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Published: 17 years ago


I will try not to make this too long, I just would really like some advice. I have certain patterns that keep repeating in my relationships and I don't know why and I don't know what to do to break them.

When I start a relationship, it's always magical. For some reason it always happens in quite a whirlwind, and both me and the guy are always head over heels in love, crazy for each other, can't get enough of each other and ecstatically happy. It always happens very fast, with sex usually coming fairly early on because we just can't help ourselves. In the early stages of a relationship there is always a lot of sex, always very passionate, uninhibited and adventurous (I have shocked myself with how much so sometimes), and we always spend a lot of time together alone, getting to know each other, talking for hours, laughing, falling deeper and deeper in love. Saying 'I love you' always comes very quickly, although I am never the one to say it first. All of them say things like 'I feel I've known you all my life', 'You're like the female version of me', 'I've never felt this way about anyone before' (yes I'm aware that's a well used line but it always transpires that they did in fact mean it), 'That's the best sex I've ever had in my life'. I'm sorry if I sound arrogant, the point I'm trying to make is that, while I am well aware of my flaws, the men I have been involved with seem blind to them, or else they just don't mind. They always say I'm perfect (which I most definately am NOT. Having people thinking you're perfect is a double edged sword believe me).

After the glow, comes the insecurity. This is unearable, and it almost makes me lose my mind. It's on both sides too every time, so I'm jealous and possessive and suspicious all the time, and so is the guy. The result is that we spend almost all of our time together and get driven to distraction with fear when apart lest one or the other of us is unfaithful.
I cannot speak for how this has made my exes feel, but I can tell you it drives me almost insane. I constantly imagine scenarios, and start to distrust all females, which can and has included friends and relatives. It just seems like something happens to my brain and I become obsessive. I live in a constant state of fearing infidelity and expecting it. I know how harmful this is and I know that our thoughts and our expectations manifest our reality. This obsessive insecurity continues until the relationship ends, it never gets any easier or fades at all.

The next thing that happens is that I lose all interest in sex. Or physical contact of any kind. I have suffered from Depression and I know that can be a cause but this happens in each relationship at about the same stage so I know it's about something besides depression. It is usually when we have started to live together and to exist side by side. Sooner or later I start to feel trapped and to pick fault, to let myself get irritated and annoyed by the usual little habits, and issues like household duties and money start to piss me off. But mostly I start to feel like we have less than I thought in common, and that I have in fact made a terrible mistake, and that deep down maybe we are not meant to be together at all. I start to yearn for all the qualities that I see to be missing in each (all my exes have been quite different in a lot of ways but with key similarities). I always start to pine for a deeper connection, someone who is a real 'soul mate'.

I usually lose contact with my friends during relationships and I start to wish that I could have the good times back when I was free and single. I usually become depressed and restless, distant. Usually start to gain weight and be insecure about my appearance (although the guy never seems to lose interest, just gets frustrated and feels insferior because I don't want sex). I crave solitude, living with them gets too much for me and I just need my space, alone time.
In a nutshell, the grass just appears so much greener.
I always seem to forget that I was lonely and miserable when I was single, in between the good times. So far, the next step is me ending it. I have really hurt quite a few guys in this way, and I feel so guilty. I always just feel like I should be true to myself and not settle for something that does not fulfil me, so I end it.

This has happened with my three long term relationships (6 years, 2 years, 3 years)
I have lived with two exes and I am now living with my current boyfriend.
I have never been unfaithful, and that I am aware of, I have never been cheated on.
I have always been the one to end relationships, nobody has ever finished with me.
All of them still loved me right to the end and all were very hurt, sometimes devastated. They tend to become depressed, some threaten suicide, others beg my friends to talk me into taking them back. In short, it's always heartbreaking and messy. I am never single for long, I always seem to get involved with another guy right away.

And now I am having the same thing happen with my boyfriend of three years. He is wonderful, an amazing person who adores me. And I DO adore him - I genuinely love him deeply and could see myself growing old with him. I am still very attracted to him but my old thing of never wanting sex has shown up again, and he is SO understanding and patient, he loves me anyway. I couldn't bear to hurt him and so will probably stay with him.
But all of the old feelings and patterns are back and it's making me miserable. I feel I have grown but he has not and I'm restless again. I've isolated myself again and now I want to spread my wings and live life again.
It's not fair to him - I feel like such a bad, evil person that these guys have suffered because I don't know what I want. Sometimes I think I just don't do well in a relationship, that I am not cut out for them - and that I am doomed to keep hurting people and never knowing true contentment because my mind keeps playing these tricks on me. I always really, really love the guy at first.

I need to stop this and realise why it is that I do it - before I make another terrible mistake and hurt someone else.
I don't know anything about psychology or what causes patterns like this. I am sure it has something to do with my past or my childhood but I can't stop it from happening. I have seen counsellors and psychologists and they have been no help.

Does anybody know what causes patterns like these? And how I can stop it?

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