Re: anger management issues
wow, long story there and many different issues. i wll try to give you perspective on the issues i see, maybe others can help out too.
first off you throw in the whole "he was molested by his brother" as an afterthought at the end. sister, that may be THE KEY, to the whole thing right there. people who were molested as children have very deep seated rage, that can erupt in unexpected way, i think its understandable. the thing is this - children who are molested are often confused by the experience, they don't know if its okay or not, and when the molestation is by a family member that confusion can be even more intense. so even thought they should be angry, they never really allow themselves to be angry because they just don't know how wrong it is. but somewhere ddep inside they are aware and they are angry. the anger just seethes and simmers and is never allowed a healthy release, so it comes out in unhealthy ways. he needs to honor his anger regarding the molestation. the angry wounded child is still in there somewhere and needs to come out and be healed.
THAT WAS WRONG DAMMIT!! he should allow himself to feel that, its okay, that a good thing. anger in and of itself is a good thing, its part of our self protection mechanism.
also if his brother did this to him chances are that someone did that to his brother, uncle? family friend? dad? someone else is involved, its a deeper issue i feel.
my point is very simple, until he resolves this issue in his head and heart his anger issues will ocntinue, and all the anger management coursese in the world will not change that. he needs to get some counseling, read a good book on the subject, etc. his bro is estranged? why? sounds like there is more to the story concerning his bro that hasn't surfaced.
now of course there are probably more things he is angry about like why was mommy or daddy getting plastered instead of taking care of me? abandonment issues are BIG BIG BIG with children of alcoholics. i am speaking of emotional abandonment, not necessarily physical abandonment, although sometimes both.
one more thing - stop this nonsense with the emotional blackmail "i'll kill myself if you don't do x or y" thats %¤#&!§-. don't allow that to continue. its manipulation of the highest order. sit down and talk to him when things are calm and you are not fighting. say "listen, when you get angry you say you will commit suicide if i don't do x or y. well from now on i will not respond to that. you can threaten all you want, i will do what i do. you are responsible for your own actions, i am not responsible for your actions or your life. please stop trying ot make me feel responsible for what you do."
i have noticed a big thing with addicts (don't exactly know why) is that they always try to make everything someone elses fault, nothing is there fault or their responsiblity.
the next time he threatens to commit sucide say, "well its your life, if you choose to do that it has nothing to do with what i am doing, it will be your choice. i love you and want you to keep living, but the choice is yours." end of converstaion. you two are involved in all kinds of weird emotional tug of wars and you have to start ending some of that. this is his ace in the hole and he knows it. putting your death squarely on the shoulders of someone else is just plain wrong, don't let it keep happening.
okay thats all. good luck and i will say a prayer for you. please remember that the Creator loves you and cares deeply for you and faith and love are free for the asking.