Fiance wants to go racing 
#23817
19 y
1,939
I am about to marry a man in 5 months. Last week he told me he wants to start racing full time next year. He used to race when he was young professionally. When I met him, he had his own business and told me he had retired from racing in 1995. he is 46 now. He also told me his first marriage didn't last because his wife was always alone and ended up cheating on him while he was travelling around the country.
In the last few years, he has participated in 2 races just for old time's sake. Both times I felt very neglected. He didn't take my calls and even refused to see me for days on end. He seemed totally obsessed with it.
He said he wants to go back because he is feeling dead without that lifestyle. He is very busy with a new direction in his business, likes boating, has me, etc, but this doesn't seem to satisfy him.
He also told me his wife followed him to the races for 1 1/2 years. After that, seeing how boring it was for her and that she was just standing there while the guys talk engines, she stopped going.
I have been with him to racing events and all Ic an tell is that is a testosterone dominated environment with very little for a woman, unless she is a groupie or a rare enthusiast. It is noisy, smells like rubber and smoke, and you just stand there watching guys tampering with engines. I tried to put on a happy face and go with him but in reality I was bored stiff.
My dilemma is: he will be gone most weekends (4 to 5 days each race) the whole year. Either I follow him and give on my life, my friends and other activities just to be with him or I stay home alone.
If I stay home alone, I will resent being left alone so much. He will come back days later after having fun and partying while I will probably have spent my weekend alone (my friends are either married or dating). We will lead separate lives, have separate friends, have separate social circles. Not very conducive of a happy marriage.
I suggested to him maybe scaling down a bit; choosing fewer races a year, but he said he has to do the whole championship.
The other thing I am afraid of is real: if I am left alone weekend after weekend while he is in CA or Canada or the BAhamas, I will end up finding a new guy who wants to spend time with me. I am attractive and outgoing. I will end up going to parties alone in my city, meeting new people....and eventually cheating. I am not blind to that possibility.
So I feel guilty in asking him to give up something he used to do and loved to do. MAybe we are not fit for each other. Maybe he needs a woman who likes the racetracks too. Maybe he is being selfish and wants to distance himself from me. Maybe he is being selfish and wants me to give up everything for him (he has the money..). Maybe I am being selfish and want my man around.
Why can't he just paly golf with his buddies? Or football in the weekends. Something that takes an afternoon and not 4 days?
I just know how I feel. We have to pay attention to how we feel. And I am not feeling happy about this. The wedding is only in July so I have time to think.
Thanks for reading!
*Bush/Cheney, give me your experienced wisdom based on life experience on this!- Re: Fiance wants to go racing #14575
19 y
1,861
MoreThis is a reply to # 668,263This is hard one. I recommend to watch "Rock Star" movie and read "Alchemist" by Paolo Coelho.
I think you cannot destroy somebody dreams, because they will always blame you, on the other hand this kind of life is not easy. I'd postpone the wedding, give yourselves a year to see how it goes. - Re: Fiance wants to go racing Zackary5
19 y
1,672
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Sorry to hear of your difficulties.
It seems to me that this has already become an issue between the two of you. I can't see anything in your post that this will be less of an issue in the future - in fact, it will likely become more of one. From the tone of your message, it seems to me that you already know the wisest course of action. Trust your instincts but be open to working things out.
My advice (such as it may be) is to try to re-open the lines of communication. Be clear without being confrontational. Try to understand his viewpoint without dismissing it outright. Try to convey your own viewpoint and concerns without making him defensive. Very often such an expression may sound like an attack in a man's ears (even when it is not). Be aware of the same on your side. For this marriage to be a success, both of you will have to work for it and make compromises.
Do not despair, and take care of yourself,
Zach - Re: Fiance wants to go racing #37250
19 y
1,859
This is a reply to # 668,263This one doesn't take a rocket scientist nor Bush/Chaney:
FORGET IT!!!!- Re: Fiance wants to go racing Paulista
19 y
1,852
This is a reply to # 668,271Forget it, you mean, by letting him get back to this lifestyle he loves and exercise the patience of a saint, or forget HIM?
