Re: I'm not convinced that men & women...
It is not easy to convince someone of
something they do not believe...ggg...
the World is not flat, and yes, there
are millions of couples who do survive
intimacy and living in close proximity.
Expectations can be a real itch...whether
it is with a man or a woman. So often it
seems we are more forgiving with our own
gender and less so with the opposite.
I think it is cultural differences and
because of the role models which are
distorted in magazines, and media, that
we have lost touch with the simpler joy
of simply sharing the same space and being.
Surely, in some cultures I doubt I would
be tolerated because I would not like to
be sent to the "woman's table" to eat or to be
forced to wait on a man hand and foot. So
you can see that much of your disappointment
may be self-induced because of your expectations.
So, how to change your expectations??
Raising your awareness of where they come
from and where the person's expectations,
you wish to relate to, have originated.
Learning to negotiate is not easy, as evidenced
by negotiating with ourselves...you can see
where that dance can prove to be troublesome.
Lots of stepped on toes. It is often difficult
to please myself, so it can be challenging
to work hard at pleasing others...
Still, the joy of relating can be worth the
effort of burning off the dross of habits which
we find distressing in another. Some people are
more disciplined, and some less. Ideally, it
would be good to choose someone to partner with
who has some modicum of compatibility.
Then kick in the Golden Rule and you have a
chance of finding peace and joy with each other.
It reminds me of a story when I lived a year with
a guy, named Guy. We were housemates and for the
most part got along as long as I respected his
boundaries. He had an invisible line drawn down
the middle of the refrigerator and he was a
recycler extraordinaire and would watch for every
scrap of paper I tossed in the trash. If I hung
the cord on the vacuum cleaner wrong he would
fuss and cluck like a disgruntled hen.
I overlooked all these idosynchracies because in
truth, he was a fine man. One day, however, Guy had
a blow-out and decided that my taking a long bath each
night was costing too much money for heating the nightly
bath worth of water. So, the challenge was to negotiate
my way through the turbulence, and also to remind myself
of the things about Guy I found loveable and worthy of
my friendship. I assured him, that each night as I was
running my bath, I was not thinking, I sure hope this
pisses off Guy. Of course he was sitting in his room
hearing the water run and growing more angry with me.
He did not like to hear that this was his issue and that
it did not bother me, that it bothered him, but in the
end he did gain a better understanding of how he was
upsetting himself. He was also able to see there was
plenty of balance as he woke up at 4 in the morning to
lift weights and work out before work and that also
called for electrical use. The bottom line being, once
we released our expectations, we could find mutual peace.
Ha~! one other thing I know frustrated Guy was that I
burned candles every night, more than a few, and that
I was generating little aluminum cups for the trash irked
him. Unfortunately, we had to part ways when I had to go
out in the world on a mission...ggg...but when I left I
cleared everything out but left a bag hanging in the closet
which held every little aluminum candle cup I had ever
burned living with him. When telling me of finding the
bag, he was radiating with as much love as I have ever
seen in him...
We are still good friends and he has said that living
with me helped him realize how stodgy and "old" he had
become. He made choices to change his life and went on
to massage school and to pull even more people into his
When I think of what life would be like if I was always
just a visitor somewhere, it makes me sad. Many of the
opportunities to be kind and to learn tolerance and
perseverance would be lost if I only had to endure the
company of someone in a bad mood for an hour or so...ggg.
We all know the good times of friendship and love, but
it is being loving to your friend when they are falling
off the proverbial "wall" with a banged up nose and hurt
feelings from life's disappointments or circumstances
beyond their control...that make for bonding and learning
how to be...a spiritual being, having a human experience.
Call me idealistic, but I am not alone. It helps to realize
that men and women are different...as different as peaches
and bananas. If you can learn to appreciate the differences
and to nurture the good in each other, it can be rewarding.
Not an easy task, but neither is climbing a mountain, and
yet the view from up top will make the pains of the journey
Personally, I think that just as one might seek out information
on how to do other things in a successful way, like cooking
or gardening, that it helps to seek out information on how
others are being successful in relating to the gender which
they find attractive. I like men and have also found great
insight from others' experiences on how to discern the differences
men can pose so that they are not issues I use to bring distance
between us. Awareness is again key to navigating the waters
of friendship and intimacy. There are great books and other info
which offer many solutions to soften relationship speed bumps.
Of course not being afraid to relate to others, and not giving
up on your own potential to find lasting intimacy are behaviors
which will lead to success.
I have also had the blessing these past years of living
communally with a house full of people and so have learned
that eventually everyone will disappoint you, if you let them.
It really is up to us to shift and release those values which
stand between us and inner peace. It is just as valid for some
who crave solitude to find their peace there as for those of
us who like the company of others to crave it. I do think that
even the notion that it is right or normal to be one way or
the other is a myth and that ultimately it is owning our own
choices which will bring to fruition the fruits of our labor.
Don't stop looking for fun..ggg...
be happy, be well,