Please don't give up. Desperation is a wonderful place that comes exactly before BREAKTHRU!!! I know it doesn't feel like it, but please believe me because I have been there and it was right after many years of suffering and pain and immediately before I was HEALED 5 years ago!
Your suffering is NOT YOUR fault, and it does NOT COME FROM GOD. But ONLY God can heal you and it will be permanent and miraculous, I know this because I tried everything in this world to get well. Nothing else is a magic bullet. Perhaps nothing you have believed about God in the past has even been true, there is a lot of Blindness, Ignorance and Evil in this world, even in religious places. But he has great plans for you, not to leave you or to let you suffer indefinately, but plans to prosper you, to give you hope AND a FUTURE! Also He pays us back the years the Locusts have eaten from our lives.
Fear God only, and give your entire life to Him now, this minute and those of the rest of the day, let him guide you, look for His direction everywhere you go, everyone you talk to and everything. Ask Him, he has led you here and this is good!