BadSalley--I read your post last week and couldn't get it out of mind. I'm so sorry for your loss of your brother. As you know, from my original post, I certainly can relate to having a narcissistic mother and a father who threw us kids to the wolves. When my mother died, I didn't cry. If I grieved at all, it was for never having had a better relationship with her. It was not for lack of trying on my part, either. I've since learned, looking back, that it would never have been possible. I understand your anger towards both your parents. To this day, I haven't forgiven. I'm told that it's the healthy thing to do--forgive--but it takes a lot of work. One of my brothers said he has forgiven her but I don't buy it--he still has a lot of anger in him. One thing I do know, I don't believe in "forgive and forget"--there is no forgetting. I've been reading up on various points of view regarding forgiveness. Some people say don't forgive, others say you won't find peace until you do. In the meantime, I've found that the best course for me has been to make sure that I am a better person than my mother was. I didn't verbally or physically abuse my daughter, I encouraged and supported her in her endeavors, and I always knew (something my mother never did know) that the world doesn't revolve around me.
So...just strive to be the best person that you can be. I doubt that you can ever get any closure from your mother. I tried that with mine---she would just scream at me and tell me that I was crazy and none of those things ever happened. Of course my father would take her side even though he knew better. Later on, he would always take me aside and tell me never to bring up this subject again! As for getting closure from your father, that, too, depends on his personality. My father, when the subject came up, always would say either 1) things weren't that bad and your mother treated all you kids well or 2) "what was I supposed to do? I was just trying to keep peace in the house?" What was he supposed to do... oh, well...how about growing a spine and standing up to her!
No, you can't change the past but you can look to a better future. Again, I'm so sorry about your brother. I wish you all the best in the present and future.