I am divided between feeling like a witch for preventing my future husband's dream or feeling like someone who is really worried about what kind of problems his decision will have for us.
I also worry about the danger involved. Just last year a veteran guy died to drag racing, the least dangerous of all. But when I mentioned the risk factor to my fiance he downplayed it, saying it is more dangerous to drive around the beltway here in DC.
Deep down I know he wants to be with the boys. He is that kind of guy. He's a man's man. He likes to be with me only to a certain extent. This is a way to get away from me, even though he told me I can come with him to all the races. That is good (if he said I couldn't come it would be a major red flag) but I know I will eventually get fed up with it.
I'll be damned if I do it, damned if I don't....lol
My dilemma is because this wedding is getting closer. I am not sure now it is a wise thing to do.
Part of my brain keeps telling me that I am the one who's being a selfish B is I ask him to not pursue his biggest passion, something he started doing when he was almost a kid, and something that he is very good at.
I think women who are married to pilots, war journalists, military and travelling salesmen are heroines.
Of course some of these women don't care about their mates anymore and want him away-so they can play, or they are too focused in their children (they live their children's lives-you see many mtohers like that) or in their own hobbies. They like to be alone. I like to be with my partner.
Is he just being selfish or is he going after his passion? Can someone be happy without their passion?
- Re: Fiance wants to go racing #21676
19 y
1,865
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I wish I could say something definitive like marry or ditch the guy, but sometimes you are screwed no matter what you do (or a better way of looking at it - fortunate no matter what you do). It's good that he has a passion, and it might be worse if he was around too much watching tv all day and getting on your nerves. A *lifelong* passion would be hard for him to give up. Is he supportive of your passions?
I think one of the worst health problems and worst ways to live is to go through life without a passion. Doesn't matter what it is - some people are passionate about the silliest (to me) things but the point is not what people are passionate about, it's that they have something (anything) that keeps their soul happy, outside of the relationship. I'm not talking about being passion about someone else - a soulmate or partner - I'm talking about a passion that is owned by someone no matter who he/she is with. Being only passionate about one's "soulmate" seems to cause bad relationships and puts too much stress on the partner - people need outlets outside of the relationship.
A lot of people stay at home watching tv and live vicariously through others because they haven't found or don't bother to pursue their true calling in life. Sounds like he has found his passion, although it also sounds like he has money and free time which is a huge advantage - not everyone can afford their true passion.
He will probably feel resentful if you make giving up racing a term of marriage, but that would be his choice and decision to make after you fully disclose your feelings about all these issues, before the wedding. Have a painful heart to heart, full disclosure talk with him. If you wait it will ultimately come up after the wedding, in a worse and less convenient way. You can ignore issues for so long but they will ultimately show themselves. Better now than later.
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I wish I could say something definitive like marry or ditch the guy, but sometimes you are screwed no matter what you do (or a better way of looking at it - happy and fortunate no matter what you do). It's good that he has a passion, and it might be worse if he was around too much watching tv all day and getting on your nerves. A *lifelong* passion would be hard for him to give up. I she supportive of your passions?
I think one of the worst health problems and worst ways to live is to go through life without a passion. Doesn't matter what it is - some people are passionate about the silliest (to me) things but the point is not what people are passionate about, it's that they have something (anything) that keeps their soul happy, outside of the relationship. I'm not talking about being passion about someone else - a soulmate or partner - I'm talking about a passion that is owned by someone no matter who he/she is with. Being only passionate about one's "soulmate" seems to cause bad relationships - people need outlets outside of the relationship.
A lot of people stay at home watching tv and live vicariously through others because they haven't found or don't bother to pursue their true calling in life. Sounds like he has found his passion, although it also sounds like he has money and free time which is a huge advantage - not everyone can afford their true passion.
