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Is there any hope for a messed up relationship? Codependancy..emotional abuse, depression anger issues, etc. Anyone who knows of these issues can you help me?
 

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Published: 14 years ago
 

Is there any hope for a messed up relationship? Codependancy..emotional abuse, depression anger issues, etc. Anyone who knows of these issues can you help me?


There are so many problems...he is insecure and very unhappy with his life. This is something I cannot change. He has told me before he is very depressed...he doesnt really show it but there are obvious anger problems that only come out towards me.

We have these horrible fights, which obviously I have a part in as well, Im not saying Im perfect. These fights scare the hell out of me, he has never hit me but he screams and acts scary and makes me feel so horrible. He also has physically "intimidated" me on more than one occasion which is a little too close to physical abuse for me..(example..once he went nuts in the car when I was in the drivers seat and he was next to me-we were parked. He was slamming the dashboard and the steering wheel and hitting everything around me without hitting me, and then he kept lunging in my face and screaming at me when I flinched yelling "what the f*ck do you think I would hit you? is that what you think?!!!!!")

During these fights he makes me feel like Im the most horrible girlfriend on earth and I make him miserable and he doesnt even like me..he tells me SOOOOO much stuff that has destroyed my self esteem and its hard to even look at him after..my friends say this is emotional abuse and I kind of agree..it feels like this horrible cycle because then he will later say "No, I do like you, I love you, I just want to forget it happened." and he has told me Its not me thats messing up his life he is just depressed in general and he doesnt know why we have these fights, that Im not doing anything wrong. Ill always try to forget about it and then we will go along kinda ok for awhile..but there is always this underlying tension. Im afraid around him..its like everything is ok as long as I dont say the wrong thing and set him off...basically everything is fine as long as I watch myself..but God forbid I have a bad day..Im a girl..sometimes I get emotional..sometimes I get PMS..(and I dont mean like crazy emotional or anything, just your completely normal womanly touchiness here and there). Ive been through emotional problems and 6 years of therapy so trust me I KNOW when I AM acting nutty and I admit when I do so but I havent been.
It seems he finds something to dislike about me or be pissed off at me for all the time. Ive tried changing things to please him SO much but usually he wont directly tell me stuff he just says "the way you are PISSES ME OFF" or like the other day, he was acting really mean to me out of nowhere when we HAD been having a good day and I asked "why are you doing this? whats wrong?" and he said I cant ask him why is he doing this anymore because when I say that it makes him want to "flip this f**cking table over and walk out on you" (we had been eating dinner when this happened). I really dont understand what I say that deserves such a reaction.

The last fight we had was just so horrible. Screaming for hours...he called me a crazy bitch and walked out...I left...we screamed at each other on the phone for hours more and at one point he told me to commit suicide and I couldnt take it...had a total nervous breakdown. I cannot take it when someone I love tells me such horrible things...it took him an hour to call back and see if I was alive..which I was after hyperventilating and sobbing on my bathroom floor for an hour. At that point he broke up with me. BUT OF COURSE...he takes it all back later.

Im scared for myself. Im in this really scary cycle of emotional abuse and I feel I cannot get out of it. I DO love him very much, and I realize he has very serious problems. Its codependent in the way that every time I think I should leave he admits about his problems and says he needs me to help him. I havent seen him since that last fight (monday night), but we have talked on text, and he has said things like "Im more depressed than ever but now I have no one to lift me up". This makes me feel extremely guilty. He also ALWAYS does this thing where he basically rips me apart verbally, but the next day just says "he didnt mean it and wants to forget it, and its up to ME whether we stay together or not, he can get over it if I can".

He cant say these things to me, eroding my self worth, then the next day dump all of the responsibility for making the relationship work on ME. It makes me feel guilty and very confused.

Ive told him I cant do it anymore, but Im weakening. I miss him..and I worry for him...my friends all tell me that this is a cycle of emotional abuse and I HAVE to get out...but I dont know how...I am such a strong woman in my normal life and I dont know why I have this weakness when it comes to men or why I seem to attract these types-this is not my first relationship with this type of guy with these types of anger problems.

I keep telling myself..if I just didnt love him..I would leave so easy. But I see the look in his eyes when hes sorry afterwards...I KNOW in my heart he isnt a bad person but he needs help I dont know if he will ever get..I want to help him but after a year together and at least 6 months of these types of isses, I dont know if I can. Please dont respond to this with "just leave him" like so many people say to me because I cant. I feel responsible for him...like if I leave him he will get more depressed...I love him...if he was happy I would be happy with him..but his issues go so beyond me...and I have my own issues as well Im trying to deal with, getting my health together (I post here in the Health Forums a lot under a different username) and this isnt helping. I feel sick for days after these episodes.

Is there any way to work on issues such as this? Everyone tells me HE needs to work on them and Ive told him this but nothing ever happens...I want to go to therapy or something but I dont think we can really afford it...

And if you think I should leave...how? I just dont know how to walk away. I always make it a few days and then start missing him and then he calls saying he misses me and it starts all over...

Sorry that was so long..I probably sound really stupid. Thanks to anyone who reads it...even if you cant help its good to get all of that out...

I just dont know what to do. :(
 

 
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