HOW TO SURRENDER IF I AM AFRAID OF MYSELF? AND MY HEART IS PAINING. WHERE IS THE DOOR OF LOVE?
There is no "how" to surrender. If you understand the stupidity of the ego, the foolishness of the ego, if you understand the misery of the ego, you drop it. There is no "how." Just the very misery of it you look into it and you find it absolutely miserable, a hell -- you drop it.
You go on clinging to it because, still, you are cherishing a dream through it. You have not understood the misery of it; you are still hoping that there may be some treasure in it.
Watch deep in yourself. Don't ask how to drop it; just see how you are clinging to it. The clinging is the problem. If you don't cling to it, it drops on its own accord. And if you ask me how to drop it and you have not seen that you are clinging to it, I can give you a technique; you will cling to your ego and you will start clinging to the technique also. Because you have not understood the process of clinging.
I have heard an anecdote.
There was a professor of philosophy, a very absentminded man, as philosophers are, almost always tend to be -- absentminded. Not that they have attained to no-mind because their minds are occupied so much that they are absent from everywhere else. They are only in the heads. He mislaid everything. One day he returned home without his umbrella, and his wife tried to get some indication from him of where to look for it: "Tell me," she said, "precisely, when did you first miss it?"
-- Now this is a wrong question to ask to a man who is absentminded "Precisely, where did you miss it?" or "Where did you for this first time become aware that you are missing it?" This is a wrong question, because the person who has forgotten the umbrella, he must have forgotten by now precisely when --
"Tell me." she said. "precisely, when did you first miss it?" "My dear," he replied, "it was when I put my hand up to let it down after a short shower. Then I realized it is not there."
You are clinging, and you ask how to drop it. And the clinging mind will start clinging to the technique. Please, don't ask the "how"; rather, search with yourself -- why you are clinging. What has it given to you up to now, your ego? Has it given anything except promises? Has it fulfilled any promise ever? Are you going to be deceived by it forever and forever? Have you not been deceived by it enough by now? Are you still not contented? Are you still not aware that it is not leading you anywhere, just in a whirlpool you go round and round and round, hoping the same old dreams? Every time you get frustrated you don't see that from the very beginning the promise was false. The moment you get frustrated, again you start dreaming a new hope and The ego goes on promising you.
The ego is impotent. It can only promise; it can never deliver. Look into it. And on the way, between promise and no delivery, in between the two much suffering, much frustration, much misery.
The hell that you have heard about is not part of geography, it is not underneath earth. It is just underneath your ego. When you become aware of the misery of the ego, you don't cling, that's all. I don't say you drop you don't cling. Immediately surrender happens. Surrender is the absence of the ego.
But you never ask, "Why do I cling to the ego?" You ask. "How to surrender?" You ask a wrong question. And, then, there are a thousand and one things which people go on saying to you. Then you cling to them. You are clinging to so many so-called methods, techniques, philosophies, religions, churches. Just to drop one ego you have created three hundred religions in the world. Just to drop one small ego. And millions of techniques and methods, and thousands and thousands of books are being written continuously how to drop it. And the more you read, the more you become knowledgeable, the less is the possibility to drop it -- because now you have more to cling to. Now your ego is also so much more decorated....
I was reading the autobiography of a very well-known novelist.
Towards the end of his life he used to say to everybody and complain, "I wasted my life. I never wanted to be a novelist -- never." Somebody asked him, "Then why didn't you stop? Because for at least twenty years I have been listening to you, and I know people who say that they have been listening to your complaint even longer. Why didn't you stop?" He said. "How could I? Because by the time I realized that this is not my vocation, I had already become famous. By the time I realized that this is not my vocation, I was already a famous novelist."
You cannot drop the ego if you go on decorating it. Your knowledge decorates it. Your going to the church decorates it -- you become religious. Your reading the Bible every day, or the Geeta, or the Koran decorates it. You can look at others with the look "holier than you." You can look with a condemnation in your eye, that the whole world is going to the hell -- except for you.
You go on trying to become humble, to become simple, but deep down in your simplicity sits the ego, enthroned. And you go on finding rationalizations for it. All rationalizations are decorations.