He will probably feel resentful if you make giving up racing a term of marriage, but that would be his choice and decision to make after you fully disclose your feelings about all these issues, before the wedding. Have a painful heart to heart, full disclosure talk with him. If you wait it will ultimately come up after the wedding, in a worse and less convenient way. You can ignore issues for so long but they will ultimately show themselves. Better now than later.- Re: Fiance wants to go racing paulista
19 y
1,848
This is a reply to # 668,274I agree with the last message, and that is why it is so difficult. I do not want to avoid anyone form having a passion, but I am realistic enough to know what kind of problems it will create for us.
I don't want a passion for myself that consumes so much time. My passion were my children that I did a good job in raising and are now thriving. I am content in going to work, working out, meeting my friends, travelling for pleasure. I don't need to go scuba diving, jump from airplanes or any other different hobbies.
So like I said: I will be too alone and unhappy or I will live vicariously through him and his racing and also be unhappy.
I have talked sincerely to him about how I feel. He has been warned. I still hope he will decide to cut it short, do just a little of it to get his juices flowing but not so much that will destroy our relationship. Or even give up on it entirely.
I'll let everyone know next year!- Re: Fiance wants to go racing #29919
19 y
1,796
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I think he's given you a hint of how life with him is going to be by dicussing his former relationship with you. Are you ready to live like that?
I don't think you are being selfish necessarily. I think it is healthy that you are thinking long and hard and realize that it may be wise not to commit to the marriage. This is a huge change that will be your life should you choose to move forward with it. And once in it if you are not happy with the arrangements he will certainly be able to say that you were forewarned.
This may be a phase he is going through...to recapture his youth...but then it may not be. Were I you I would postpone the wedding and let him get into his passion and see if you are willing to sign up for it long term. His response will also tell you where you fit in on his priority list. You have real concerns here that an "oh honey don't worry" won't necessarily satisfy.
Take your time. It is YOUR life too and you need to be confident in your place in this arrangement.
- Re: Fiance wants to go racing #29919
19 y
1,796
- Re: Fiance wants to go racing paulista
19 y
1,848
- "I like to be with my partner"
StillSearching
19 y
1,865
This is a reply to # 668,273Paulista,
Your line "I like to be with my partner" says it all. You've raised kids and are ready for a mature relationship in which each of you have pleasures and take pleasure in each other's company.
Not a bad life. I suspect there are other men who would love a wife who wishes they had a passion for golf.
Your fiance seems to have other objectives.
I don't mean to be rude but...Why does he want to marry you now if he's planning to be away 4-5 days per week for a year?
* Does he want someone to take care of him if he is severely injured?
* Is he blowing his retirement savings on the racing game and counting on you to support him?
* Is he so self-centered that it hasn't occurred to him that it doesn't make sense?
Without destroying his fantasy or giving up your desires, can you imagine a life that makes sense for both of you? If so, is he willing to work with you to make it real? If not, say "I don't":
"I don't want to complicate my life with someone with whom I am unlikely to be happy."
"I don't want to expose my financial security to the chances of the race circuit."
"I don't want to be married to someone whose passion leads him away from me."
----------------------------------------------
Free advice means little unless one knows something about the giver:
I've been married for almost 20 years. I love and respect my husband, but we have a complicated relationship. I don't know if we'll be together for the next 20 years, but we have a center of gravity. He and I put issues in context -- we work together to make things work for all of us -- he, me and the kids. Not "Father Knows Best" but something that works for us, for now. The good news is that we all want to keep it working. The bad news is that it isn't easy.- Re: "I like to be with my partner"
Paulista
19 y
1,785
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Stillsearching:
Thanks for your words. In reality, he is starting a new business venture which will give him a lot of money. He will have more money than he can spend and racing will be his hobby to spend it on. So that is not an issue. The issue here is that I don't share his passion and know that in the long run I will resent it and it will bring us apart. I would be getting married just to get divorced later.
He doesn't want to compromise. It's "I will do what I want and you will not control me". No signs of love and consideratio to how I am feeling. I feel he wants to get away from me, really.
