”And a good man is something to hold onto, no matter the minor inconveniences” What constitutes a good man? The perception of the partner? His behaviour towards his family? It is difficult and like the curates egg - people can be good in parts. Interesting how far and what constitutes a minor inconvenience. Having a child? Trying to forget that the child exists? Respect for the other party? A woman I knew had a child and because she was married to an Erik she hid the child away pretending it did not exist, when friends came round the child would be hidden away, one day he tried ...
[retrieve this message]

---

I can t get the guy back for you but.. What you are going through is very important, grieve, cry, wail and be upset. It is important to let it out. Trying to communicate it s so frustrating when you you don t get back anything. Be upset (and possibly be angry), feel sorry for yourself I totally sympathize, but it is so important to go through this. It is part of understanding, in as much that others will not always think and see things the same way as you. A positive from all what you are doing through is that it may lead you to a study of relationships, and you may even stumble upo ...
[retrieve this message]

---

I believe it is time for Erik to grow up, he is behaving in a fearful childlike way wanting all of Sophie s attention, true love is accepting of all. Why are the women s fault? Both parents are the caretakers men have their role albeit at a later stage You write as if you view of the role of women in society as sacraficial to men! Men too have to balance their love. True love has understanding, honesty and freedom, Erik appears to run with the good times and when things don t go well sulks off, qualities I associate with the middle child when he doesn t get his way. The children ...
[retrieve this message]

---

Hi Sofia This seems like control, total smothering, total attention, all or nothing. This is selfish - childish and somewhat easy ”when mum is around” - but dislikes any competition. An individual who may have had an ”unsatisfactory” relationship with mother before the next sibling arrived. Control but not love. The best way to know someone is to know how they behave when things go wrong, the second best way is to find how their parents behaved when things go wrong. An example a colleague of mine - when things got very busy would hide in order to avoid possible conflict. One day ...
[retrieve this message]

---

” But the second one aplies to me - Unloveable is how I sometimes see myself... and so far all my love/sex relationships have been hampered by my inability to be loved, and yup, they all left. But it wasn’t that I was ”hurt” as much as just that I thought/think that I AM WRONG in even having a conflict with mother... if I have a conflict [with mom when nobody else does], I must be wrong, so therefore how can I be loved?..” You maybe carrying some of your mother s issues, but the point of reference is always important mother. For alot of us do as I tell you and then I ll love you is o ...
[retrieve this message]

---

Ok, do you accept yourself? When you can do that others who you relate to will do so also To deal with self esteem - you need to cleanse yourself of all issues relating to this issue, dating back to childhood. (perhaps beyond) Consider these issues as you were growing up, your parent s inputting and your behaviour. Start with looking back at the times when things, as a child were going wrong. How did the people around you behave when things weren t going well? Were you protected as a child? Chances are you might need to regress. Be emotional. Release these issues.   [End]
[retrieve this message]

---

It happens time and time again, it doesn t matter how successful you are, the emotional issues are the most likely to be overlooked, mainly because they are too painful to address. At the heart of this is an issue of self worth. Lesson one: you were married to an abuser. You ran away but did you address the issue of self worth? Lesson two; sacrificing your business for someone who again is mistreating you is again testing your self worth. Relationships help us learn about ourselves if we choose to do so.   [End]
[retrieve this message]

---

Well, I tried to talk of my mother with people of the family that I felt close, but it didn’t work well at all, because, even if conflicts with parents are the most common event on earth, there’s a sort of tabu around it that compells others to always speak not too sincere for the sake of reconciliation. They all get damn worried when you talk bad of your mother! so the general feeling is that they also don’t listen to you after all, they just get too nervous, they don’t want to enter some family telenovela with conflicts and declarations and taking parts of this and that. Unless your pare ...
[retrieve this message]

---

..Once you clear your unwanted emotional garbage you will meet others who have moved towards that state. People reflect you   [End]
[retrieve this message]

---

Life is about discovery of one s true self. Most us end up in needy/control relationships smothering the uncomfortable aspects of life with the drama, addictions (eg. sex, drugs and rock n roll) and of course denial. Everything on the outside is created from within, without emtional clearance/honesty (which this might be a step towards) making head or tail of what is going on in the outside world reinforces your internal belief structures, which were created in your early life. Remember every relationship reflects part of you back at you, questioning how you feel is very important ...
[retrieve this message]

---

Many of us are denied `love ` from mother, that doesn t mean to say we don t have capability of loving or being loved. In fact the love we get can be beguiling in that it is branded as love but is very often need/control based. The motto is very often ”Do as I tell you otherwise you won t be loved and in fact you ll be punished”. I think that your relationship with your mother is interesting and explains for me a great deal of how you will relate to women. The foundations of how we relate to others principally in a marriage are sewn at a very age. The angst and mystery surrounding y ...
[retrieve this message]

