Thank you so much for the reply! I have messaged you.
I am having an incredibly difficult time not letting myself just descend into the "comfort" of food. I have now reached hour 32/33 of the fast, though .
I need to do just as you say, breathe and remind myself of why I am doing this. Plenty of people have said those words to me previously, but for some reason when you said them I understood them a little bit more this time… I really never understand what people are talking about when they try to instruct me how to get through difficult periods… I really wish that the exact nature of my struggles were more understood and known... What exactly turns my mind into a monster? What makes me so happy and fulfilled one night thinking about a 40 day fast, and the next night makes me just feel like, "screw it. I'm getting food?"… I don't understand myself… I'm trying to so hard.
I really appreciated your telling me about getting through the days 1 to 4. I am just struggling so hard right now. Every so often I just get these food thoughts. Luckily, it seems to happen only so far when other people mention food. It's as though I wouldn't think about food if someone didn't mention it. I have been noticing this and it has seemed to make me able to push the food out of my mind. Other than that, my plans are just to listen to podcast after podcast after podcast and make myself feel as if I have people around me and people to talk to. Ive just been to a comedy show, and I was mocked and laughed at by one of the comedians. I felt really humiliated. I also felt guilty, because I felt as though I, as a depressed person, were making it difficult for the comedians to perform. I feel really bad about that and I felt really sad, because I really want to be a comedian and get up there and figure out how to coax people into having a good time. I feel so ashamed and guilty about my mental condition. I know that fasting will heal it…