Re: HELP!! Women who sleep with married men.
I married a man would would drop his drawers in a heartbeat who wanted me because I wouldnt. I knew he had a high libido and we negotiated a lot before marriage and I kept him on a pretty short leash and satisfied too.
Aids and other sexually transmitted diseases also gave him pause but more than anything, we were friends and lovers and had a respect for each other. Every year for the first 15 years of marriage, I asked him on our anniversary if he had cheated on me and I believed him when he said no. I stopped asking and that in hindsight was a mistake. My husband was good looking and charming as all get out. He was a musician and radio announcer too so had groupies and any number of women who came looking for hugs from him. This never bothered me since I was secure in my relationship with him.
Then we discovered computers and while I used computers in a safe way and certainly not as a method to engage in sexual behavior, my husband chose to go places online I would not. This led to his developing fantasies which extended into his day to day life. I did not notice that he had opened up a secret P.O. Box or that he began to have more time away from our home and business. Each night he was home, hugging and kissing me and engaging in sexual behavior etc. The main sign was his staying up late to chat in chatrooms and that spiraled out of control until I locked the computer. We actually had one with a key!
I am an artist and so imagine my surprise when a friend of mine said she had visited a friend of hers who had a piece of my work in her house and when she commented that she knew me, the women, who I did not know, said she was having an affair with my husband but had found out he was cheating on her! My reaction to learning this was not good and I did not want to remain in the relationship. It was a knee-jerk reaction however since years have passed now and both of us realize what we lost and after the initial shock I realized that I would have been strong enough to forgive him and myself for the reaction. He had asked me too.
The other woman's husband was not so forgiving and she lost her house, kids...everything, since her husband had hired a private investigator and discovered her infidelities. So often I wanted to just go ring her doorbell and ask her the questions you are asking yourself and your proverbial "other woman". I finally even surrendered the need to know the answer since I realized there was no answer which would answer the real question which was why my husband had decided to share with another woman what I feel is the height of intimacy. Of course, I knew the answer but I wanted to *hear* it from my husband. He said, he was like a kid in a candy store. Most importantly, he said, with all sincerity, that he never intended to hurt me or for me to find out. He did not realize it would spiral out of control...
Of course, it was not love but lust which had fueled his desire, but still, it hurt like hell to feel betrayed. I realize now that he did love me but that he was having difficulty stifling desire that was aroused by his computing habit which turned to 900 numbers and enough videos to probably start a store! He was secretive and I never knew any of that until after the fact when I discovered thousands of dollars missing and the boxes of videos discovered by our employee where he hid them at our business.
The point being that if you can just allow yourself time to integrate and negotiate a new understanding in your relationship, healing will come and love will emerge...not the same as it was, but love for yourself & your partner all the same.
My husband, now my former husband, and I have a very good relationship now. I am not married to him but the love is still there and if he could forgive himself, we might even get back together down the road a way. I spent most of my life with him and I do miss the friendship and of course the closeness and intimacy.
Mostly, in forgiving my husband, even though we were not together, I did find feelings of empowerment. I felt fortunate that I was not the one who strayed, not that I would have, but that humans being human, things do happen which we are not always proud of. Being right about something does not help much if you destroy the foundations of everything you have. I feel worse about doing that than I did about my husband's infidelities. My decision to end the relationship after 22 years had a ripple effect and it affected much more than just our relationship...our business, our mutual friendships...of course the marriage/divorce and division of stuff...and the emotional welfare of our child. If I had it to do all over again, I would have put my child's needs over my need to be right and angry as heck. I would have worked it out....
Hope this gives you a little more motivation to hope that time will heal the anger and hurt you feel and that your husband will appreciate and use the second chance you are giving him!
I wish you well....