Date:   11/20/2007 3:43:28 PM ( 16 years ago ago)
Hits:   1,790
URL:   https://www.curezone.com/forums/fm.asp?i=1046763

hey, chrisb,

thanks for your message... I really appreciate your support... yeah, you could not have been aware of everything that went on because the monitor of the forum conducted a private email exchange with me in which she fired a lot of horrible misinformation about fasting at me and told me I was not allowed to post there any more in the way that was effective (and I thought not at all disrespectful) for me... I was just posting these sort of long honest detailed messages and I was healing from them and getting more fasting healing and success... until the day came when some people started getting controlling and taking it out on me because I would say at the top of my posts, "please do not respond to this post" ... this was a careful, considered move on my part... I KNEW from vast experience in groups, therapy, fasting etc. that I NEEDED the experience of just speaking without receiving a response.

You do NOT have to understand or validate this need; I know it is my valid need.

I was just going through a slow process of learning to fast more successfully and I was telling it like it was -- and a lot of people wrote to me expressing thanks for my honesty.

I do NOT think I was out of line in seeking fulfillment of this need (for not receiving reactions) in a support forum. I believe a forum can and should provide this kind of support. I was asking for support in the form of pure "witnessing." This is the appropriate form for me. I am not controlling anyone. People can still violate me and post back. I am just saying what I need and prefer.

But the reaction WAS also there, on the forum; and it was so insane. these people were acting like I was a criminal, or that I had actually silenced them (how?? I cannot control what they do!! They are perfectly free to post even if I say i don't prefer it!!! -- as they themselves demonstrated! That people are unable to make this leap of logic, and then have to slam me around, even "banish" me -- is incredibly frustrating to me. i was really traumatized. I felt I had found a safe place to tell about my process. I felt a real need for the forum. And suddenly I was told I was an outlaw and unacceptable.)

A lot of misinformation and false thinking about fasting was directed my way, which was also traumatic.

I know that the monitor has "edited" the record of this forum... she used to just go in and delete my posts... so it would not surprise me if she had also deleted all evidence of her own and others' nastiness. This may be why you did not see it.


... the result, with the screaming reactions of some members (talking about me in posts to each other, as if I were not present, etc.), and with the monitor's hypervigilance of me... sending me private warning emails every time I posted -- threatening to "banish" me from the forum -- was that I orchestrated, without consciously wanting to, a re-enactment of my trauma of exclusion and of being silenced and censored as I was working out important, vital problems for myself... I was told that my challenges were "unacceptable"... it was all based in the desire of others to control me and reject me. I was effectively silenced and stopped from expressing myself on the forum. I am really upset by this still. I had really made progress in my fasting life by posting to the forum and suddenly I was told that I was not allowed to speak. Not allowed to say the words that were honest and that it was so therapeutic for me to say. And misinformed fearful people deciding I was "in danger" ... what idiocy, in the first place; I from my reading and studies know they are just coming from a place of being controlling; of misinformation; and of food addiction ... still it was traumatic. Please, if you respond to this post, PLEASE do not start with words about "danger" or warnings. Please. I just about can't stand it any more. I really need above all to be trusted as an adult and respected as a human being. Not screamed warnings at. It is just so destructive. I just cannot take any more of that stuff. I really do not know how to deal with others' fearfulness/controlling attitudes.

... I do have a little trouble reading your message to me here since the ganging up was very clear to me and also to many others who wrote to me privately.

Though perhaps you only meant that you wished the forum to welcome me, which I appreciate.

Thanks again for your support,
Lauray
 

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