Re: Growing up with a narcissistic mother by want2beclean ..... Narcissism/Sociopathy Survivors Forum
Date: 12/20/2007 5:29:42 PM ( 15 years ago ago)
I have not talked to my narcissistic dad in over a year. He is getting on, and I know that our time is short, but I don't want to talk to him. I love him very much, and I still do feel extreme guilt for not talking to the Poor-old-man-who-won't-be-around-much-longer. Extreme guilt, which I try to push away, or down, but manifests in gallbladder problems, fairly heavy consumption of wine, and low-level depression. I have worked very hard to heal from him, I hate the guilt, because there is a healthy part of me that knows that I did not earn, but was taught, this sense of guilt. It was handed to me, and dad insisted I ake it, and incorporate it into my hard wiring. I am very proud of all my changes, but wish that I could be set free from the constant knowing that he is only 30 miles up the road, and I don't see or speak to him. As a girl, dad would ruin our holidays often by crying about the family he didn't see, or he would cry about what he could have been had he not stopped his playboy life in order to take us from my mother (kidnapping). My sis and I would do backflips at Xmas. Once I bought him an iron weight set and was too young to drive, so I borrowed a wagon and walked all the way to the store and toted the weights back. They were very heavy for a 13 year old to drag. We wrapped them in individual packages, and he guessed what they were before he opened them and then cried all day about the family. We felt like hell, I will tell you that. I learned my guilt there. Today it is knowing that he is alone while I am at my boyfriends familys' house. I do the best I can to "live with it" - I wonder how it ever COULD go completely away. I will feel relieved when he passes, I know it, but will I still carry the guilt, only this time it is because I feel guilty for feeling relieved?? Does anyone understand this, and can you tell me, if you overcame it, how you did it? I want that freedom. That is the one scary scary thing about trying to recover from the effects of being raised by an NPD - I fear that I am stuck with this "Lurking Presence" forever. It "LURKS"!! And I mean it, it stands in the corner and looks at me with accusing eyes, this Lurking Guilt, especially when I am enjoying myself. And no one knows it but me. It can stop me cold in the middle of a hearty laugh, it stares at me while I watch a sunset and breathe in gods' good air. I hate it. Because I am not free. I only experience brief moments of absolute freedom - when I do, I just expand and it is the most wonderful feeling, better than s*x, but it is brief. I think a person should be able to feel that feeling more. So how, friends??I am open, I have done so much work, can do more, am better than I ever was. Ant input is appreciated...merry christmas, curezone.
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