In India there was one man, he died a few years before - Nizam of Hyderabad. He was the richest man in the whole world. Your Rockefellers and Fords are nothing. He was the richest man in the world. In fact nobody knows how much he had exactly because all his wealth consisted of millions of diamonds. In seven big halls the diamonds were put; the halls were completely full. Even he was not aware of the exact number. But the man was a great miser -- you cannot believe. You will simply say that I am lying. He was such a miser that when guests will come and they will leave their half cigarettes on the ashtray, he will collect them and smoke them. You will not believe me, but this is a truth.
When he became Nizam of Hyderabad, he was enthroned, he used the same cap for forty years. That was the dirtiest cap in the world. It was never washed because he was afraid it may be destroyed. He lived the life of a very poor man, but he used to say to his people. "I am a simple man. Maybe I am the richest man, but I live the life of a poor man." But he was not poor. He was simply a miser! He used to say that because he is not attached to things and worldly exhibitions, that's why he lives such a simple life. He used to think himself a sadhu, a fakir. He was not. He was the most miserly man ever, the richest and the most miserly. But for his miserliness, He will find rationalizations.
He was so afraid, so superstitious.... He used to pray and he used to pretend that he is a great prayer. But he was not; he was simply afraid. In the night he used to sleep with a peculiar thing. He had a big pot which he used to fill with salt, and in the pot he will put one of his feet -- the whole night. Because Mohammedans have an idea that if your feet are touching salt, ghosts cannot trouble you.
How can this man pray? One who is so afraid of ghosts, how can he love God? Because one who loves God, his fear disappears. But he deceived many people. Or, even if he didn't deceive many people, he deceived himself at least.
Remember, always start from the beginning. Look where you are clinging and why you are clinging. Don't ask for the "how" to surrender. Just watch and find out why you are clinging to the ego, why you are being stubborn.
If you still feel that the ego is going to deliver some heaven for you, then wait -- no need to surrender. If you feel that all promises are false and the ego is a deceiver, then what is the need to ask 'how to surrender?' Don't cling. In fact, once you know that this is fire, you drop it. It is not a question of not clinging. You simply drop it. When you come to know that your house is on fire, you don't ask anybody how to get out.
Once it happened:
I was staying in a house, and just in front of the house a house caught fire. It was a three-storied house, and one fat man who used to live on the third story was trying to jump from the window. The whole crowd was saying, "Don't jump! We are bringing a ladder!" But who listens when the house is on fire? He jumped. He could not even wait for the ladder. And there was no danger yet because the fire was just on the first story. To reach to the third it would have taken time, and the ladder was being brought, and the whole crowd was shouting at him, "Wait!!" But he couldn't listen. He jumped and broke his leg.
Later on I went to see him and I asked, "You did a miracle. You didn't ask how to jump. Have you ever jumped from three-story buildings before?" He said, "Never." "Have you ever practiced?" He said, "Never." "Any rehearsal?" He said, "What are you talking about! This is for the first time!" "Did you consult any book? You asked for a teacher? You inquired of somebody?" He said, "What are you talking about? I could not even wait for my wife to come, my children to come, and I couldn't even understand why the people were shouting so much. Only later on, when I was lying on the ground, then I could understand that they were bringing a ladder."
When the house is on fire you jump out of it. You don't ask the "how?" And I tell you, Your house is on fire. Immediately, you ask how to jump out of it. No, you have not understood the point. Still you don't feel that your house is on fire I say, so my saying creates in you an idea "how to jump out of it?" If really you understand that your house is on fire, even if I should. "I am bringing a ladder! Wait!", you are not going to wait. You will jump. You may even break your legs.
But at ease, comfortably, conveniently, you ask, "How to surrender?" There is no "how" to it. Just look at the misery that the ego creates. If you can feel it you will come out of it. Period.
"And my heart is paining." It is bound to be so. With the ego there is going to be much pain.
And you ask. "Where is the door of love?" Come out of the ego. There is the door of love. Come out of the ego, and there is the door of the heart. The ego prevents you from love, the ego prevents you from meditation, the ego prevents you from prayer, the ego prevents you from God, but still you go on listening to it. Then it is up to you.
This is your choice, remember. Nobody has forced you to listen to the ego. It is your choice. If you choose, it is okay. Then don't ask the "how." If you don't choose it, there is no need to ask the "how?".
Yoga: The Alpha and The Omega Vol. 7 Discourses on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali Talks given from 01/001/76 am to 10/01/76 am Chapter 2: The mind is very clever 2 January 1976 am in Buddha Hall