now (or -- edit note -- maybe I have ended up explaining after all! :P). Food addiction is real. It's not a condition that everyone can understand. ... That sounds like an excuse, and I'm glad sometimes to expose myself to myself in these little ways. Though I do want to have compassion for myself and validate my difficulties kicking the food -- not beat myself up about them. ... But the intent of this paragraph was actually to cry out the pain I am having with being unable to act in my own health interests. This is a real agony of addiction. I'm grateful for being in touch with the tears and sadness about this right now but it is really scary and I can only hope to be delivered.

I don't mean to be dire. I have total hope of healing through fasting (if I can find the inner life-positivity to actually give up the triggering food. And this is NOT a settled question, sadly.).

I am realistic also -- I realize that in order to avoid excruciating torture after fasting (which makes overeating INTOLERABLE physically though if you are not in a changed mindset you still crave it emotionally -- purer hell I can't imagine.) -- in order to avoid this utter torture and really make progress in my health and life I really have to GIVE UP the triggering foods and the getting high on food and the overeating and the going to food for comfort and the bingeing.... i take it as a positive sign , that I am approaching my fasting slowly. I am taking it as a sign of my having very good self-awareness and being really in touch with my own resistance.

BUT I don't want to go too slowly. I have a real health and life emergency. So I am starting to post here. ... I am devoted to Water Fasting in the Natural Hygiene style and so although I am not actually IN a long fast just yet I still feel it is valid I post because I think Natural Hygiene cultivates awareness of the whole process of a fast or a seeking of health; and includes in the fasting process all the preparation for the fast and all the post-fast process. ... i don't see a lot of discussion of preparation for fasting/mental preparation especially -- but I want to create that Science myself if I have to!

Please anyone write or email me. I'd love to be in touch. In the past I've been heavier than I desired and am thin now but I hesitate to say this as I SO DESPERATELY need to fast and sometimes encounter the fear attitudes that people have around thinness.

So, I may have developed workable-ish ways to control my weight, but I am NOT healed from the bacterial dysbiosis/toxicity that creates the compulsion to binge, so I am white-knuckling all the time. it's a miserable life. I know fasting will lift me out of this condition.... Anyway, all I can do is just say: this is my situation, and I hope to attract others in the same situation or who can empathize -- and I need to be respected in my dedication to fasting. I do emphasize in my post the terrible misery and compulsion of the eating-when-eating-is-not-okay-with-me, and i am sensitive to the fact that this emphasis can seem unbalanced if I am not overweight. HOWEVER, the misery of it is real. It is a misery of being forced to eat when eating just is not OK with you. This hurts and humiliates at any weight. Of course I am so grateful not to be heavier than i desire. And i empathize with the pain of that. But also I have EVERY OTHER overeating-related problem in the most horrible ways. The brain fog (from liver problems), the lethargy, the depression. And the proof that overeating is the root cause is: that I am always suffering most following a meal. ... I must request here please that people also not post back that I am having "deficiencies" or "malabsorption" because that feels very invalidating to me. No; the problem is that I am violating myself; I am eating in spite of eating not being OK with me; and after 30 plus years of experience, reading, soul-searching, writing, and research, I know that my health problems in fact stem NOT from my failing to down bottles of supplements or quantities of "nutritious" food -- but RATHER -- as many of the old-time fasting doctors observe repeatedly -- from my failing to push away the food when I have the intuition to push away the food. ... I feel the "malabsorption" and "Deficiencies" people are involved in a fear-based mindset, really a food-addicted mindset... I don't want to lengthen this already-epic post by going into that now. Please see Gabriel Cousens, MD on the neurotic fear of scarcity in our culture/neurotic fear of nutritional deficiency/ "malabsorption."

... So... I feel a need to be very defensive about my need to fast. I really emphasize the misery of the overeating therefore. As a human being I do deserve respect and to be accepted in doing as I determine I will do for my own body... but I do feel insecure about receiving that acceptance and respect. Phew! Well, it is just that I have just had some negative encounters in the past -- and it always bothers me not to mention this whole aspect of the problem on Support Forums because otherwise I never really trust others' support of me and I just feel not known and distant. ... so... anyway, hope to hear from anyone!

I am SO sorry this is so long. I just had to write a kind of self-(re-)introduction... the irony is, since I haven't QUITE unloaded fully about the people-not-respecting-my-urge-to-fast issues, I will probably end up writing at length again and again till it all comes out! Ha! Sorry again! ... Of course no one is under any obligation to read ... Please, anyone who identifies with me, feel URGED to email or whatever. The pro ana community or whatever. I find often a lot of support and understanding there. I'm scared to post that here but don't know what to say -- though I do affirm, to this forum, which may not have acceptance of that community, that my strength and HEALTH are truly my motivations and goals! Peace to all.
 

 
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