The Bright Side is that you have learned about a good portion of the bullschiiiiddddttt that goes on and passes for, "reality."
You might not have learned that otherwise. Something to perhaps consider.
This is not to minimize or make jest of your situation. Far from that. I know that you suffer a great misery. Is it a, "club?" I don't know. But you are not the only one. For what that is worth.
With the clarity you know have, if you applied your mind to examining other facets, aspects, of, "Life As Most Know It," there may well be other revelations aside from those already gleaned in this Trial.
Expand that to looking at and behind Power Structures and the entire onion may well unravel before you. It most likely would. I mean, the whole enchilada. It seems from your posts that so much of the facade has already fallen away.
As for me, I have stopped praying for death.
Did a lot of that, but no more.
No. I pray for strength. To project through the talents and strengths that were and are God Given, to make a difference.
In fact, this has forced a refocus, an energizing, a bent on organizing, to, "get some things done."
I am moving away from the, "God has cursed me and does not love me."
To the, "Life is short, as a vapor passing by. Get Busy."
Why did it take, "this," to get there?
I don't know.
God doesn't think like I do, that's for sure.
But I am starting to see rhyme and reason in this.
Some may say I am suffering a cosmic version of the Stockholm Syndrome.
That may or may not be true, be accurate.
But this trouble has sure forced taking a look at priorities, goals.
Sifting the wheat from the chaff has been a good thing.
I would not have suspected this to be true going into this ride.
But so it has been.
Anyway, I do not know whether this has been a help or a hurt. I hope the former, if even in the smallest of ways.