Hi, I guess I'm just going to keep replying to this thread and check in here daily. I had a really bad, horrible time this morning. The instant I woke up I had the compulsion to eat something. I was truly emotionally and mentally desperate. It's like: I feel sad, I feel bad, I'm scared to feel these ways, this is an emergency. ... This is the emotional experience I just about hate the most. It truly feels as though it is literally impossible to face my life. This is the pain I am dealing with. Loneliness, isolation, vulnerability, lack of a job/profession/expertise in anything, lack of purpose. All these things pushing and driving me so, so hard and intimidatingly and bullying-ly TOWARD THE FOOD. But I have not eaten. I'm determined to heal all these things in my life. Heal my defensiveness and pride and get engaged with some kind of work. I live on disability, and, at this point, that supposed safety net is literally killing me. I have to get off it. I know I'd feel different if I were in school, --less isolated and less without-purpose -- and I'm going to get back in school ASAP -- oh my god and write my screenplays and make my movies too -- but I am SO SCARED to do those things and so terrified to , I guess, expose myself?? Put myself out there???
Anyway, these are the issues I'm facing in my fast. Just the terrifying facts of my life -- isolated, lonely, scared, ashamed -- and how these issues seem to PUSH me into escape-eating. But I will not do it. I will not eat. Oh, this is going to be hard. But a long fast will also be so healing and so rewarding. This fast IS WHAT I NEED.
I really actually am going to enroll in an improv class within a community near me where I feel I could get genuinely creative... Can I afford it this month, I'm afraid maybe not. But I MUST do it next month. The improv would be the starting point , like from there I could maybe write and do standup and be working on my movies. ... I just have to say that thus far I haven't been doing any of this stuff -- haven't been doing any of the hard hard writing/creative/performing work or the vulnerable self-exposure. ... I've basically just been getting high on food every day... food is a drug addiction that is REAL but that people in our society just SO cruelly, relentlessly deny... in any case MY task is to FAST NOW, save my life, and keep the commitment I've made to myself to eat the strict raw diet I've designed for myself (over YEARS of research/figuring it out) post-fast. The BEST NEWS is that I WON'T eat today, that I have somehow fought my way through the depression/eating compulsion, and this fast is now under way. I've just completed hour 21.