---

What you have discovered gives you the opportunity to move away from what is happening. The most effective way of changing, if you wish is to, is to change from within by noticing patterns of emotions and wanting to shift. Start by writing these down once you start you wont be able to stop and believe me you maybe on the brink of something big (which is why at one level you should be thankful to your mother for providing you with the necessary input to effect change) Once you start by unravelling these patterns and relationships and your feelings you will have the opportunity for comple ...
[retrieve this message]

---

Understanding is part of the key. Everything you do is right - their actions for instance are allowing you to examine your relationship with them, that is to cease to be angry and understand that what they have done is actually propelling you towards an understanding. It sounds very much that you are in the angry stage. If a dog is attacking you then you take what action you think is appropriate in order to survive. Trying to convince others that you are right is being drawn back into the drama. Try if you can to step away from what is happening think of it as an illusion. Recogniz ...
[retrieve this message]

---

Confrontation implies anger. When people behave badly, including being sarcastic, form of put down, they do it unconsciously, because this is an automatic learned experience cultivated through years of conditioning. They are in effect unconscious. As you become emotionally aware you realize that everything is right. Your discovery of self wouldn t have happened unless everything is as it is. So at one level you can be thankful. The path to emotional honesty inolves being and releasing anger, many sleepless nights were spent scribing my hates and then destroying the paper. If I felt a ...
[retrieve this message]

---

Make sure that you don t replicate what she is doing with your family and friends. In other words be aware if you find yourself behaving the way she is. I found myself being put down for years by my parents, so much so that no matter what anyone said to the contrary, I thought I was the problem and believed myself to be at fault. I then recreated the situation finding a wife that I could deride. Unpickling my friendships over my life I realize that I was puuting everyone down just like my parents did to me. (It transpired that both my parents were put down and criticised by their paren ...
[retrieve this message]

---

Is this statement ”nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with mother, this conflict is normal.” true? It might be interesting to say ”something wrong with me, something wrong with mother, conflict is normal if there is no love”. It depends what you want to believe. Where there is emotional suppression their is anger, which leads to distorted beliefs like fighting is normal, and in other situations self hurt and addictive behaviour. We all have a knack of seeing what we want to believe, everything can appear as ”normal” because wherever we look we see angry addictive or self hurting ...
[retrieve this message]

---

If you truly love yourself then the people who truly love themselves enter your life. Others may have their attractions but also carry problems. For most of us relationships are need based, where there is need there is some form of control. There is no one person out there who will necessarily change you, unless you are willing to change from within ie. question your values and beliefs (Yet some people will trigger this) In relationships your partner reflects back to you aspects of yourself that you are comfortable and uncomfortable with. Alot of time is spent deflecting and ducki ...
[retrieve this message]

---

Love yourself   [End]
[retrieve this message]

---

I prefer to follow Scott Peck on this ”The desire to love is not love itself....Love is an act of will - namely an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.” The Road Less Traveled p83 (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1978)   [End]
[retrieve this message]

---

When one party in a relationship is dependent/needy it can evoke a feeling of gratification/strength/power in the other, giving one a feeling of being wanted, this in turn adds distractive value which is confused with love. The main thing with a needy relationships is that the drama that is created is emotionally draining, seldom do you have time to think who you are, which allows it to serve its purpose. If you are able to see that you are being drawn into a needy relationship then this shows that you have some awareness on the issue (which is probably more that can be said of many ...
[retrieve this message]

---

The spirtual nature of these response has really made me want to tap into my spirtuality again. I think for a long time, I have been in such a race that I completely forgot to stop and take a look around.   [End]
[retrieve this message]

---

As children we often learn that the suppression of feelings and emotions is necessary in order to survive in a `loving` (aka controlling) enviroment. As we grow we find others who have also lived in such enviroments and life appears normal, supplemented with all the rich pageantry of societal distractions. If we become honest and aware we allow ourselves to re discover our true feelings and emotions, in other words to redefine ourselves and values. No one is to blame it is as it is. So everything is right, awareness and honesty are the keys, others help us to see ourselves and cle ...
[retrieve this message]

---

The key is how you treat yourself The fact you see where things are going in the past is enlightening. When you treat yourself better(ie love yourself) you will change your relationship behaviour. You will relate to people who also love themselves. Until you change that, the liklihood of similar relationships to the one that you have at the moment developing is high. In other words he reflects you, whether it is that man or another the key to change internally is to become aware. If he is helping you shift and become aware then that path is worth following. Whatever you do is ...
[retrieve this message]

---

The most important thing of all is to clear our inner pollutants - negativity in all its forms.   [End]
[retrieve this message]