- Re: "I like to be with my partner"
Paulista
19 y
1,785
- Re: Fiance wants to go racing #21676
19 y
1,865
- Re: Fiance wants to go racing Paulista
19 y
1,852
- Re: Fiance wants to go racing dreamstudio
19 y
1,735
This is a reply to # 668,263Dear Scared 14, Take a breath and know that you are loved and loveable. You have had a great loss right now and you are wondering if your relationship can past the test of this breakdown. Your feels like he is being honest and honoring his own feelings. This is good. He is expressing what he needs to regain and build trust. YOu are lucky to be part of a large family of helpers here in the CureZone. You are not alone. Feel your feelings, and maybe if you are ready start to write. If feels like you need to look at the original distancing that caused you to look elsewhere. What were those feelings? That is something to write about. Your Beloved needs to express as well why he was distancing. Take a look at some of my poems on this site. They are words Men need to know and women want to hear.
Be well,
Your Enchanted Gardener
http://www.lesliegoldman.com/Worlds_Greatest_Lovers/index.htm- Re: Fiance wants to go racing dreamstudio
19 y
1,714
This is a reply to # 668,280Advertisement
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Dear Scared 14, Take a breath and know that you are loved and loveable. You have had a great loss right now and you are wondering if your relationship can past the test of this breakdown. Your feels like he is being honest and honoring his own feelings. This is good. He is expressing what he needs to regain and build trust. YOu are lucky to be part of a large family of helpers here in the CureZone. You are not alone. Feel your feelings, and maybe if you are ready start to write. If feels like you need to look at the original distancing that caused you to look elsewhere. What were those feelings? That is something to write about. Your Beloved needs to express as well why he was distancing. Take a look at some of my poems on this site. They are words Men need to know and women want to hear.
Be well,
Your Enchanted Gardener
http://www.lesliegoldman.com/Worlds_Greatest_Lovers/index.htm- Re: Fiance wants to go racing Paulista
19 y
1,792
This is a reply to # 668,281dreamstudio, are you racing now?
Do you have a GF?
If you do, does she enjoy it too or is she happy to be alone?
- Re: Fiance wants to go racing Paulista
19 y
1,792
- Re: Fiance wants to go racing dreamstudio
19 y
1,714
- you've reached the finish line with ... Bush/Cheney05
19 y
1,800
This is a reply to # 668,263You've taken the perfect opportunity to pull your car into the pits. Clear your mind while the crew is changing your tires, wiping down the windshield, and adjusting the struts. The final laps of your life are closing in. Do you get back out onto that track and spend your life going round and round, or do you take off your helmet, climb out of the car, and walk right out the exit ramp? I recommend the exit. Strong, confident, healthy women choose the exit every time a situation arises where you aren't #1 in his eyes. If he hasn't found the thrill of his life with you, and needs boyhood jollies to rev his engine...you deserve better! Make the decision for both of you. This isn't the one, trust me on this. A guy who chooses racing, or football, or poker, or anything other secondary fascination in life over a lovely honey by his side...doesn't deserve her. You think it's bad now!!?? Just look into my crystal ball five years from now when he's never around and you've lost all your friends, gained 45 pounds, and long for the next episode of Judge Joe Brown! Yeah, that's the future if you marry Mario Andretti here. End this...throw him your keys, get out of the car, and never look back. There's a great guy out there with only you in his sights. Put your fiance where he belongs...in the rearview mirror.
