I am living with a man that I love dearly and we met thru an online personals. As we decided to see each other and later commit, I had assumed that since he asked me if I had taken my profile off that he was doing the same. He didn't.
We moved in together and 2 weeks later I still saw his profile as active. I asked him about it and he said he just forgot to take it off, he is always 'so busy'.
About 2 weeks after moving in and thinking we had made the commitment to each other to make this a relationship, i find that he was still talking to women from the site. He said he was only answering their IMs to him...but I also created a 'fake profile' which he went out of his way to initiate contact. He said it was all 'harmless' and I had blown it all out of proportion. He later said he has stopped and as far as I know he has.
The problem is when i confronted him on all this he outright lied to me, which I had caught with the 'fake' profile I started. This broke my trust of him completely. I have also caught him on some other lies and things that he failed to mention about his life.
Each time this happens it makes me feel that lack of trust again.
I want to believe he is trying, that he no longer lies and he is being honest.
Here is the problem. I find myself constantly 'wondering' what he is doing when he is at work. He says he is always at work, never has time to leave or carry on any 'outside' activities with another woman. Yet I find he can take off whenever he wants for appointments or errands or whatever. This goes against his insistence that he has no time at work to be seeing anyone else.
this is causing more and more problems with me everyday and he tells me that i am becoming crazy and he can't deal with my mistrust. I can't deal with it either. I try to tell him that I can't just trust him overnight again and that it will take time and reassurance on his part.
Some days he is very good at doing this and other days he just becomes really angry and tells me I have major insecurity problems. and he is right. I DO have these problems because of how the relationship started out on such footing.
My question is how can i talk to him in a non confrontational way that will allow him to understand my fears and issues? Some days I do feel like this is completely my problem and other days i feel angry because he initiated the behavior that brought me to this state of fear and uncertainty.
Every time I get insecure and afraid he tells me that is only going to push him further away, but I can't feel secure trusting him until I feel he is more commited to my feelings and needs. Of course when he says that my fears and lack of trust are going to push him away, THAT scares me too..because I take it as a threat..:-(
God I hope this makes sense. We are not young kids either, and I feel I am normally a very stable and secure woman. and i DID trust him 100% before the internet women thing came out...
Any advice would be really appreciated right now. Counselling is not an option for us as he is not the type of man that would go for that, but he seems willing to listen and try as long as i am being agreeable to his feelings and thoughts.
oh, the other problem that really escalated all this is the sex life...it is pretty much non existent on his part even though in the beginning he stated how he needed someone that was very sexual because he is...him not wanting to make love to me makes me feel as if I do not and cannot satisfy him which of course makes me feel he will just look for someone else...which of course he denies...there is really much more to this, but i don't want to write a book here...