Within the past few years I've began to wonder if I was sexually abused as a child. I've read a few things on repressed memories, but I'm afraid of "conjuring" false ones.
I was a very sexual child, which i don't think is uncommon. I was hyper sexual though, obsessed with p 0 r n, masculinity, and voyeurism. I would be terrified to sleep, staring at my bedroom door for hours on end.
My family wasn't perfect, but far from dysfunctional. My father had quite a collection of p 0 r n, which i looked at frequently, although I can't remember the age where i first did. My father was very emotionally distant, but he never raised a hand to us.
In adulthood, I led a very promiscuous life (to put it mildly). I sought therapy for p 0 r n and sexual addictions, and a constant problem with intimacy. It's been the one thing that I have constantly struggled to control. All of my instincts tell me there's something bigger at the root of the problem.
Memories from my childhood are filled with gaps. I know that's not uncommon either. However, i have memories of intense fear in certain places. One day I was walking home from school. I was probably 8 or so. I have a vision of my neighborhood kids dancing around a huge pyre in the middle of a path, almost a pagan kind of ritual. People came looking for me because i wound up huddled in a thicket, terrified. There was no such bonfire or anything like my memory. I know it's not real, but i can see it as plain as day. That had never happened before or since, but i can still taste the terror i felt.
I also attended a church that would bus people in. They gave me Jello, that's the only thing i remember. However the church was shut down for sexually abusing children. I can't remember anything from the actual church, just the bus rides there.
I've read things online about signs that something may have happened, and i can check off quite a few of those. However, I just can't say. When people ask me if i had been abused, i always answer, "I just don't know."
I can't express how terrifying this is. It's odd though, I can't tell if i'm more terrified of finding out something happened, or having my brain conjure something from the ether.
Anyway, i don't know where to turn. I've gone through therapy, with moderate success. I would go again to dig deeper at this, but i guess I'm looking for feedback.
Any words of advice you all could give, would be very helpful.
Thank you for listening. :)