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You've taken the perfect opportunity to pull your car into the pits. Clear your mind while the crew is changing your tires, wiping down the windshild, and adjusting the struts. The final laps of your life are closing in. Do you get back out onto that track and spend your life going round and round, or do you take off your helmet, climb out of the car, and walk right out the exit ramp? I recommend the exit. Strong, confident, healthy women choose the exit every time a situation arises where you aren't #1 in his eyes. If he hasn't found the thrill of his life with you, and needs boyhood jollies to rev his engine...you deserve better! Make the decision for both of you. This isn't the one, trust me on this. A guy who chooses racing, or football, or poker, or anything other secondary fascination in life over a lovely honey by his side...doesn't deserve her. You think it's bad now!!?? Just look into my crystal ball five years from now when he's never around and you've lost all your friends, gained 45 pounds, and long for the next episode of Judge Joe Brown! Yeah, that's the future if you marry Mario Andretti here. End this...throw him your keys, get out of the car, and never look back. There's a great guy out there with only you in his sights. Put your fiance where he belongs...in the rearview mirror.- But what about racers that are marri... paulista
19 y
1,858
This is a reply to # 668,283Advertisement
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How do the women survive it? There are tons of married or committed racers. I would love to hear from other racer's wives. Too bad there is not support forum for them.
I would say they are either enthusiasts or like to stay home.
The fiance did agree in our last conversation to scale it down. I told him 4 big races (like the 24 hours of Daytona) would be all I could take. Let's see what happens.
Bush/Cheney, do you ahve any hobby your wife doesn't participate in?- Re: But what about racers that are m... Bush/Cheney05
19 y
1,734
This is a reply to # 668,295I have many, many hobbies...but none that take me away from my honey for prolonged periods of time. This racing career sounds extremely time-consuming and void of any interaction with the wife. She's left at home for weeks after week after week while he spends his nights with the guys in hotels? Problems...I see many a problem with that setup. Boys will be boys. Hobbies that put a marriage in jeopardy aren't worth continueing...hard to argue with that don't you think?
- Re: But what about racers that are m... Bush/Cheney05
19 y
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- Re: you've reached the finish line w... #29919
19 y
1,896
This is a reply to # 668,283So good to see you and your opinion Bush/Chaney...thought you were gone for good.
- Re: you've reached the finish line w... Bush/Cheney05
19 y
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- Re: you've reached the finish line w... #39824
19 y
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This is a reply to # 668,325Yea, I have been wondering what happened to you too...vacation? book deal? tired of disappearing posts? And the name change?
Missed you-glad you are back.- Update on 46 year old racer boy Paulista
19 y
1,897
This is a reply to # 668,363I brought up the subject again. He said he thought long and hard about it and that I will not control his life and prevent him from doing what gives him pleasure.
I told him I understand that, but that when you are in a relationship you value you think about the other person's needs too. I told him I am left alone all those weekends I will resent that and will end up finding another guy, because it is likely that I will get tired of spending all my friday and saturday nights watching TV alone. And if I join him in all those races, I will get tired of putting on a happy face and will be bored, being a burden for him.
So I asked him to consider scaling it down, just renting some drives to get his kicks and prove he is still good (which he is). That isn't enough for him.
Bottom line is, I am being honest with him. I am telling him how I feel before we get married. I don't want to get divorced a year later.
I know he is resenting me, and it is showing. He hasn't been very kind, kind of abrupt. I told him I would never jeopardize our relationship by deciding to take a full time hobby that would keep me away a lot from him or that he would have no interest in.
My relationship with him comes first, my work and hobbies come second. That is not the same with him. He is willing to do what he pleases, even if he's aware of the price I will have to pay.
I am starting to think there is no love here.
I don't want to be the big bad wolf that is going to make this man unhappy. I feel cheated though that he waited so many years to tell me that's what he wanted to do. Our interests are so different. I think he may find women who love the sport and are happy to accompany him, or women who are happy to stay home alone knitting...
I am sad, and I suggested we cancel our wedding plans. He hasn't responded yet. It is devastating for me and a separation at this point will be horrible financially for me, since we live together and own a house together. I live 5 minutes from my job and my teenage daughter is in HIgh School where she is thriving. it is an excellent school and I hate the idea of moving her. I cannot aford the house on my own.
But I would be dishonest to tell him I hate him racing all year long AFTER the wedding.
