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Lost (Again)
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Published: 17 years ago

Lost (Again)


I feel compelled to type this yet I have no idea as to why. Perhaps something will come of it, perhaps not.

I must begin by saying that I have never been with anyone, have had no girlfriend, and never any desire to either. However, I began speaking with someone online, via a forum we both frequented, and over time we quickly realised that we both wanted the exact same things (which are rather obscure to say the least), felt the very same about so many matters and indeed, I believe, grew to care for each other a great deal. We live over three thousand miles apart, and although there is hope of someday being together, I remain realistic and realise that it may never be. The problem now is that I removed myself from our situation for some months, due to desperation, confusion, and an inability to deal with my feelings and uncertainties; and now, upon returning and explaining myself I am once again lost to myself in that I am entirely unsure of who I am. I experienced these feelings for almost two years, and although the first few weeks away were painful I eventually felt more at peace with myself and all things, and indeed felt better than I can ever recall feeling (within myself). Now, a few days after resuming contact, my head and heart are in a spin and I have no idea what to do or think.

I learned on returning that she had begun seeing someone local to her, although they only meet once every two weeks or so and spend their time walking the nearby foot-trails. She admitted that she had kissed him, which she says she regrets, and seems remorseful, yet she cannot decide how she feels about this fellow. She has admitted that she cares for him, but never saw any future for them and made this perfectly clear; furthermore, she admitted that she enjoyed the company and the intelligent conversation. What I find disturbing is that she says he reminds her of me a great deal, and I am left wondering if it is "me" she is drawn to or perhaps those with similar qualities.

As I said, I have no idea what I hope to achieve by posting this, and may well appear like a confused and desperate nutcase, but I feel compelled to write. I feel as if I have regressed once more to old feelings that I knew not how to deal with at the time, and now I am suffering from insomnia and an over-active, paranoid imagination full of cynical (realistic?) thoughts of the entire situation.

I genuinely cannot believe that I have allowed myself to become involved in this kind of situation. It may sound pretentious but I know that I am hugely above this, yet I cannot stop thinking that if she is utterly genuine in all she has said then it may well be the greatest thing that has ever happened to each of us.

When does hope become delusion, and forgiveness and compassion become idiocy? And is there any way to assuage the paranoid wonderings and arrive at a definite conclusion...?

I feel as if I should book into this Primal Scream therapy I have read about... ;)

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