I'm sorry to hear of so much struggle for you. However, it sounds to me as though you have great inner strength..and of course there is a higher authority 'in charge', and no doubt you are not meant to give up, nor to continue to weaken. Please (also) go to Ask Andreas, and to his website. (If the forum is closed, please persist) It might resonate with you, to contact him directly for a telephone reading. I believe him to be someone who can help you. Then, I'm sure, you'll be able to help yourself, as it seems clear you want to.