I could try to accomodate his dream, but to my expense. I am being a realist here: I know this would eventually be too heavy for me. I have no interest in the racing world. One thing is to go watch a race; another is to stay days at the racetrack in the middle of guys listening about engines all day. He needs to be single or find a woman who loves that stuff. Some groupie.
I am very sad. I am seeing no hope now.- cheer up, "big bad wolf", you made t... Bush/Cheney05
19 y
1,773
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You will feel like crap for a couple of months, that's the price you pay for love. The decision was correct. Dump him, don't let this linger on. You have to pay the price now in order to be willing and able to meet the next guy. Start the process now, you'll get back to your old self quicker. The next guy is waiting...somewhere in your life...he's there.
- cheer up, "big bad wolf", you made t... Bush/Cheney05
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- Update on 46 year old racer boy Paulista
19 y
1,897
- Re: you've reached the finish line w... #39824
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19 y
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19 y
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This is a reply to # 668,283I love your no non- sense posts.Making it sound so easy to walk away gives me courage. I did however find a flaw in your posts. Why does it seem that every guy is a loser? or immature? etc. Maybe this guy thinks his"boyhood" hobby is more than a hobby? I know how it is to have a passion that my other doesnt share.I do agree that she should be first, and that she should run for the exit. But she is lucky to have had this arise before a wedding. Just go a little easy on the loser name tags, its not really fair to deem EVERY flaw a green light to run =)
- But what about racers that are marri... paulista
19 y
1,858
- Re: Fiance wants to go racing LOOK W... Paulista
19 y
2,116
This is a reply to # 668,263That is difficult for me. I hate the stuff. Maybe if I could race, but I don't.
TO WIVES
&
OTHER RACING WIDOWS
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a happy couple named Dale and Caren. They had been happily married for several years and lead a fairly normal life. Dale was a truck driver and was gone most of the week but was usually home on weekends. Caren worked an 8 to 5 job and stayed home to take care of the kids. Horses took up most of Caren's spare time. They were her love and she spent hours riding, grooming, and hauling kids to horse shows. Most of the horse shows were on Saturday or Sundays so she wasn't home much on week-ends. Dale's love was a race car. He spent most of his spare hours off the road working on it and preparing to race every Saturday night. The first year went by fast. Everyone was very busy, involved in their own little world. Their own little worlds that was not shared by each other. Soon this happy couple began to drift apart. Each of their lives had taken a different turn. Since the only time they had for each other was week-ends and their week-ends were spent apart following different interests, their marriage was in trouble. The second racing season had rolled around. All the pit crew from the previous year had bought their own race cars. No one left to help. The car was not handling. Nothing worked. Dale grew very frustrated with racing and his marriage. It was time in Caren's life for a real big reality check. She had to decide between her horses, which had been her love since she was a little girl, or her husband, her lover, her best friend. As most fairy tales go, the princess picked her handsome prince. The horses were packed up and put out to pasture. The race car manuals came out and the studying began. Dale was driving down the road most of the week and didn't have time to figure out why the car was not handling. So the job was up to Caren. BUT she didn't know the difference between a crankshaft and a U-joint. She read everything concerning dirt track stock car racing she could find. At first, she didn't know what she was reading, but soon she found she was elbow deep in grease instead of knee deep in horse shit. And the rest is history. Soon she became as at home at the race track as he was in the horse pen. Racing became HER passion also. And they lived happily ever after racing TOGETHER, working TOGETHER, and loving TOGETHER.
The moral of this story is (as most fairy tales go)......................WIVES - don't let racing (or anything else your husband is interested in) come between you and him. As the old saying goes "If you can't beat them, join them". Let his passion become your passion. I learned, so can you. And if you're not willing to share his passion, then don't blame me or get jealous or mad when he comes over to our shop or house several times a week because I can talk his language and listen to what he has to say. I am no threat to you or anyone else except at a race track. The only affair I am having is with a gray Buick Regal or a gray Modified that has a pink #47 painted on it's side.
- Re: Fiance wants to go racing #14575
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