Re: How do you tell a person they have NPD?
If I understand the situation that you're talking about correctly, there is a group of people that have narcissistic tendencies that are trying to get a grip on their narcissistic personalities (runaway temper, inflated ego, insecurities of fear and mistrust, judgementalism, naysayers/contrary, control freak, etc., all of these characteristics support each other and are inseperable, they are INTEGRAL evil).
Narcissists NEED (not simply WANT) to keep their "empire of evil" fully intact and they FEAR any intrusion, attack/destabilization against anything they think, do, or say. That's why they mistrust everything and must immediately attack any possible intrusion by always being a NAYSAYER and CONTRARY. They always need to be in complete CONTROL by being JUDGEMENTAL and evaluating everything (they criticize, mock, ridicule and belittle everything because they can't allow anything to be "OK", it threatens them, they MUST be naysayers and contrary, it's all defensive). They don't ask "innocent" questions, only busy body nosy "pointed" questions meant to discover the information they need for control. They would appreciate you standing up to them (they'll never tell you, their parents didn't do enough of "standing up to them", they are "spoiled brats" that were neglected of discipline), so they will appreciate being treated like a real human being (they will always admire you for that).
In my experience, the narcisstic personality includes just about every bad quality a human can have. I might have misjudged the situation you're talking about, or the narcissist personality hasn't fully developed yet (not until they find a "favorite"/pet victim). Narcissism is a function (compensation) of an injured conscience and an injured ego (neglected as a child causing egotistical insecurity/low self-esteem and burnt conscience because their everyday behavior is devious and diabolical, CAUTION). If they don't heal now, they will not just create misery for everybody else (and it will get much worse), they will ruin their lives (and not even recognize it because evil fits into their world). You can save their lives and the lives of everyone they will ever meet by confronting them with their NEED to address the situation without letting them get the wrong impression that you mean harm or OPPOSE them. They will always do whatever they can get away with and that is another reason why they ask "pointed" questions (to find out what they might be able to get away with).
Since they're in the habit of "playing dumb" (in the habit of not completing their thoughts), they actually have BECOME "dumb" (old habits die hard) and need to be confrontational, contentious and controversial in order to distract you from realizing that). So, you want to help them, know what you've gotten yourself into.
Only by MUTUAL and SOLID agreement can you help someone like this (and tremendous commitment on your part, but also theirs) and on a case by case basis (meaning it's not recommended for everyone), but if you feel up to it,...God bless you.
If you were to help such a person address their narcisstic tendencies, you would have to:
1) explain to them that you really do care,
2) explain that you now know the secrets of narcissism (since their "secrets" are now exposed, they can no longer be SNEAKY because you're onto them). They used to be "SMART AND CRAFTY" when their world was a secret, but can no longer hide it behind smiles meant to decieve.
3) Prove to them by telling them all of these secrets that you now understand because they (subconsciously) deliberately MAKE themselves [incredibly] stupid by believing that they should always "PLAY DUMB" in order to "get over".
Their favorite strategy is to CAUSE every discussion to become a heated arguement by stirring emotions and being vague in order to cause uncertainty by choosing their words carefully (strategically) and changing ISSUES in order to FRUSTRATE you that the conversation can no longer be productive and reasonable. They do this because they need to destabilize any possible attack/intrusion that threatens their world, but also because "evil" needs an atmosphere of chaos in order to be committed (consider evil an animal that needs to be fed). Evil (of any kind) cannot happen in an atmosphere of peace.
If you explain to them that now YOU KNOW these strategies and secrets, they should soon "give up" all their sneakiness (they will probably "test your commitment to them", the same as a "brat" tests and elicits their parents love, entertain those tests, but expose the fact to them that you are doing it so that THEY REALIZE they no longer have the refuge of "SECRETS" (very important). Ninety nine percent of the time, the ONLY reason EVER for "secrets" is to ENABLE some kind of evil (schemes NEED to be secret). Nothing is NAUGHTY, it's either right or wrong.
Be aware of SEMANTICS (word usage) because they will use ambiguous and vague words to confuse any situation.