---

Very often it is only when we allow ourselves to feel the pain of departure of a friend or a relative does the awareness and honesty appear. (Society and family life very often encourage us to mask or suppress these feelings and until you are ready this is a useful defence mechanism). When we are in a state of extreme emotional pain the opportunity is presented to activate our senses. Our emotions are awakening, we are becoming in touch with our real selves, we have the chance of become honest and truly aware of our emotions. We can then see what living is all about, finding the re ...
[retrieve this message]

---

Go for it You can t tell what may happen Every person you meet reflects part of you. The most important thing to remember is that life throws up lessons for all of us, some are never completed and others don t even recognize that they are learning. For instance some may need to learn about anger and it may take 25 years and half a dozen relationships and 2 or 3 kids to realize that they have been surrounding themselves with people who allow themselves to behave badly and get angry. If you were my child I would have said that if you feel happy deep down then those around you will b ...
[retrieve this message]

---

...”the greatest thing that has ever happened to each of us”. In truth very few people can bring happiness to one (hollywood myth) You can love someone and be truly happy only if you are happy within and love yourself. Others serve as a reflection to ourselves refecting back the qualities that we like and dislike about ourselves The person you have found miles away reflects you back to you, you are learning about your qualities from a distant quarter. Bizzare and weird this person is helping you see yourself, whether anything comes of it you are discovering you. The reason yo ...
[retrieve this message]

---

I agree in principle that it is frustrating if people behave in an ignorant way. The best way is to live by example don t try to control others as this can back fire. if people have a self worth problem, it is not your place to correct them. I agre key person is number one if you live by example then yhose who enter your life will probably look after themselves too. But there is a caveat.. Problems with self worth can also come to fore in the form of repressed anger, some may lead seemingly healthy lives but displace their anger by hurting others around them, a form of contr ...
[retrieve this message]

---

Helping others , cooking cleaning, washing etc for others is symbolic of avoiding helping yourself. (Most therapists find it easier to help others than helping or curing themselves). If you want to move things on in life look at yourself at all levels. In what ways can you help yourself. Helping others can be a way of avoiding yourself Solution address your issues then reconsider. Giving your attention and time away to others is a massive distraction. If this is what you want continue but be aware of the bigger picture.   [End]
[retrieve this message]

---

the little things mean alot they reflect your own self worth the men who are absent forgetful and emtionally withdrawn have had problems and are unable to come to terms with them they are in effect reliving an earlier reltionship possibly that they with a parent with you I speak from experience having been a bad behaver, in fact that quetion could have been asked of me 18 years ago I have now left the wife to allow her to find the real love and freedom she deserves. This is life where love becomes confused with need and control. One question I would of asked of myself (as if ...
[retrieve this message]

---

Hi Mel I ve moved away from my family and can sympathise with both sides. I once behaved like your partner and I know other guys who seemingly in control of their lives behave like kids when in a relationship. I used my wife as a surrogate mother. For her part she had no father as a role model. I learnt from father how to treat women. He essentialy behaved like a child and my mother being needy wanted him around because she thought she loved him. He bought her a car that he couldn t drive and regularly put her down in company, she loved him. This school of behaviour although not ...
[retrieve this message]

---

The hardest thing to do is to come to terms with the drama circle. Recognizing it is just part of the problem because unless we challenge the role of the media and our friends and family nothing changes, nothing changes. If one works with the premise that everything reflects you, then as soon as your values/beliefs change then your perceptions of life change. True values are introduced replacing triangle verbage. The process can take time and not all are ready to change. It is my belief that if we are kept needy by politicans, family members and society we will never examine ours ...
[retrieve this message]
[retrieve this message]
[retrieve the message]

---

This smacks of a fear/need based relationship. What to do? Most adult relationships mirror at some level the relationship we had with either mom or dad So this depends on how much introspection you want to do. My initial thoughts are that probably as a child you were denied (at some level) the right attention and this is reflected in jealousy. From what you say you give the impression of feeling threatened. (Maybe your parents gave more attention to the other siblings). To resolve this issue which I guess is being repeated with your boyfriend and the other women, is firstly to ...
[retrieve this message]

---

try this http://www.gerson.org/   [End]
[retrieve this message]

---

Excellent a degree of honesty about family life. Let me tell you about my dose of family life. I thought my family was normal hurting others(emotionally)was deemed to be normal, then eureka! I found it it was all garbish everything emotionally was biased towards the drama triangle of men behaving badly a fearful and unprotecting mother and me stuck in the middle practicing my family skills by hurting my brother. Normal life With hindsight the bravest thing was to leave. I tried several times but returned because I felt so insecure. I did leave eventually thinking I had escaped only ...
[retrieve this message]

---