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Re: It's both of you (With corrections)
AnnaBanana Views: 1,039
Published: 17 years ago
This is a reply to # 532,581

Re: It's both of you (With corrections)

I TOTALLY GET WHERE YOU ARE!!!! My boyfriend is very similar to how you have described your husband. I too have had similar sexual problems.

I have a physiological analysis for you: Your husband WANTS to be MOTHERED! With the behavior you have described and his background I would say he felt inadequately mothered growing up and is now trying to fill that need with you. He may not even be conscious of this. His desire for sex after being mothered shows his longing for being nurtured.

My boyfriend was over mothered/enabled he is excruciatingly messy as well, and says he will "do it later" (which in his world is 2 months!) He leaves a layer of filth and is not embarrassed to invite others to our house, he however respects me enough that he will not bring others over until I get a chance to clean (he basically does not help clean though). However, when he has made up his mind or heart to do something he is devoted, and has a great deal of passion and energy for it.

Back to you :)- My suggestion is to sit down with him and tell him you are becoming something that you do not want to be, and you are going to be changing your behavior. (make it about you, men who want mothering will blank out at the "he has to change" bit) Tell him the way that you are mothering him is unhealthy for you. Tell him you are going to follow though with things that are important to you, and invite him to an adult healthy relationship. Tell him you will no longer be doing certain things for him (perhaps you should use a phase out approach so he does not fall back into unhealthy habits. Put it on paper, for example "week 1 you (he) start setting your own doctors appointments, week 2 ...) Put this paper on the refrigerator so that he is reminded that things are changing that he is responsible for him self. Make him aware of the process and get him involved/encouraged in growing up. AFTER you get him to be responsible for him self you will be able to get him to "care" about being responsible to the household. (Once he can hold him self up he will see and care about these other things). You must reinforce these changes with a healthy form of nurturing to take the place of the mothering.

Now this is VERY important, anything you say you are not going to do for him anymore (and please write it down so he knows it's coming and it's real) YOU MUST NOT DO!!!! Otherwise you WILL reinforce the mother pattern, and he will not learn responsibility. (now the exception to this is if it will endanger you,your child, or threatens his life not to do it.)

You need to be self sufficient for a while, be ready to follow through with things that are important to you. Like the holes in the attic. This threatens your child's safety. YOU need to fix that. Don't talk to him about it, just do it. Sometimes when men like that see action they are inspired to take action on other things.

Now a question for you, what do you think you are getting out of this situation? Some people feel loved/needed, others feel in-control. When you discover what's motivating you to act out that role will begin to change your part in it.

P.S. My boyfriend is NOT fixed, he has improved though. Not all men are like this. It is going to take some time to fix.

I did not want sex with my guy either until recently when we started communicating better - want to know how I did that? With child like love - When he called me from work I told him how much I missed him and love him. When he got home I responded with joy and oozy giddiness to see him. Then when he did something that REALLY bothered me I looked him in the eye and gently told him how that effected me. I let my feelings show, which caused him to have compassion, and he responded with care and maturity. You can't change him, but you can change you.

PPS. If you want to complain about your man -go for it. I have A LOT to complain about too ;) Relationships can be stressful, talking relieves stress:)

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