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Re: Musing some, about Forgiveness by #42781 ..... Relationship Support Forum

Date:   1/20/2006 3:28:43 AM ( 17 years ago ago)
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Hi Autumn,

It's the female side that forgives. That may help you understand what's going on a little better. Male side of our personalities is about hunting and gathering, about survival of our families and making sure our genes stay in the gene pool; it's about warriors in us.
Female side is all about deep, honest, not contaminated by reason - feelings, and feeling.

A comparison of the two:

If a someone bumped into you on the street, your male side is already drawing mental swords and ready to "kill". If it comes out that bump was accidental, male side figures "That person made a mistake, luckily it was not on purpose, so we can go our ways; but I should probably be more carefull just in case next time someone tries to hurt me."
Female side feels like this:
"Oh, what a bloody idiot! I HAVE to see his ugly face... Oh my God, the person is blind... how terrible, and here I was all angry at him... poor guy has more problems then just not bumping into people on a busy street... besides I never really payed attention to his white stick. I can only imagine how would it be if I was totaly blind and had to deal with egotistic individuals who just rush blindly even though they CAN see..."

It's about empathy. It's about putting yourself in that person's shoes and seeing things and FEELING things from his perspective, even if it's distorted. And imagining what it would take to have a person come up to that stage or that situation. Even if we were to learn of some serial killer, we can try and imagine what type of childhood that person had to become what they became. I usually tend to get this right. I see a bully, and I immediately see his father, huge and drunk, beating the crap out of his little son, just because he can. And yelling, and screaming, and little boy deciding "never again" and thinking that the best way not to be put down is to put down others (as no one ever put his father down!)... and become a bully. And then I find it easy to forgive. My troubles with him are nothing compared to his own troubles!
If done trully with all one's heart, the most important realization comes: that if we grew up in those same sircumstances, and had all the same influences, no one could swear that we wouldn't be exactly the same person, doing exactly those same things. If we were blind, we would be bumping into people on the street. And then you realize that that person has more problems then what you thought... beyond whatever hurt you had to suffer in their hands because of their shortcomings.
Then you remember that you too probably have similar problems. And just as a blind person cannot see that they are blind, most of us cannot see our blind spots. And all at once, the sentence from the Bible "Why do you observe the splinter in your brother's eye and never notice the log in our own?" makes sense, and makes you very humble.
And that makes it even easier to forgive. Only fools think that they've never hurt anyone, the way others have hurt them. Just as what others do to us seems perfectly OK to them, so things we do seem perfectly OK to us, but hurt others badly.

But before all that, make sure you stop in your tracks, remember those feelings from when you were hurt, and cry them out. The further back in the past they are (like from the childhood), the more powerfull they are, and more important also. Let that female in you come out through asking yourself "How do I FEEL about that?" and expressing that feeling - it may come out as anger at first, but if you let yourself express that anger physically (like hitting a pillow), the true sadness will follow. When that happens, cry it out all you can, and let that beautiful woman start breathing again! It is OK to let you feelings out!

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